The Alien visited last night, and was still with us this morning! ???
H came home from work and I could tell that he was hot and tired. He made a couple of short comments and I could tell he was trying to keep his temper in check.
Then he started to tell me the strangest story. He had stains all over the front of his white t-shirt. I assumed that it was either dirt or grease. He informed me it was grape popsicle.
He said that there was a little high school girl at the house they were doing excavating work at, and that all day long she hung close by and watched him work.
He went to great detail telling me that during the day she had changed her clothes 4 times...putting on this little tight shirt or short shorts. That during the afternoon while it was hot she had come out and sat indian style with her legs folded in front of him and sucked on a popsicle.
He said that she had offered him one. He declined and she had said "oh come on, you know you want one."
She gave him one and he dripped it down the front of his shirt. That's about par for the course. My H. is a pretty big guy. He could stand to loose about 80 lbs, and he can't eat anything without seeming to get it on the front of his shirt (belly).
We kind of laughed as he described this girl that was obviously testing her "skills" on him. We have 3 teenaged neices that have all done the same thing thru the years. I remember being a girl myself and flirting with some of my dad's younger friends.
What bothered me about this incident, was at the end of his story my H said very seriously, she is going to be a beautiful woman someday.
Something about the way that he said it made me feel very ugly. Invisible to him almost. I didn’t say anything, I think I just smiled, and we went on with dinner.
After dinner he helped clean up just a little, then went into the living room and lay down on the couch. I came in when I was finished, and we began to watch a movie. He was almost instantly asleep, and I woke him to go up to bed when the movie was finished. We came to bed, and I still thought I was with my H. and not the Alien. He was tossing and turning, so I reached a hand out to rub his back. You would have thought I had touched him with a hot iron. He yelled out and jerked away. He acted like he had been asleep, but I could have sworn that he was awake. I apologized for “waking” him and told him that I had just been trying to rub his back.
He got out of bed a while later and left the bedroom. He closed the door pretty loudly. I waited for a while. I couldn’t tell if he was still upstairs or if he had gone down to the couch. I didn’t understand what was going on.
I finally got out of bed and fixed the sheets. The bottom sheet had worked its way off the mattress with all of his tossing and turning. I guess after I did that I must have spread up the blankets on his side of the bed.
It turned out that he had been in the bathroom. When he came back to bed he lay down on top of the blankets on his side, that I had pulled up. He came unglued. Yelling and swearing and tossing about. I couldn’t even begin to explain what I had done, and I didn’t bother, he didn’t give me a chance.
He kept saying that he didn’t want to be “with me” and why couldn’t I get that? Then he pulled all of the covers off the bed and threw them over me onto the floor. I was laying there in my nightgown, with the comforter over my head since it hadn’t cleared me to make the floor.
He calmly turned on the baseball game and began to watch. I waited a few minutes, then got up and went downstairs to sleep in the den. He did not see me cry.
He did come in this morning to tell me it was time to get up. Then he got his coffee and went out to the hot tub. I took my coffee and went upstairs to take a bath. He came up to shave, and loudly closed my door so that I could not see him.
I heard him banging around and saying the f word loudly several times as he got dressed. He then left the house with ought a word to me.
I know this is a long process, several advancements and some back sliding. I guess I am just trying to get things clear in my head. I supposed the vision of the beautiful young girl yesterday probably awakened the dozing Alien. The Alien that then comes home to the aging and recently critically ill wife that doesn’t have such long smooth legs anymore. Whose skin and breasts now have surgical scars.
Damn his behavior hurts. It also makes me wonder if I really have a right to try and hold him in our marriage if he is this unhappy?
I believe in “for better or for worse.” I believe that if we do D that he will be sorry, eventually. He is not a young man. The young girl that was testing her skills on him yesterday would not want the balding, aging, big bellied man that she was flirting with. But I do. I love him.
The question is, will he ever love me again?
He used to think that I was hot. His friends and coworkers still do. I feel pretty good about myself…until I look at me thru his eyes.
I know that I will not change what I am doing. I know that we have made progress. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let him go. Then I remember that he can leave if he wants. I am not holding him with lock and key. Only with the house. I will not be the one to leave our home.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
