God give me the patience and the strength...6

[theotherhalf]

an2m, i know we are stuck in this cycle. but I really don't know how to break it and move forward. i am and will continue the NC. I will let him initiate any/all except business and kids. BUT what if he asks me to do something? Do I go?...

last night...
i went and got my hair cut after work. i walk out of the salon and who's car is parked right out front and 2 cars from mine. OW's. I looked around and left. It fumed me! I got home from work and H was here moving machinery. I went directly to the house. I was messing around and H came in. We talked a bit then I couldn't help myself (i know, i know). I said,
"why is it that 15 years went by me working in that town and I NEVER seen her, and now in the last year I see her all the time? Why am I getting restricted calls here at home and on my cell? What does she want from me? Hasn't she taken enough? Isn't it enough that she has taken you from me? You need to tell her to leave me the h*ll alone!"
he said "I don't know, I am not there. it is a small town."(i said yea I know, so why did I never see her before)he just shook his head and said if he talked to her he would tell her. he said she doesn't have him. he said he is not seeing her. i said no but your talking to her. he said i talk to her once in awhile. i said it doesn't matter, i just want her to leave me alone.

we dropped it. he went back outside. he came back and asked me to come help him with the mower. i did. i went back into the house. he came in and sat in the kitchen and drank a couple of beers. stayed for about an hour. he went to leave and said he'd take "cheeseballs" (new pup) with him. he stopped at the door before leaving and asked if me and N14 were going to come in to BIL's. I looked at him like "what for" and shrugged. He said " i don't know, something to do. If ya do ya do, if not you don't, see ya later." and he left.

N14 and I ate supper. I thought hard on this. I didn't know what to do. For one I wanted to go to get CB so H didn't have him over night. (don't even trust him w/the dog when he's drunk). I really had nothing else to do. I hadn't seen everyone for quite awhile. N14 was begging to go so she could see the kids. But I didn't want to be so available. I want to leave him alone to work thru this.

We went later. I left H totally alone while there. I visited with everyone else. H made contact with me a couple of times but I didn't let him suck me in. At the end of the night,(normally I would follow him home and stay) I took CB and told him good night. And I went home. He called me. He asked if I had CB I said ya(he knew I did), I made a joke, he laughed and said okay just wanted to make sure. And we hung up. After I hung up the phone. I said out loud. "Your so confused little man".

He is supposed to come here today to help do sweet corn. HIS idea. He said he'd help so he could have some. Tonight is a Surprise B-day party for his N and Mom. I am nervous about it. But going with NO intentions with him what so ever. I will do this and stay detached. I hope.

[WCW]

he said that this is something that he had to do and he was afraid to get the D in case it really wasn't what he wanted. he didn't want to make that mistake. but he ended that conv. with "though we are still going to probably get divorced".

toh, that doesn't sound as hopeless as you drag it down to be. Your H is very confused, he shows it all the time by his words and actions.

Just Be Still.

When your H comes around don't focus on what he is doing that you DON'T like, find the positives.

My example - my H for a couple of years was gone until well after 10pm almost every night. It was hard to be alone wondering what he was doing. Now he is coming home earlier, sometimes even by 6pm or 7pm. He waits until after dark to go to the indoor arena and ride and turns all the lights on. I got notice that my electric bill is going up another $100 per month. So, do I want to be happy that H is home more or do I want to get all pissy at him for running up the electric bill?
(I am looking at alternative energy sources!)

I hope you are enjoying the weekend. What are you doing for enjoyment?

[theotherhalf]

I had to post here this song, I don't know if I've ever heard one so fitting. It's like I wrote the words...

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

WCW, that was one of maybe 3 positive statements. Most all from him are "No never!" "I am done" "it's over".

And I don't think I dwell on the negetives from him. I think I dwell TOO much on the positives and make them out to be WAY more than they really are. That's how I hurt myself. So now not trying to dwell on anything from him. Trying anyway.

[WCW]

Ok, sure thing.
(shaking my head)

[Treese]

TOH....

Just wanted you to know that the song is a ringtone in my phone....I don't have it for everyone but i downloaded it...It so says everything I feel .....if you look at my last thread you will see the title was words from that song.....I do love it....

