Aud,
Much thanks for your legitimate concern and care. I am going to dissect this response (if you don't mind) because it touches on most if not all areas.

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Too much stress for sure! Understatement. Gah.

Yipes! yes! I haven't been able to eat nor sleep because my life is turning up the heat at every turn. I wish in the grand scheme of things I could figure out what I did wrong, but for the life of me I cant figure out the ONE thing that has lead to this total life Armageddon. I have carefully sifted through the past events in the last 6-8 months and still don't have any real red flag other than prancing back into old ways I suppose and those ways have a tendency of magnifying two-fold.

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Whapu, I know I've said it before, but the only way to find the peace you crave is to TAKE CARE OF YOU.


You know that is the mantra I have stuck with for the last several weeks up to a nth degree. But if I don't do them them no one will or my W will come SWOOPING down from the ALTAR of excellence and show how it should have been done. My voice has been taken away completely from my household. Nothing I say or do justifies anything because my W has TAKEN hold and overridden everything. If I stand up for my beliefs, then she makes sure that all the children know that she is in the right and I am just either delusional or angry beyond normal human conditions. Last night we were awakened at midnight because the older son (16) had punched the son (12) in the arm because the middle son wanted to go on the xbox and knew that if he went on the upstairs computer it would "lag" the online gaming of the older son. We hear rustling on the stairs and then crying from the 12 yr old and a slam of the door. Then the 16 year old comes in saying he can't take it anymore, that the 12 year old told him that he needs to get off the xbox or more of that will be coming B!tch!. She said you shouldn't punch anyone and said also "aren't you going to say anything?"
I told her that it didn't matter what I said unless I agreed with her and so I don't believe anyone should be hit but I also don't believe that anyone can run their mouth either without consequences.
She said that she would take care of it in the morning. She then complained that she had heartburn, Migraine, bad back and was exhausted and shouldn't have to take care of these matters. I just told her firmly that "Just once, I would like to hear something nice instead of complaints of ailments every day and how nothing is satisfactory.
She got out of bed and said fine and went straight into 12 year old bedroom and slept with him. After an hour the little one woke up and went in after her. I was woken up when he needed to pee though so I at least have some sort of importance in the house. I really didn't get any sleep except for about 2 hours and my first day training went on in a blur. This is beyond anything imaginable for me so my posts might dwindle off to never never land. I have cut the cord of any sort of resolution and now is the time for me to figure out if there is any chance to regain any sort of life.

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I know you consulted with your clergyman for support awhile ago, and felt unsatisfied with the response...have you thought about looking for a new option in that regard?

I had sought guidance from a nun who I really admire and didn't really find it life enriching. Not her fault but I think this is my problem to tow alone. I give up.

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At the risk of sounding cliche, you've got to detach. From all of it. It's a fine line, because you are currently a husband and parent with responsibilities. But one of your biggest responsibilities is to provide a positive role model for your boys. They need your example and guidance, and an empty bucket just won't fill them up. \:\(


You're right Aud and I have failed miserably. I really need to get out of here but I don't want my children to think I am dumping them. It is beyond catastrophic! I don't have answers nor the time and energy to care for anyone but yet I am left doing it at the expense of my W grading each and every turn. I really feel like the alien now except another relationship is FAR from my thoughts. I just want to save myself and my children if possible but feel it might be too late.

"When dis' here thread locks, I think I might call it a day....I reckon"
To all peace.....