Something lost and never seen....

[Sugar and Spice]

Hey guys...thanks to all of you for your words. H called Saturday afternoon and there wasn't a lot to say since he had spent all night at the cardroom and blown all his money there. I didn't comment about it and basically hurried off of the phone. We made pizza for dinner and went running again and I was so tired by 11:00 I was asleep. So at 11:15pm the phone rang and it was H calling to complain about having taken what money he had managed not to spend the night before, back to the cardroom and lose. So my comment (half asleep) was "good for you." Well H flips out and tells me if thats how I'm going to talk to him that he just won't call me anymore. I responded with, "what am I supposed to say? Anything I say is going to be a fight." So then he says,"And you chose that? What are you, retarded?" and all I said back was, "Are YOU retarded?" and he hung up. So I turned over and went to sleep. He called, several times and we talked about a lot of stuff and he was pretty nice all things considered. One of the items we talked about was how he is ALWAYS loaning the Troll money and I just pointed out that she had come to depend on that and by giving it to her everytime he was not letting her be an adult and feel the consequences of her actions. How is she supposed to learn anything if he keeps "bailing her out"? So he says he is tired of loaning her money and that he only has 1 more bail out left in him. Apparently it was used today, so we'll see.
He called me this morining at break time and said that he would like to go and see a counselor so he can start doing "something" to get his life in order. We talked for a very long time and there were some good things said. There were several things said and one was that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and that up until this happened that he thought he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I agreed and then I asked if thats true then how did we get here and he said that maybe this was a cry for help. He says that he still hasn't decided "where" he wants to be and thats fine. I was telling him how much this has hurt me, etc... and his knee-jerk reaction was well then why don't you just leave me and I replied that as easy as that would be for him, thats not what I have been fighting for. That I have been working on myself and that we have done nothing to repair our relationship and wouldn't be able to as long as things were up in the air like this. He said that he needs to do some work on himself (duh...yuh think?) and figure out what he wants and where he wants to be.
Its very frustrating to know that even after all the stuff he has said and observations about their R and her that he is still even considering being with her...it just sucks.

One of the other things I said to him was that maybe he needed someone to save. That he liked being able to "fix" her problems so he could be the "hero" and her knight, he laughed, but didn't seem to think that it was so off the mark. He also said that going gambling the other night was like when you quit smoking and have gone 8 or 9 days without a cigarette and then you think you can have just one and then it reminds you why its so bad in the first place...interesting.
No expectations.