My C was pro marriage and agreed with most everything in Michelle's books. She did tell me that I needed to establish a time line for when to call it quits. She felt it was unfair to me if I waited around too long for my W to come around. She had seen others that had waited so long only to fail and be worn down emotionally by it all.
Now there are those that will say to stick with it for the sake of the children. That was a nobel and compelling reason for me to stick with it. However, once a wayward spouse starts to exhibit behavior that is a bad example to the children, I believe that is a time for me to put an end to it. Do you want your daughters to get the impression that promiscuous behavior is ok?
I think all hope in your marriage is gone. This is sad, but I really think you need to seperate yourself from your wife now. You love what you once had and it is so hard to let it all go. Try to get over the grieving. All I can say is that it does get better. But you have work on loving and respecting yourself.
If you do shop around for a lawyer, walk away from the bloodthirsty ones. For me, I was sold when I first met my lawyer because he spent the first half hour of our meeting discussing what was best for the children. He also understood that I still wanted to save my marriage if my W were to suddenly have a change of heart. And he was experienced and realistic. He told me up front that if something was going to court and it would cost me more in legal fees than what I would get in judgement, he would advise me as such.
Approach the filing for a divorce as not manning up or being a tough guy. It is just something you need to do so as to get sanity, dignity and happiness back into your and your kids life. As you go through it, try and stay with the high road and maintain friendliness with your W. It is what is best for the kids. Work out a parenting plan right away. If you can both agree without lawyers this is ideal. However, emotions can get in the way and that is when a lawyer or mediator needs to get involved. Treat the financials as a business transaction.
But most importantly, you need to be the rock of a dad for your daughters. I read something recently that says that daughters grow up and seek a man to marry that has similar qualities as their father. You also might want to look if you have any of the "Kids Turn" classes in your area.
Frank, you are a good man and have given excellent advice to others. I have confidence that you are going to get through this ordeal and find a happier life after it is all over. And hopefully your W too will come through it ok. There is life after divorce, but you have to make it such.
W went to drop off D12 at her friends house for an overnight. That was almost 2 hours ago.
D17 (18 in January) just came home and noticed I was mopey. She asked me what was wrong and told me she had overheard some of our talk this morning.
She told me that she had told he mom that she shouldn't date while she's married still. She's angry with her for doing it now but what is really bothering her is that I'm not holding her accountable for it.
She wondered why I didn't tell her to get out, how could I tolerate seeing her every day under these circumstances.
She said that I enable her, that 'mom always gets what she wants'. She gets to drive the Prius, she gets to come and go as she pleases.
I told her that is sure doesn't seem like mom really wants a divorce and D17 said "Yeah, she gets to go out and test the waters and you enable her to come home and play 'mom' when she wants to"
D17 said mom keeps pushing me and I let her get away with it. She said that I should file for divorce rather than continue to give up my dignity to her. She says that she thinks her moms actions are very disrespectful since D17 sees that I'm the one keeping the house running, and W acts like she is entitled to be here.
She said "Dad, you have a lot to be happy about, you have two great daughters who love you to death, you're a great man who has done awesome things. You need to get out among people and make friends, you're great at that but you've been staying stuck in this cycle where she controls everything.
And she won't file for divorce, she'll push you until you do it for her. She always makes you do the hard things so she won't have to. So do it dad, take your power back from her.
She said I love my mom, and breakups suck, but you deserve better treatment than what she's giving you and you keep enabling her.
She's right. I do have two great kids. I have given my power away for way too long.
I remember when I was 17 and my mother had an affair with my fathers best friend - I was no way capable or mature emotionaly of having such a conversation with my father. And he was such a hurting man when the bomb happened. He started drinking too much after the divorce and it came to a threshold where he got in a fight with his brother and I jumped in and hit my father in the jaw. After that ugly event he stopped drinking and moved on with his life. My brother and I stuck with him until we each graduated from high school.
You daughters know right from wrong. Show them that you cant have a wayward woman destory you. Dont turn them against their mother though. Maintain friendship with your wife despite what she has done. My father helped his MIL to accept her daughter for her faults. Take the high road Frank.
