Please SHOW HER how a woman respects herself and what she does when faced with a man who is addicted/scoundrel/whatever....be her hero, not just her mom
I do honey... and yes I am very protective of my girls. Did you see their pic? They are my life..... Anyway. Love ya honey and I dont get easily offended. No I never want them to go thru what I have. I have been talking to them about this for years already. Sex , their period, life lessons. You name it. I think they have a better head on their shoulders than me. My 19 yr old is very enlightened. He even says to me ... MOM why cant more people be like you. My kids know they are priceless all 5 of them and I was never raised to value myself...
That part (that they value themselves) is great honey...but it won't stop your daughters from ending up following the example you set about the man you married. I'm glad they have the self-esteem, but it takes more than that to stay away from possible mistakes by being with the wrong man. I am not saying your husband is the wrong man, I am just saying that he is currently and has been for many years, treating you in such a way that is causing you pain and strife....and your daughters particularly are learning that this is what marriage and love looks like.
I did the same damage to my own kids, too...my step-daughter is now well on her way to a sexless marriage, having gotten pregnant and then agreeing to marry him. She is basically following in my exact footsteps. They love each other, but they love the baby more and before they know it....oops...three months have gone by with no sex.
She and I have not directly discussed the problems I had with her father on the sexual front, so she doesn't even know she is following this pattern. All she knows is that I put the kids above everything else in my life, and she is now doing the same because "this is what good parents do". I cringe when I realize that she learned this from me, and yet, it took me 17 years, a divorce, and several years of depression and therapy to realize that was NOT the best way to parent! And yet, she holds me on a pedastal for all the great parenting I've shown her.
LOL!
Soooooo....this is just to warn you that no matter how well you've done, how much self-esteem you've imparted to them...they WILL and do follow in your footsteps and MAKE YOUR MISTAKES over in their own lives.
You can stop this now, and show them a different example, beginning now....I unfortunately have run out of time and cannot show them anything anymore....all I can do now is try to steer them a bit better when they hit the pitfalls that I did while they are making my same mistakes....
You can stop this now, and show them a different example, beginning now....I unfortunately have run out of time and cannot show them anything anymore....all I can do now is try to steer them a bit better when they hit the pitfalls that I did while they are making my same mistakes....
Thanks ... I will start today I promise. I have been working on this for awhile now and I do stumble. Thank you for your honesty. ~Ali
I'm glad you are going to the meeting tonight. That is a huge first step. Just like on this board, hearing other people's stories helps you to feel like you are not alone in this. Also it is not your fault. We all know you have the strength now to get through this.
That is a wonderful picture of you with your kids. I can see the beautiful spirit and your kindness that we have all come to know here. It makes me smile to see you enjoying your children like that.
You are a very strong, loving (and forgiving) woman. You have proved that to yourself and to your husband. Of course you will always be (as we all are) a work in progress and don't ever forget that. Its actually what makes life worth living.
But... IMO you now have to step back and take a very serious look at the situation that the new, impoved Alimari is in.
Specifically, you need to look in a very objective way at the man you are with - not who you would like (and I've no doubt you deserve) him to be - but who he actually is right now.
Judging by what you've said here recently, he's a drunken and selfish jerk. He needs to get some serious help. He needs to work on himself (probably a lot). HE does.
You need to make that crystal clear to him.
And next time he speaks to you like that... DO NOT then have sex with him. That's not loving or forgiving - its enabling and rewarding him for unacceptable behaviour. But I think you already know that.
Do you have supportive family members or friends living nearby yourself?
I'm really praying for you.
Remember. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. AND YOU WILL BE FINE.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
Alimari.....there are many things in life that we can love...but can either hurt us or be unhealthy for us. We can adopt a puppy that we fall in love with, only to have it become angry and aggressive with us as it matures. Because we must return it for adoption, doesn't mean we don't love the dog any less.
Although I have NOT made it to piecing, those here that have are not having an easy time of it...not that it isn't a goal to try and achieve. Even Michele says that not all marriages were meant to be saved (no..I haven't said 'give up').
In The New Earth, he talks about how people enter relationships with false facades. "I'll act this way to get you and you'll act this way to make me happy." The amount of energy to maintain this is exhausting and finally, after living together, the facades wear off and, usually, one person gets angry at the other one because that person hasn't had their needs met.
But...WE are responsible for our own happiness.
Alcoholism is a disease and, like some have mentioned above, won't go away unless the affected person recognizes that they HAVE a disease and wish to make a change. Most men..including myself...don't wake up and start drinking (well, coffee and orange juice for me). This is something you must take a serious look at.
In the few weeks I've been following, I think that there is an 'abnormal' dynamic here....a relationship based on sex and complicated by alcohol. Is this a codependent relationship/marriage? It sounds 'toxic'. I really haven't seen any positives here...with regards to H.
