Piecing Friends, It seems like if things are going to move forward, it's going to be because of my influence. The dance partnership creates and maintains connection, but not intimacy.
As poet Jane Hirshfield writes, "Rarely are what is spoken and what is meant the same." My W isn't one to communicate at an intimate level. I keep waiting for her to take the lead, but it's not going to happen.
I try not to take her minor tantrums to heart. She is trying to communicate something, but is doing it poorly. She doesn't regulate her moods well.
We've been more social as a couple lately. I wonder what people think of her? It's not for me to worry about.
At one of our dances, she was complaining to someone about my difficulty in getting the lesson at a prior venue. He obviously didn't care for her behavior.
After a practice session in which she seemed irritated with me, I told her that if she had expectations of our time, she needed to tell me, rather than be upset because I'm not practicing what she thinks I should. This statment got us back on track, and prevented what would have been a setback in the dance partnership.
She asked me to cuddle her last night in bed.
I've been thinking about a line from a poem by Jane Hirshfield:
Love would like to say to them, "Speak more fearlessly--this is the only--Say what you can."
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, What further sign would you expect to see from W to move things on a bit further.
It could be that you need the sleeping away to stop on the other hand W may need a higher level of intermacy from you before that happens.
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The sleeping elsewhere is an intimacy reducer. I don't think there's any way around that.
However, if we add intimacy enhancers in other aspects of the M, maybe we can compensate for the intermittent sleeping elsewhere behavior.
Otherwise, as you say, we have this vicious cycle of her waiting for intimacy, and me waiting for the sleeping elsewhere to stop.
Maybe that's the way to think of my situation. The goal would be to add intimacy enhancers, rather than thinking of taking the seemingly large step of having sex. I will give this further thought and hopefully take some small steps.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Lanzo, I think I'm already seeing some signs that she's wanting more connection--dance partnership, asks me to sleep with her, asks me to cuddle her, holds my arm as we walk, go as couple to social events.
I still think it's too early for sex.
I guess it's my turn to start showing some signs.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Lanzo, I wouldn't say I'm committed yet to move towards intimacy. I'm closer to a Preparation stage. It's not something I've experienced in a R with anyone for any extended period of time.
I do know I don't want a D. I don't see replacing my W as an option. I would be trading for another set of problems. I would deny myself the potential for growth. I would lose a dance partnership and a friend.
It seems like the only option is to move forward, and to take steps towards intimacy, and hope the M is in a better place to work towards this goal, so there is mutual satisfaction.
I guess it's time to experiment and monitor results.
It's odd that I need to be the leader in an area where my W is better skilled (or is she?). I'm guessing she has her own intimacy issues. This is an area we will have to grow together in.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL--I understand your need to be careful and cautious--it's a big part of your nature. As a W who has experienced being shut out intimately, I would encourage you to be careful that you are not using the need for caution as an excuse to remain distant from your W. There's a great deal of pain in perceived and real rejection, that can easily fuel other areas of conflict. When approached right, physical intimacy can lead to emotional intimacy...at least it's worked for me.
"Act as if" is a big catch phrase around here, but it is a powerful concept. It's like contemplating jumping in a lake: we don't start to enjoy the water until we've jumped in and given our bodies a chance to adjust to the temperature. What seems scary and chilly at first can become comfortable and enjoyable.
