You are a kind hearted, selfless man who loves his wife. To act anything less than loving feels wrong to you. Of course it does. But. think of it this way.....would you keep giving cookies to a diabetic because it makes them feel good (and they even feel love toward you because of it) even though you know it could kill them? Just because you love her, doesn't mean you should support her when she makes a decision that affects her and her family negatively. You are the clear headed one right now.
Please keep praying. You are man that believes in God. God will hear you. Be honest with God and what you are feeling. Ask for His help. I'm not one to throw scriptures, but I know you are a religious man. Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks, finds, and to him who knocks it will be open (Matthew 7:7,8)
Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart (Galations 6:9)
I'm glad you are feeling strength by yourself. That was only one weekend and you need to keep doing that. You did talk to B at one point so it wasn't TOTALLY by yourself, but even so.
I see you losing hope, too. How couldn't you? After all that your wife has done. But, don't give up on her just yet.
D papers. When's the last time she said she would give them to you? You keep strong, you show her that you will be the happy strong, loyal man that will remain so no matter what. When/if she gives you papers, you respond to that. You fight for her. You ask if she has considered Retrovaille. You talk about what she is doing. That's when you get talking and share feelings, etc. Until then, you detach and show her what she is missing.
I know you are thinking more and more about these other women. Believe me, you are not any different than me and my feelings before I had the affair. If I could only go back and know what I know now, I would stop myself sooo fast from pursuing the OM. Just keep telling yourself you are married. It is not right.
She may think her life with OM is going to be good. He may have "stepped up". But, it is not HER FAMILY. YOU and the KIDS are her family. You asked, "HOw is my not engaging with her going to make her see and realize and miss?" Because she will see what she will NOT HAVE any more. She will be forced to see her choice and the consequences of it before she goes through with the paperwork. If you keep engaging she sees you ok with this and she still "gets the friend in you". You see? She doesn't want to lose all the good things about you, she wants it all...she wants this OM and the excitement and she wants stable, friendship you and her family all happy. Please make her see that what she is doing is BREAKING The family not getting everything she wants.
I know you don't want to be alone. YOu married her and took vows and this was not suppose to happen. Of course you want someone to love you. YOu deserve that. And I hear you loud and clear that you want someone that wants you. She feels that she doesn't love you because she doesn't see that love is a choice and that the feelings she has for this man is like what you and her had at the beginning. She will get to this point with this new man just like she is with you. She doesn't know that she wants to be with you. I wish I could explain it to her. I wish she could get to retrovaille. I'm hoping she will.
I'm speaking from "her side" just like I always do. I'm telling you what helped me or what would have helped me.
I brought up the D papers the Sunday that the girls and I talked to her. I told her that, while I don't control her, we are still married. If that is the life she wanted, then divorce me, but to quit showing the girls what she is doing.
I will continue praying and searching for strength. It's hard to have hope when I see so many others around here that have or are doing the same thing, and their spouses continue to just not get it. Disheartening.
What is inspiring is the strength they find for themselves. EVERYONE on here. Not even going to try to name them. They all know who they are. All of us that consider ourselves friends here and care about each other. Uplifting each other.
We have the same feelings. To us looking in, they are really strong, but to themselves.....they don't see it, because they are in it.
Thank God for you being here, dub.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
What is inspiring is the strength they find for themselves. EVERYONE on here. Not even going to try to name them. They all know who they are. All of us that consider ourselves friends here and care about each other. Uplifting each other.
We have the same feelings. To us looking in, they are really strong, but to themselves.....they don't see it, because they are in it.
H4H You have said it all right there. We all question ourselves, but from the outside looking in, it does look different. We can all get some strength from that. We need to be open to hear what others are saying.
As has been said here many times, we are fighting the good fight. When we get knocked down, we need to get up, brush ourselves off and continue.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I guess I could rephrase it to be, do you THINK what you are doing in your sitch getting you closer to your goal?
If not, what do you think you should do or change?
I don't know. I do think if my H and the OW broke up he would want to try our M again although I know that's not always the case; but I'm smart, funny, nice person and now actually have some self-confidence and independence too. Of course, I don't know if it would work out b/c I want an H that respects and appreciates me and is faithful, and I don't know if he can ever be that again.
Thanks to you and Puppy, I've realized that I need to double my GALing efforts. I'm also going to stop acting like the joky best friend with H. If he is doing what he is doing, it's not fine, and I'm not going to act like I'm fine with it anymore. So how about you??? Karen
My FH would say one minute you are fine and the next you are a mess. He never figured out that sometimes that was all connected with him. Anyway, probably not good but since I wanted him to know that I wasn't ok, I told him. " Just so you know, I am not fine. I am just trying to get through the day." Not sure if it ever helped, since we are Divorced now but it made me feel better without getting into some big explanation of how I was. Hope that helps.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hmmmm. Acting like it is not fine - how do you do that when trying to GAL? Does this involve boundaries? Or what is the "magic" formula?
Enquiring minds want to know...
Lost,
That's a great question. And it is a fine balancing act. But I think the simple answer is that you act your upbeat, positive, GAL, look-good/smell-good best at all times OTHER than when she either says something or does something that's wayward. On those occasions, you call a spade a spade ("speak the truth in love") but in a respectful manner.
And even in the former cases, even tho you're upbeat, positive, etc., your demeanor should be that of a good (but not best) friend.
Trust me, a woman can tell even if you do NOTHING else other than not look at her "that way" anymore.
karen, I think that in your case, you have come to the realization that your H is not someone you would even want to consider being with anymore.
I too, need to GAL. You know that I tried the jokey, buddy buddy thing with my wife. She only took advantage of it and lived the best of both worlds. Your right, what they are doing is NOT fine. I have pulled myself away from her, but it really is hard. You can read it in my posts of course.
Like dub told me, right now I need to be doing what I'm doing. When and if D papers happen, then I have to change my strategy and decide then what kind of relationship we'll have. Until then, this is the only way to let her miss me. My last hope. I will continue to treat her nicely when we see or talk to each other, but not going to be her buddy, no matter how much I want that.
I can only think that that is what I was trying to do(buddy buddy) because, in my mind, the marriage was over and I was already trying to establish our after marriage relationship. I kept telling her that I wasn't fighting for our marriage anymore, but just being friendly to each other.
And then who knows where it could have led. But I AM fighting for our marriage still, even though she may not realize it. Hell, I don't think I realized it. I will keep trying until she initiates the D.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