One other thing D17 said was that it is better to make her leave now rather than wait until she gets into a full blown relationship and moves out to go live with some guy.
She also said "Dad, you don't NEED her".
I talked with a friend tonight. The advice, which I need to pray on, is to tell her tomorrow that I told her my boundary and since she has committed adultery she has to leave. Now. And that she needs to start the divorce process.
Command respect. It's been way too long. Let her know that I love her but I won't let her destroy me.
I think you might want to just deal with one thing at a time. Try to get her to move out first. Save the D talk for some other day. You might not want to use the word adultery or affair or infidelity - "dating" is probably a better word to use.
It took me 3 different times before my W knew I was serious about her leaving. I had no intention of filing a D at that time. It was later when she exposed the children to her affair that did it for me - and it was the kids that broke the news to me that mommy was sharing germs with her new boyfriend.
You might ask your W what she would expect of you if the roles were reversed. She may be to far gone in fantasy land to have much empathy.
I think all hope in your marriage is gone. This is sad, but I really think you need to seperate yourself from your wife now. You love what you once had and it is so hard to let it all go. Try to get over the grieving. All I can say is that it does get better. But you have work on loving and respecting yourself.
Kerry--
This is NOT what we do here. If someone decides that they are done, it is fine to support them, we DO NOT give them that recommendation.
And I completely disagree.
Frank--
No one can predict the future here. No one. But taking the high road and making good changes leads to more good changes. You've done a lot of good things, and only you and your wife see the whole story. Your daughter sees more than we do, but even she does not see the whole story.
YOU CHOOSE what's right for you. It may or may not be right (meaning it will WORK) for you to set the consequence of making your wife leave right now. Do you have any other ideas for a consequence for her as you work on improving the drinking situation and reducing your anxiety?
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Many know that frank helped save my life. Many know that I met him last week in CA and we had dinner together. I admire Frank. He's a good man.
Dear Frank,
The first line that you wrote me when others asked you to come into my thread almost 2 years ago was:
Originally Posted By: frank_d
Were you always this boring?
It hurt frank...but...I didn't understand what you meant, then, nor did I realize that, in a way, you weren't really implying that I was boring. You were trying to open my eyes.
It's my turn frank..and I apologize. Were you always this wimpy?
Frank..you saved my life. It's my turn: -how long are you going to suffer like this? -how long are you going to let her continually break you? -how long are you going to expect that she is going to come back to you with the status quo? -you say you can stop drinking..but..you keep doing it. Once every 6-8 months is NOT abstinence. -read the PDF again...is she looking at you as pathetic? you are know you are in that 'limbo'...remember her advice to break it?
Frank...why are you letting her destroy your spirit?
Why?
I give my W credit for saying ONE correct thing to me frank. When she finally retained an atty, I told her that this may NOT be the best time financially to do this. She responded:
Originally Posted By: FIB's W
There may NEVER be a good financial time to do this.
Frank...I've heard all your reasons...and IN PERSON...why this is NOT a good time to do anything. There may never be a good time, but, I am watching the slow destruction of my friend....occuring in front of my very eyes.
She is destroying you frank. I agree with the statements above from all your supporters. You know...we all want to save marriages here. You know that better than I. Personally, I feel great happiness for anyone whose sitch takes a positive turn...EVEN if it makes me feel like a failure for losing mine. But watching my good friend take a repetitive beating...is becoming painful.
I think it's time for you to make some difficult decisions frank. I think it's time for you to protect yourself...mostly emotionally. I think it's time for you to put fear aside and save yourself...or there won't be much left for the birds to pick on.
Originally Posted By: The Boxer
In the clearing stands a boxer, And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of ev'ry glove that laid him down And cut him till he cried out In his anger and his shame, "I am leaving, I am leaving." But the fighter still remains
Frank..it's natural for a good person to believe in hope..but...as Jeff223 said...the 'bullets are killing you.' It's time to find your 'invincible summer' frank. Stop the hemorrhage. Stop the pain. Live again.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
To KerryK....I looked at that link you posted. Thank you. It should be read by all. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
