I think that it has a toxic feel to it too. But there are postives or I wouldnt stay. It is hard to explain but that is why I am hard on myself. " HOW COULD I LOVE A MAN LIKE THIS ? I have to forgive myself first for loving someone so toxic. when he is sober .. he can be so beautiful. That is who I love ... Cinco put it well. When he is "drunk" and not always mind you. He is someone I dont know. He has to heal and I am now even more acutely aware that he needs to heal himself . I have absolutely nothing to do with it.
When I read a NEW Earth it helped me tremendously. I felt so empowered. I spoke of it a lot on here as a matter of fact. I even wanted hubby to listen to the podcasts. but he didnt want to. SB~ dunno if this was his "rock bottom" but it was for me. That is where the numb feeling came in.
I have made the decision { the ladies last nite helped me realize this}
I will give him 1 year.
When he involved my daughter { I wouldnt take the bait, so he needed someone to listen to his nonsense < the ladies told me that is what alchoholics do} that was .. yes too out of control for me.
I am ready to change and ready to live for myself for sure. This morning I am also going to Weight Watchers. I feellike I am really ready to move forward wether he i scomfortable with it or not.
Yes I think ym hubby bases our R on sex.. I however do not "try " to. I thought that cause he asked me ove rand over again to do x, y or z. That if he had these things he would be happy.
The funny thing is now that I have my high drive back he cant keep up.
I hav eread also PM~ And for me to Ml to him or F8ck himor whatever we do. For me I am saying I love you.
But yes he focuse on it too much and he doesnt seem to want to see what is right before his eyes.
The meeting last note really opened my eyes. It is a disease for sure and he doesnt like it any nore than me. I never would have though that. He makes it look like he enjoys it so much.
I also have to say nothing about his drinking, This is HIS~ problem to fix not mine. It has absolutely nothing to do with me.
And yes I am resposible for my own happiness. I am aware of this and the sad part is I wanted to share it with him. I want a healthy , happy Marriage.
My H said I was a hyporcrite and I only do things hoping for someting in return. I know this is not true. And sadly he does live like this . It is what he has learned as a child. You are only worth what you can buy or give to another.
I love him w/o expecting anything in return. My Ego is getting better and I am excited to work now even more just on me, and stop trying to be perfect and cater to his madness.
THanks all of you. You are helping me to grow even more and FIB~ I always love your posts .. you make me think. I love the support I get from you. and from evryone here for that matter. But you? You ask questions that I never would ask myself. No I take it back I do ask them but then I think I am overreacting and I stop asking them.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I could never ask questions. I didnt matter.
You know what ?
I MATTER
I have been working on me but more so worried about his everything.... and he needs to step up now and show himself worthy of being in my life.
We will see were this mew fork in the road takes me. I love him but it doesnt measn I have to live with him or take this type of life forever b/c of that love. I have seen who he is and who he can be when he is healthy. But if he cant come back and join me I will ahve a choice to make. I hope he wakes up before it is too late.
I am not goign to wait to live anymore or for his permission to live.
I used to go to the YMCA w/ the kids. Go for bike rides. Take yoga. Get up and feel like this life was so worth living and I was truly blessed. I am going to be that Woman again. I dont have to look for her I am already here. I just use too much energy trying to make sure he is happy.
