I do understand that, Cinco....oh how well I do understand it. I never understood the need to come clean to my ex-h either. I told myself that my issues were mine, it had nothing to do with my marriage, that I was just a loser/addict/whatever I told myself, that it was all me, not him....this is how I absolved him from any guilt in the marriage in my mind, so that I could take all the guilt onto myself. Therefore, I was "bad" simply because I was a horrible person, and it had nothing to do with my marriage.
But...how healthy was that for my marriage? Did I actually protect him from anything, or did it only serve to keep him in the dark concerning the truth about his side of the problems? I effectively enabled him to continue to do his half of the problems because I didn't want to confess to him what I had done. And also....I felt that I had very serious issues and concerns with him, which would be "wiped out" if he knew the truth about my indescretions. So how could I be honest?
Do you see the circular thinking here?
NO - you can't force the MC decision upon your wife...but you can make a boundary and enforce it. It would either be her decision to join you, or to accept the consequences you placed in your boundary.
All I can tell you, is that from my own very painful experience, ending up divorced, is that IF WE WOULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED COUNSELING, in an honest and open format...then our marriage may have had a chance. Without counseling, we were doomed, and that's exactly how it played out.
In my current relationship, part of the reason we are so happy is because we have been to counseling together and we are always willing and happy to go again if we need it.
