Blog #2

[Strong&Alive]

Do people understand how powerful the mind is? Do you know how powerful our thoughts are, particularly thoughts that are charged in any way? Thoughts actually preceed reality. You could even say that thoughts create reality. And no matter how you may want to tell yourself that your fantasies and thoughts are private and therefore should be "harmless", this is untrue. Thoughts are never private, no matter how you want to believe they are. They do not just "go nowhere". Thoughts are the catalyst of creation. They do "go somewhere" and they do cause creation.

So...when it comes down to viewing porn, the thoughts you are having DO MATTER. And what are you "saying" with your thoughts at that time? I mean really "saying", to the universe? To the rest of creation? To yourself and your self-image?

My opinion, is that when you are viewing porn for self-gratification alone, what you are "saying" with your thoughts is something like this:

"I fantasize about OTHER people having great sex, but I myself do not have great sex, I only pleasure myself and watch THEM do it, but I am somehow not worthy of having great sex like the people on the screen are".

???

Do you see why this is not condusive to helping YOU get any closer to good sex? It only reinforces the idea that you DO NOT have good sex, while others DO have it, and all you get to do is watch the video evidence. You are pummeling your mind with this idea every time you view porn alone. And then...that thought, which is extremely charged, goes forward into reality and starts its own creation....

If people really understood just how important ALL of your thoughts really are. And thoughts that work AGAINST your own self-esteem (even if you don't realize you are doing it) should be avoided!

And here is another thing...if you watch porn, but you would not be turned on by watching porn of YOURSELF (ie: you are insecure, overweight, don't like the way you look, don't have skills, etc), then again, where is there anything healthy about this? If you would not watch yourself on video and be turned on, then you have some work to do. Why salivate over SOMEONE else's fantasy, when you should be working toward creating and bringing to reality your OWN fantasies?

- - - - -

I know that many men feel that they are only turning to porn because their wife is not available to them. But (I am sorry) I don't buy that. It doesn't really matter if your wife is available to you sexually or not. You are still making that choice. You CAN masterbate without porn, you know, and maybe if you tried that, you could conjure up some really cool mental fantasies about YOURSELF - instead of about those stranger's bodies on the screen.

I feel that using porn by yourself is something that can quickly turn self-indulgent. And just like over-eating, being over-indulgent really doesn't make you feel better in the long run.

Being healthy makes you feel better. How about learning to have a healthy mind full of thoughts and fantasies that actually HELP you move toward better sex?

DQ,

I agree with absolutely every word of this. If there has been a "silver lining" to having to deal with my own SSM, its me becoming fundamentally (and life-changingly) aware of the power of the human mind and thoughts, and their place in lifting our spirit, and shaping our whole lives.

I've read not just The Secret but many of the other books it quotes from, and they all make the point you're making here.

It frankly still staggers me how little the average person understands this. A lot of people are superficially aware - they may recognize that person A has a confident "vibe", or that person B is "positive", or that person C is "full of energy" - but I think few people grasp that all of this - the vibe, the positivity, the energy - has to start in a person's mind, and that our thoughts are the key to everything in life:

Thoughts > Words > Actions > Results > Reactions > Beliefs > Thoughts... and so on.

Hence why so many people on this Board talk of "spirals" and "patterns" and "ruts".

My own recovery started effectively with a decision that my life "will" get better and I "will" either improve my marriage or leave. The will is like a muscle - its there even if its not been used for a long time - and it gets stronger with exercise.

But going back to your specific example, there was a stage during my SSM when I looked at porn very heavily. Looking back, I've now absolutely no doubt that I was constructing a false view of sex and intimacy as well as a deprived view of myself. One that carried through into my thoughts, words and actions.

Porn is such a big subject that its difficult to know where to start. I don't buy the "it's all evil" line - there are many different kinds etc. The essential point is why am I looking at it? If its for some ideas to spice up an existing sex life, maybe that's OK.

But... if its as an escape, then that is harmful. Something I read by Robert Glover has stayed with me - that by watching porn a man is telling the Universe that he doesn't deserve to have great sex for real. Porn is not real, and the more a man watches the less he remains in touch with real emotions, real women and real sex. He gets lazy and depressed.

And porn can definitely be addictive - it can easily swallow up hours if not days.

It also - as you have rightly pointed out on another thread - depletes precious "sexual energy". Sexual energy, its uses and its misuses, probably deserves a thread in its own right. Frequently, after I had used porn heavily I often felt spent and depleted, and in some way empty - less of a man perhaps. Sexual energy is definitely a big topic.

I have to say, I still look at porn occasionally, but I'm much more aware of the "why". And your post is a reminder of that.

Linking the two topics i.e. porn and thoughts, in a different way, I am struck by how much of the media - newspapers, magazines, television, websites etc - is "pornographic" in the sense of voyeuristically "reporting" on the lifestyles of the rich and famous. The current for "celebrity" gossip magazines is a case in point. Its a good thing to read about someone's life achievements for inspiration in one's own. But... to pore over the details of their house, their cars, their partner, their holiday, what they earn, what they eat and drink on a night out etc. Very harmful if all it does is reinforce negative thoughts such as "I will never amount to anything", "I'll never have a great life", "why have they got lots of money and I've got none?". I call it "celebrity/lifestyle porn" and wonder what kind of society created it and/or will be created by it. Rant over!

Thanks again for your provocative thoughts, DQ.

S&A