I didn't think I needed to journal - but I was wrong. This not the right time to stop.
I am not okay. Ironically I am okay in the sense that it is okay for me to not be okay for now. I need to be okay when I get back on September 6th. And I booked the vacation as quickly as I did b/c I need to be okay by early September.
I broke out in hives earlier this week and my stomach feels raw. I have no appetite - very unusual for me.
A neighbor saw me on Saturday and asked me what was wrong - she said I look like a walking zombie. A total stranger at a restaurant walked up to me asked me if I was feeling okay. I don't have dark circles under my eyes - I am just very very tired and I think it shows in my demeanor. That is when I came home and booked my trip immediately.
I am so mentally exhausted that I can't sleep. Very unusual for me - I usually fall asleep w/in minutes of my head hitting the pillow. I am not thinking but my brain is too tired to shut down.
And there have been changes with respect to humongo client - that I simply do not have the energy to be clear headed enough to deal with the changes right now. However, there is nothing can't wait till I get back. Essentially the IP group is dying and there is an exodus of in-house attorneys going on.
That is not a bad thing b/c they are going to other potential humongo clients that will send me work. I will need energy to establish new R's - but I have at least a month before I have to decide anything. I do not have to decide anything today.
A friend that is editor of a publication asked me to be a co-editor on a bar association publication. It is easy work with a lot of visibility and makes me look more important than I am. Nothing needs to be done before September.
I have enough contacts at other humongo clients that I can pursue - I just haven't b/c I simply did not have the capacity to take on more work.
I am financially sound and can survive 6 months to a year if worst case - I have nothing. That happened once post D when the Nutty Partner fired me w/in three weeks of my legal D and I survived. This is nothing like that.
I have spoken with the new adoption agency I found out about at the seminar. I interviewed the head of the agency last week. This is a good fit. She is in her 60's now. She adopted three children from India as a single mother - the first one when she was 45. We have discussed strategy. Once again - there is nothing that needs to be done before I get back from my vacation.
I have standing job offers from multiple law firms and two large corporations - so it isn't like it was post D where I use to post about my fears of ending up under a bridge.
I am completely caught up at work - all invoices, all admin work.
All that remains is grunt work. I am not doing my normal level of quality - but it is good enough.
There may be other unsettling news with respect to work - and really I need to just let it go and worry about it after my vacation. The last time I checked there is no relationship between how much one worries and results.
Life is good. I just need to rest a little so that I am able to appreciate it. There really is nothing that needs to be done today that can't wait till after my vacation. I want to get some of the grunt work out of the way - but if I really don't feel like doing it now - it can wait till I get back. I need the type of rest where I am away from everything and anything that requires me to make a decision - not matter how small that decision.
I guess life is good b/c I can afford to not be okay till September 6th. And I have already set events in motion to make sure I am okay by the time I need to be okay.
