Great suggestions! Is Core Performance Essentials a book or a DVD? Workout partner.. hmm.. that could be a challenge. I'll have to hunt around and see if anyone is interested.
Yesterday I read a post of Twin Dad's whose thoughts on detachment redirected my energy.
"You could walk out the door tomorrow and I would be fine"
and
"I would rather have you be happy than be miserable with me"
and truly mean it. In some respects it is showing more love for your spouse than you ever had by letting them go and find themselves.
I never thought I could do the first and was feeling too bitter to attempt the second.
Independence and selflessness are both great qualities to have in life. Thinking in this way was surprisingly calming, too. My focus has always been on the family, probably because of all the travel and distance he had. I was shocked and devastated by how fully he left and couldn't get past that.
Today I wrote him a very factual note about the finances, suggesting some things, asking for others. It wasn't accusatory, or emotional.. just the facts.
I overheard my 18 year old talking to a friend about how is Dad is going to give him child support directly rather than through his mom. My first thought was telling/asking his dad to share that type of information with me so we'd be on the same page. I pondered asking my son about it but didn't want him stuck in the middle. Then I realized.. I didn't need to know. All I cared about was that my son was being take care of and would be responsible for his expenses if his father chose that route.
His father's actions are no different than in the past. He usually did what he wanted regardless of what I said.
I want those two goals of detachment and will work on them.
*hugs*
PS... my daughter's feeling of loss over the ratties is still there but much less pronounced. Having an audition and other things to look forward to are changing her focus from loss to living life. Methinks I'm learning from her, too.
The day has gone by without a reply from him. I start getting all worried that I've started World War III by sending the letter, that he'll take offense, get upset.. then it will be lawyer wars... oh yes.. and all my fault!
I'll let go of the anxiety.
Living in the house creates a make believe world, living in the eye of the storm. Sometimes it's hard to believe this is all happening because this is still home. Like people said.. given time you adjust to anything.
I can't believe I have almost nothing to do with him, no conversations, emails only to discuss financials. I remember asking him repeatedly if something was wrong during the marriage, more and more often. He said, "It all depends on what you do." That was it.
The rope is frazzled, unravelling, ploinking apart. Let go, move forward, leave the illusion.
<<The day has gone by without a reply from him. I start getting all worried that I've started World War III by sending the letter, that he'll take offense, get upset.. then it will be lawyer wars... oh yes.. and all my fault!
Too bad if he does get upset, it's not your problem & not your fault ! I'm having to learn that I need to say what I want in the M, & not feel responsible if H gets angry.
<<I'll let go of the anxiety.
Good !
<<Living in the house creates a make believe world, living in the eye of the storm. Sometimes it's hard to believe this is all happening because this is still home. Like people said.. given time you adjust to anything.
This probably sounds stupid, but I had a weird thought as I was reading this........what about rearranging ALL the furniture in every single room ? Make it a NEW house for you & D.
<<The rope is frazzled, unravelling, ploinking apart. Let go, move forward, leave the illusion.
It's so hard to give up an illusion.
big warm hugs & love
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
