Hey Ali - I just want to jump in with my support too. I don't know what happened with the blow up but I hope that somehow it can all settle down. Hang in there...have you called your friend in Florida yet? Just getting that booked and on the calendar and having something fun to look forward to will make a lot of difference in your life!
Thank you for your kind words Cinco ... you made me cry. I am going to a meeting tonite. I am sort of embarassed but I am going to do it.
Your words are so beautiful they touched my heart,I will not give up on him for awhile .
It hurts to love someone so much who doesnt love himself...
But I will keep praying and keep getting strong. It just hurts so much. The numbness is wearing off and being replaced by tears.... This song applies ....
IN GODS HANDS NELLY FURTADO AND KEITH URBAN I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died I saw that we had forgotten to take the time I, I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do Couldn't care less about the lies You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love We forgot about faith We forgot about trust We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window Our love's floating out the back door Our love's floating up in the sky in heaven Where it began back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say You said baby it's the end of the day And we gave a lot but it wasn't enough We got so tired that we just gave up
We didn't respect it We went and neglected it We didn't deserve it But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window Our love floated out the back door Our love floated up in the sky to heaven It's part of a plan It's back in God's hands Back in God's hands
It didn't last It's a thing of the past Oh we didn't understand Just what we had Oh I want it back Just what we had Oh I want it back Oh just what we had
Ok so if I explain the argument it may takes days …he brought up everything but the kitchen sink.
The only good thing is I finally see a pattern .
and why it is so hard for me to keep change.
and stop being fused.... for lack of a better term. He doesn’t like it and starts [censored] as soon as I am letting go? This is not the first time he tells me he is thru with me after I "change" am calmer, more pleasant .
How long has it been since ***** and then ***, told me to do x, y and z? ( boundaries and to live my highest truth )
Dunno but the more I did exactly that and let go he seemed to blossom and then he came to bed and the [censored] hit the fan.
The day was like this ( not to different from every weekend mind you)
He got up with a hangover. Started drinking.. I asked him several times if he would like to eat he said no. He finally eats a bowl of soup @ 3. And he is wasted so he vomits. He goes to bed and he wakes up around 9:30 pm. Smiles at me and the kids and goes downstairs and proceeds to start drinking again…. Smiles at me some etc etc . The crew is staying her till the get into their apartment and he starts to drink with them. Again….. So I come up to bed and I am about to fall asleep and he gets to bed. @ 2 hours later. And the starts with I wanted to eat your P***Y why is she in here?
SHE?
OUR D10 WHO POOR LITTLE SOUL JUST GOT HER PERIOD THE DAY BEFORE . And she had just come in shortly before I was falling asleep to tell me she wanted to lay in our ROOM cause she wasn’t feeling well. ( Mind you the kids hardly ever sleep with us… )
And “ I say she isn’t feeling well…..”
Then he starts with I am [censored] hungry and see you don’t give a [censored] like always…. I let it go “ YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR ME YOU ARE SO [censored] SELFISH” I let it go.
He went on a bit more and I don’t remember how it started but then he was trying to talk to OUR Daughter like an [censored] and I wouldn’t have it.
And *** and ***** and evn you I think ***** would have been proud. I stayed calm. I stayed collected even though on the inside I was dying.
HE THEN SAID TO ME …
“ I AM SORRY YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS ******* BUT …. Looks at me …
I AM DONE WITH YOU , THIS IS OVER. YOU ARE BULLSHIT.”
I replied.
“ THAT IS FINE . I AM OK WITH THAT.”
This made him angrier.
MY D10 told him /tried to. I told him none of us (4 kids and me ) can tell you anything you only want to hear what you want to hear. You are asking of her honesty but you really don’t want to hear it. SHE SAID SHE WANTED FOR HIM TO SPEND TIME WITH HER… She said he drank way too much. He said if I stop and come in here and spend time with you? She said no cause even when you dont drink and you are here you aren’t here you always are hanging out with the guys ( his crew) . He said if I stop that? She said you wont you never do.
I WAS SOBBING BY THAT POINT.
