I found some yummy cheese!

[JenInVen]

HeyP

There could be any number of reasons why he didn't call about the beach. One of which could be he knew the forecast

You had a nice time without him. He'll call when he's ready.

[7 Year Itch]

Wow, you are making such great progress. And I totally understand the "wanting it back NOW" thing. Heck, you are WAY ahead of me, I still have an H who feels NOTHING for me (that's what he says anyway), and yet I try to rush it. Yet when I read your threads, it seems so clear all the success you are having.

I think it's hard for us to look at our own sitch's objectively. You are doing awesome though. Really. You have such great things to hold on to, and to have hope in. Hang in there, and keep DBing your booty off. It's paying off!

Chris

[pisces9]

Hey everyone! thanks for your posts...so i just got home from my H's apt. he was pretty down today, i felt it from him, so we met up for coffee, which turned into looking at houses in an area we liked...it was great bc we got to see that it is still too close to my family and need to move further...

so we went to my house after and hung out, he played with the dog- then he looked online at houses...then we went to his place for dinner- i know- easy solution- one house! anyway- we got talking:

bottom line: he needs me to sever my ties with my family pretty heavily. i agree- it is a long time coming and i have been working on this a lot. he cant stand them- and part of me is very sad- but part of me is very clear. my marriage will not work if i am connected to my family so heavily. i wrk for them. co own a house w my bro and live close to my dad and mom. it is not enough that all that is in play- but they are also the most aggressive, intense people you have ever met. they can be very sweet and loving but venom will fly at the drop of a hat. too intense for my life and my H's life.

here is what i have to do and i am freaked out! i am scared to start over but thats life...here is the list:

1) quit my job with my family's business-major income loss, detach from family who is very aggressive and intense and very mean at times.
2) sell our house
3) move away...not sure where yet
4) do i continue grad school? not even 100% sure i want to do that line of work and the process will take 5 years total for licensure
5) get a new job- the horror- i have worked for my family for 5 years. i was a teacher before that so i guess i could do that again...ive gotten used to the freedom i have but it also comes with very aggressive family tension that is not worth the $ or freedom.

is that enough life changes?

my H said he is not sure 100% yet about us bc he is till scared of this happening to us again. i was able to say the past is the past and that we can chose fear and doubt or love and trust. he said he needs to see someone but he keeps puting it off..i say well you can or dont have to...and talked about diff kinds of therapists...

i also said i want you to be very sure that you want to come back- bc if things get tough in the future- i dont want this- meaning sep or D - to be an option..he said yes- i know and agreed with me, and he kept talking a lot..i kept asking what he thought...i think he is scared that i will not be able to detach from my family and take it out on him later..i tried to reassure him that is not possible..and it did calm him down...but he has to be 100% ok with it too...

so i am just really overwhelmed, sad and scared.

BUT also excited, elated and ready for any challenge.

i need to sleep on all this but i would love your ideas!

thanks to all - HUGS!!!

[istherehope]

Hi Pisces,

Well things seem to be getting very intense!

I think it's a good sign that he is willing to look at houses with you, and have this kind of serious future talk.

My only concern looking at your post is that you need to make a lot of very serious changes (according to what you've discussed with your H). It sounds as though you are giving everything else up. Do you want to sever the ties with your family, do you want to quit your job, and are you actually contemplating quitting grad school because you want to?

At this point do you feel like there is any give from your H in terms of things that you want and need? I know that in the DB process we need to allow the WAH to share his feelings, and keep our own under wraps for awhile, but given the amount of life changes that you are expected to make, I hope that you feel there is something in it for you besides just saving the M (which obviously is very important).

Would your H consider going to a therapist WITH you? Just seems like since some of his doubt is still around the stress of the family and how it might impact you, it might be a good route to go.

Anyway it seems pretty positive, as long as you are both comfortable with the direction things are going.

All the best to you!

ITH

[TwinDad]

Pisces,

ITH has some good points. Don't sell yourself out if it is not what youwant as well.....compromising is good and maybe even a little beyond....but if you sell out completely then he may not respect you. It is good that you are talking openly about it.

Have you two talked about what you can afford with the much reduced income? Significant reductions in income create stresses of their own along with lifestyle changes.

Is your intention to completely cut ties or just create some distance and space? I can definitely see where the connection is too strong now, but to what extent do you plan on going?

[iamlost]

I'd agree & like to know more about how you feel about cutting ties with your family--is it something that you want to do?

[pisces9]

thanks you guys~
this has been a topic for a long time and now it has to happen.
i need to cut ties with my fam business. it is too attached to each other. we need to move as well- not sure where yet but distance is needed.

we have talked a lot about financial stuff and we have enough $ saved that it is not an issue and we have enough equity from our home that it isn't an issue to purchase a home we can afford only on his salary.

i still will be friendly with my family and see them occasionally-my mom more than anyone- but this is a big piece of the puzzle that has been in play in our lives. it dominates our feeling of independence and of creating a life of our own. my family is very generous with money- but then we feel like we owe them money or guilty if we dont spend time with them...an they can make you feel bad if you dont do what they need.

i do want to continue grad school- and i will for now.

i dont see my cutting such a connection to my family as a bad thing. it is needed for my maturity and my H's peace and maturity.
he made it very clear that he doesnt want to be around them- they are very toxic to our M.

i can still meet up with them here and there- but the ties are all too mushed together.

i still have a little hard time with this and think that maybe i can work P/T for my fam and do some basic work- but thats not really what i need.

so i can see why you all seem concerned- but this has been a long time coming- i just needed my H to be very clear and say what he needs.

i need to say what i need to - and i did.

all I want is for him to accept me for who i am , who i am not and who i will never be.

i also said i need that for him too- he needs to accept himself.

[TwinDad]

Pisces,

I agree 100% with the business and property standpoint....money and family don't mix. The remainder is a personal preference for you and your H. I know the "children" issue is still up in the air. Family issues have played a major role in my M through the years. I don't think I need to tell you how children can change the dynamics of family issues quite significantly.....just adding some input.

[pisces9]

i agree TD. thats more the reason why i have to do this.
if we want children- this change must occur. i cant imagine having to change all this later or if we got pregnant, etc.

but even if we dont have kids, i feel the pull to leave. it is too stressful. and i need to really just live without any more stress.

my best friend has 3 kids and i talk with her a lot about all the changes and sacrifices you make when you start a family.

seriously- my family is so intense that if we had kids we would not leave them alone with them, ever.

so that says a lot about us needing to really detach.

ive asked a few of my friends today about this and even told my mom a little of what i was thinking..most say what is he giving up?

well- he is giving up the $ as well and that security and he is taking on being the sole provider to an extent.

i would say thats a huge step!

i think #1 is we have to move.
#2 is i can work still p/t for 6 months or so and then slowly quit.

[TwinDad]

I think taking it one step at a time is a good approach especially the house arrangement and there is a lot to be said about the two of you "standing" as a couple.

What has been your Mom's reaction?