Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

It's been a long time since I posted twice in one day. I seem to be having a relapse of sad, mad, hurt feelings. It's been almost two months since H moved out. For the most part, I've been fine--better than fine, in fact. I had this today-is-the-first-day-of-the-rest-of-your-life feeling. I was incredibly relieved to have H gone after all those months of tension. I kind of liked having my bed and bedroom to myself.

I thought things would only get better and better as time passed, but today I feel just awful. I met with H for bkfst (see above post) to talk about logistical stuff and I've been feeling weepy all day. It's not that I really had any hopes of reuniting, but seeing him and seeing how cold and unmoved he still is by me--it just hurts, still.

We were talking about D11's upcoming birthday and H was saying how his parents and cousins are coming to his place on Thursday to celebrate her bday. I didn't show it at all, but later I just felt so horribly left out of his whole family.

Then, this afternoon, H's parents dropped my Ds off after having them for almost a week. They were completely sweet to me, chatty, kissed me hello. My MIL reminded me that she's available to help out if I need her--and yet I kind of gave them the cold shoulder. Nothing overt, but I again felt like his whole family is with the S program and I am still hurting and feeling left out of this family I've been part of for almost 20 years.

I am hurt that my FIL has never acknowledged our S to me, really. Recently, H's aunt and cousin (who live nearby and we see all the time) called about something or other and neither of them acknowledged the S to me either--asked me how I was doing, said they were sad to hear about it. NOTHING.

Then D11 and I were talking and I told her dad and I met this morning for breakfast and she asked Why? I said we had stuff to talk about as far as the fall schedule, etc. She asked where we went, what else we talked about. Then she asked me how things were going to work during the school year. Because of her earlier school start time and new far-away location, it's very complicated. I explained it to her and she put the pillow over her head and said "This is all your fault--yours and
daddy's"

I (stupidly) said "actually it's mostly daddy's fault."

Then D11 said "I know you didn't want the S in the beginning, but now you're glad it's this way, right?"

That's her usual line of questioning--she really wants to know that I actively want the S now, even if I didn't at first. She also balks at any suggestion I make about all four of us having dinner or Xmas together. She doesn't seem to want us to reunite, like most kids do (even though, again, H&I didn't fight).

I know she's a kid, but with everything else--seeing H, seeing my in-laws, hearing about the bday party to which I am not invited--I just feel completely left out and heartbroken all over again. My daughter doesn't even want her dad and I to get back together. (D7 does, but doesn't talk about it that much.)

(But please--before anyone tells me to GAL or let go, understand that MOST OF THE TIME I am not like this anymore. Notice how rarely I post lately. I am just having a really bad, sad day that I hope will pass.)