[theotherhalf]

Sat H came out and the girls, H and I went a picked sweet corn. H helped me get it froze and bagged. He was here till about 4:30. He left to go home and get ready for Mom's/Nieces b-day party. N14 and I got ready to go.

We all went to b-day party. It was okay. But totally obvious H was uncomfortable, as was I. H left around 9. About 1/2 hour or 45min. later I went out to have a smoke. H had called my phone. I called him back. He said he thought I looked bored. Said we could go out to the farm and have a fire if I wanted. If not, no big deal. I told him, yea sounded like a plan. So that's what we did. It was a good time. Nice, realaxing, peaceful. Kind of thought maybe he'd talk but didn't, but that's okay. I did ask him to stay so that he didn't have to drive back to town. (was pretty drunk). I told him that I will go to bed and leave him alone, just like if he was at his place. He did the teen thing and acted as if he was going to leave, but in the end he stayed.
I made him a couple of sandwiches then went to bed. Well he ended up crawling in the bed with me. I DID not do anything I let him lead the way. He curled up next to me. Cuddled with me. He was wanting more, but didn't push and I didn't either. So we didn't. and that was okay too.

This morning all was good. He spent the whole day here. Ate supper with us. Stayed till almost 10 tonight. We had a great day.

Okay...I'm wondering WTH? I wondering what's he thinking? I'm wondering what's going on? BUT! I'm changing nothing! I'm not asking. I'm not calling him. I'm not going to see him. I'm being as very still as I possibly can.

I have no idea why he was around so much this weekend, why he stayed here. But I know that this man is very confused and that he is thinking. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do except to leave him and alone and let him figure it out. I pray that he does. I guess we'll see.

Off to work tomorrow YUK! Have a great week all!

[Dawn of Hope]

Okay...I'm wondering WTH? I wondering what's he thinking? I'm wondering what's going on? BUT! I'm changing nothing! I'm not asking. I'm not calling him. I'm not going to see him. I'm being as very still as I possibly can.
I have no idea why he was around so much this weekend, why he stayed here. But I know that this man is very confused and that he is thinking. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do except to leave him and alone and let him figure it out. I pray that he does. I guess we'll see.

toh,
I really am not trying to be harsh, here, but here's what I'm seeing...

Ummm...hasn't everyone been telling you for a while to LEAVE HIM ALONE to figure things out for himself, and you have kept saying, "I know, I know," and then then turning right around and contacting him, initiating R talks, etc., and basically ignoring this board's advice and then making excuses for why you're not doing what's recommended, and agonizing over the fact that he seems even more distant? It's fine to follow your own path if you have a good reason, but...you're finally following your fellow DBers' advice and now you're baffled by the fact that he's now treating you better! Helllooo, toh, has it occurred to you yet that the advice you have been given is WORKING now that you are actually taking it??!

I know it's difficult to leave him alone and not stir the pot. But it seems clear that if you want this R to be restored, you have GOT to stop muddying the waters by contacting him, questioning him, criticizing him, etc. What are you doing to GAL? It seems like you've spent so much time trying to force things in your M when they're not yet "cooked" that when you add in your everyday responsibilities, you haven't got any time left over for GAL.

Basic DBing: Do what works. Change what doesn't. Pretty straightforward (she says, while doing some spinning herself due to a lack of any movement in her own M!).

I hope you are not offended by my shooting from the hip. I also hope that other people on this forum will chime in and either verify my observations or correct them if I've misinterpreted or otherwise gone down a dead-end trail. I am often wrong, but willing to take constructive criticism.

I wish you only the best. Strength and courage, toh.

Peace,
Dawn

[theotherhalf]

No, No, No, DoH your right. I AM following advice now. I haven't because I was so afraid that it wouldn't work w/my H. I was afraid that if I left him alone that I would lose him for sure. I think now, that I have given OW and the beer can too much power over "us". I am still afraid, I won't lie. I really don't know if our foundation is strong enough to get through this. But after the last confrontation with H I had to let go for me. I can't take the rejection from him again. If he chooses to D. I will accept that.

2 Weeks ago he really had me convinced that this time he was going to file. And that it really may be over this time. That is why I am shaking my head after this weekend. And I don't know that I believe it's because of anything I did or didn't do. It's just him spinning.

