Bill. I understand what you are saying. That is exactly the truth. Makes me wonder how the heck I am supposed to be my "natural self" when I know I'm being examined every minute. It makes me nervous and anxious whether I'm doing something right or wrong all the time.
I try to have faith and watch and listen. Then I try to decipher what he said and how I am about to act or speak. Not sure how natural it is to do that, yet I know that I am learning. At the same time I'm working on me I'm trying to balance what he needs and expects. Suffice it to say it can be confusing.
(((Kj))) do the right thing for YOU. Then if it turns out to be the wrong thing for him, you're still true to yourself. How about instead of worrying about what he needs & expects, you give what you are willing to give to a permanent relationship. If it's not enough for him, wouldn't you rather know now, than 2 years from now ? Keeping in mind what we talked about before,
( oops, sorry for the hijack, forgot where I was for a second. *blush* )
don't be too clingy, don't pursue or chase. When he's around, be available to interact with him, & when he's not you fill your own bucket. okay ? Hang in there, I can't imagine how hard it is for you.
I'm guessing it's probably close to how I felt for all the years when I felt like H was indifferent to me. I felt like a piece of furniture a lot of the time. Nice to put the wallet on, & he'd miss it if it wasn't there, but barely noticed as long as it was there.
big warm hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