Have you? What are your lists of positives and negatives? Can you list them for us here? Are you a 'battered' wife? Just throwing things out at you.
FIB (PS..count me in as an 'a' man too).
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Ali, do you think there's any chance that this will be "rock bottom" for him? Meaning, this will be the low point that helps convince him that he's got to get help for his drinking and his emotional problems? He sounds like he's right on the edge.
If this isn't it, maybe it's time to think about what it will take and whether he really should leave at least for awhile. It sounds like things could be getting dangerous. To involve your daughter like that implies a loss of control to me. You're there and I'm not, so you'll have to judge.
I think that it has a toxic feel to it too. But there are postives or I wouldnt stay. It is hard to explain but that is why I am hard on myself. " HOW COULD I LOVE A MAN LIKE THIS ? I have to forgive myself first for loving someone so toxic. when he is sober .. he can be so beautiful. That is who I love ... Cinco put it well. When he is "drunk" and not always mind you. He is someone I dont know. He has to heal and I am now even more acutely aware that he needs to heal himself . I have absolutely nothing to do with it.
When I read a NEW Earth it helped me tremendously. I felt so empowered. I spoke of it a lot on here as a matter of fact. I even wanted hubby to listen to the podcasts. but he didnt want to. SB~ dunno if this was his "rock bottom" but it was for me. That is where the numb feeling came in.
I have made the decision { the ladies last nite helped me realize this}
I will give him 1 year.
When he involved my daughter { I wouldnt take the bait, so he needed someone to listen to his nonsense < the ladies told me that is what alchoholics do} that was .. yes too out of control for me.
I am ready to change and ready to live for myself for sure. This morning I am also going to Weight Watchers. I feellike I am really ready to move forward wether he i scomfortable with it or not.
Yes I think ym hubby bases our R on sex.. I however do not "try " to. I thought that cause he asked me ove rand over again to do x, y or z. That if he had these things he would be happy.
The funny thing is now that I have my high drive back he cant keep up.
I hav eread also PM~ And for me to Ml to him or F8ck himor whatever we do. For me I am saying I love you.
But yes he focuse on it too much and he doesnt seem to want to see what is right before his eyes.
The meeting last note really opened my eyes. It is a disease for sure and he doesnt like it any nore than me. I never would have though that. He makes it look like he enjoys it so much.
I also have to say nothing about his drinking, This is HIS~ problem to fix not mine. It has absolutely nothing to do with me.
And yes I am resposible for my own happiness. I am aware of this and the sad part is I wanted to share it with him. I want a healthy , happy Marriage.
My H said I was a hyporcrite and I only do things hoping for someting in return. I know this is not true. And sadly he does live like this . It is what he has learned as a child. You are only worth what you can buy or give to another.
I love him w/o expecting anything in return. My Ego is getting better and I am excited to work now even more just on me, and stop trying to be perfect and cater to his madness.
THanks all of you. You are helping me to grow even more and FIB~ I always love your posts .. you make me think. I love the support I get from you. and from evryone here for that matter. But you? You ask questions that I never would ask myself. No I take it back I do ask them but then I think I am overreacting and I stop asking them.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I could never ask questions. I didnt matter.
You know what ?
I MATTER
I have been working on me but more so worried about his everything.... and he needs to step up now and show himself worthy of being in my life.
We will see were this mew fork in the road takes me. I love him but it doesnt measn I have to live with him or take this type of life forever b/c of that love. I have seen who he is and who he can be when he is healthy. But if he cant come back and join me I will ahve a choice to make. I hope he wakes up before it is too late.
I am not goign to wait to live anymore or for his permission to live.
I used to go to the YMCA w/ the kids. Go for bike rides. Take yoga. Get up and feel like this life was so worth living and I was truly blessed. I am going to be that Woman again. I dont have to look for her I am already here. I just use too much energy trying to make sure he is happy.
Ali, do you think there's any chance that this will be "rock bottom" for him? Meaning, this will be the low point that helps convince him that he's got to get help for his drinking and his emotional problems? He sounds like he's right on the edge.
I pray it is.... cause I will not live the rest of my life like this.
I want to be happy and I want for him to be happy. Very simple.
So much of what you have said about him before makes sense now. What has been swirling around in his head is booze. If he would only stop numbing his spirit by drowning his sorrow with a drink he may find the happiness in his life.
Maybe the break with his FOO is causing him to feel so much pain, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Then he'll drink to try to stop his pain as this is the only way he knows how to stop the pain. I'm not making excuses for him and I still don't understand how he cannot find this comfort with you.
All we can do is to pray for him to heal. Pray for him to see what a blessing he has in his wife and children. The happiness for him is waiting right there in front of him if he will only open his eyes to see it.