I posted about NC last night because I want all that have been yelling at me that I am listening this time. And I am not going to fall into the same pattern anymore. I am leaving H to lead the way. And in the meantime I AM now doing things for me and the girls.

As far as GAL. There isn't much. As I am a homebody. I spent over year going out. Partying it up. Had a great time. But at the end of everynight. I came home alone. Nothing changed. Now I spend my days doing things with my girls. I work in my garden. I am doing things that have fell to the wayside in and outside of my home. Doing things on the farm that need done. I still go out on occasion but not everyweekend anymore just to show him "I'm moving on". I am keeping busy but now doing it the way TOH enjoys. I am hoping to get my paints back out soon and get back into that.

Really DoH thanks for posting to me. I really need all the help I can get. It's because of all of you dear people that I am able to understand what my H is going through. It's you that give me the strength to keep standing for my H and my M.

[theotherhalf]

Spent the day yesterday with my boss's wife. There wasn't much going on so boss sent me out to the farm to help her with sweet corn. She didn't need my help but it was fun visiting with her. She is a sweet heart and I love her to death. So it was a pretty good day.

H stopped after he got off work. Brought W2 papers for me to fill out. (wanted to tell him to do his own damb paperwork but I shut up and did it for him). He sat here and visited with me and the girls for a bit. Drank 2 beers then went home. He called back later to ask me how to cook sweet corn. Said okay thanks and that was it.

Keeping very very still...

[Dawn of Hope]

No, No, No, DoH your right. I AM following advice now. I haven't because I was so afraid that it wouldn't work w/my H. I was afraid that if I left him alone that I would lose him for sure. I think now, that I have given OW and the beer can too much power over "us". I am still afraid, I won't lie. I really don't know if our foundation is strong enough to get through this. But after the last confrontation with H I had to let go for me. I can't take the rejection from him again. If he chooses to D. I will accept that.

2 Weeks ago he really had me convinced that this time he was going to file. And that it really may be over this time. That is why I am shaking my head after this weekend. And I don't know that I believe it's because of anything I did or didn't do. It's just him spinning.

I posted about NC last night because I want all that have been yelling at me that I am listening this time. And I am not going to fall into the same pattern anymore. I am leaving H to lead the way. And in the meantime I AM now doing things for me and the girls.

As far as GAL. There isn't much. As I am a homebody. I spent over year going out. Partying it up. Had a great time. But at the end of everynight. I came home alone. Nothing changed. Now I spend my days doing things with my girls. I work in my garden. I am doing things that have fell to the wayside in and outside of my home. Doing things on the farm that need done. I still go out on occasion but not everyweekend anymore just to show him "I'm moving on". I am keeping busy but now doing it the way TOH enjoys. I am hoping to get my paints back out soon and get back into that.

Really DoH thanks for posting to me. I really need all the help I can get. It's because of all of you dear people that I am able to understand what my H is going through. It's you that give me the strength to keep standing for my H and my M.

toh,
Good, good! I'm glad you weren't offended, and I'm glad it helped. Keep working on being a better toh...for YOU. Keep being still where he is concerned. Have you spent any time thinking about possible situations that might be difficult for you with your H, and how you can deal with them in the interests of good DBing? Maybe decide what to do, and then rehearse mentally, so you don't lose control and do something that you know isn't a good idea? It seems that flying off the handle and then later regretting it is a problem for you, and I think it would really help if you spent some time working with this. I have not done this myself, but I keep myself under very tight control, and I'm very good at staying still where my H is concerned. (This is the easy part for me...however, right now I'm struggling with anger [and unforgiveness] so intense it's eating me up because I don't feel free to express it. That's one of my big issues.) Pre-visualization is at least worth a try....

I think we are all afraid, at least at first. I know I certainly was--terrified, in fact. And some of DBing is just so counter-intuitive, or contrary to how we feel, that we are skeptical that it will save our Ms. And maybe it won't, but I think if we do it, it will give us the best *chance* of saving the M, and it will also help us personally in a number of ways. I think that if we can scrape together the strength and humility to DB, we will end up with far fewer regrets, regardless of the outcome.

One of my goals in life is to have my ducks in a row to the point that I never feel any NEED to make any excuses.

Do what works. Change what doesn't. Focus on YOU.

Strength and courage, toh.

Peace,
Dawn