He called me lazy , Ungrateful A whiner A loser Worthless Bullshit I play him ( can I be honest here? I CAN NOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WENT TO THE MALL, I HARDLY BUY ANY FROZEN OR PREPARED FOODS TO SAVE MONEY. I BOUGHT THE KIDS THEIR SUMMER CLOTHES AT A THRIFT STORE. I WAS RIDING MY BIKE FOR MONTHS AND DID NOT HAVE A CAR AND NEVER COMPLAINED ABOUT IT NOT ONCE , HONESTLY. I COULD GO ON BUT DON’T HAVE TO . I NEVER HAVE NOR EVER WILL BE A MONEY GRUBBER. When I was single and going out frequently .. I never once allowed a Man to buy me a drink. It goes against who I am and what I believe. I don’t want a man to buy my pussy. I want him to love and respect me and then when we love one another, he can have it …. No questions asked. WE have nothing to show for all his hard work which he also threw in my face. That he works so hard....}
He sometimes will make 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN A WEEK. And I buy my clothes at garage sales.
I was very offended.
God I could go on forever.
The scary part is I am numb. I cried cause he said it all in front of my daughter but not for me…
He even said to us why do you cry? Cause you feel sorry for yourselves?
I said to him a few times you are being ridiculous please just stop…
And he repeated he was leaving me and every time I said that is fin I am ok with that.
I honestly felt like I wanted to jump out the window out of sheer frustration. He is Mad… he is crazy and I feel crazier for staying.
This isn’t my highest truth and I didn’t back down this time…
OH and then he went into a lengthy explanation to our Daughter that I am hypocrite. I just do things to get something out of him///
I am beside myself.
And then when D10 went to bed.. He asked me to massage him…
I wanted to jump for sure and I massaged him instead. Then he wanted to have sex. I was NUMB~ I felt my skin crawling. I was crying.
And then he even said “ if you dont like it we can stop. Why aren’t you coming ? “
I feel betrayed and I feel low. I am not sad I feel like I have flat lined. Like I am gone and al l that remains is someone I don’t even know. I want to go and yet I don’t know. I want to be Happy is that really that selfish.
OH and he even told my daughter… I bought your MOM THAT CAR>
What more does she want?
MY D10 told him .. “All she wants is you Daddy, she does everything for you… and she never says mean things about you. Not like you always say about her. She loves you.”
Sorry everyone I feel like a failure. I also feel like giving up. Just that I am not a quitter ….
I feel tired, tired of being humble and loving and not asking for much and still being treated like a money grubbing bitch. He will spend 200$ drinking like no big thing. And If I ask for $ cause the kids need something he acts like I asked him to cut off his PENIS~
NO exaggeration.
It is the sad truth… and it breaks my heart.
That isn’t love…. I dunno whats wrong with him. And I don’t know if I can do this the rest of my life. He is supposed to appreciate that I am who I am …. And he doesn’t….
You know what I actually feel ok... I know I wll be ok. I am a beautiful , vibrant , loving , whole , humble , down to earth Woman. And I can make it on my own even with 4 kids. At least we have eachother and I couldnt ask for anything more. I am blessed. ~Alicia
This morning he acted like nothing was wrong? Didnt want to gwt up to leave and was being sweet.
And he just called and said " what are you doing?" I replied " Nothing" I asked " how is your day going?" he said .."so far so good except I have a terrible hangover." I reply " well that is too bad, I hope you feel better. " he says " yeah it hurts alot."
I then calmy say " Maybe it is time to think about not drinking anymore... not for me or anyone else, but for your own well being."
he agreed.
I will believe him when I see it and he changes.
I will not hold my breath and I will still go tonite to the meeting.
Thanks CB~ and thanks DQ~ and everyone else who reads but doesnt post. Your positive energy is greatly appreciated.
I have called her and she is broke and possibly moving to New York where she used to live. I will get a mini vacation. I promise and when I do I will have a glass of wine in your honor. Right now hubby is out of town for 2 days. I will get a break from everything at least for a moment and we are moving into the new house on Sunday of this week.
Love you DQ~ thanks for always being a bright spot. ~Ali
You're hanging in there like a trooper, Alicia --> that took a lot of solid nerve to NOT rise to his bait and let him drag you into his pain. You let *him* be the Drama Queen, and held yourself above it as much as you could. You did good, girl.
I know that you're hurting, so come vent to us all you want. Get it off your chest and out so it doesn't fester. You've got our support.
I'll stop here, as anything else I type will be my own rant in your defense.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Ali - I am glad you are going to find another source for a vacation and have a drink/toast to me! That is a start. I am also glad that you will have a few days without him.
Darling, I don't even want to say this as I know you already "know" and you've already thought of this but....do you want your daughter to grow up and end up in a marriage exactly like yours? Because that is what will likely happen to her.
I can't say any more than that without really "going off" so I will just leave it at that. Sweetie, I know you can take all the heat and love him through it all...and you can take responsibility for your own self and what happens to you as a result of your marriage to him...but your daughter cannot protect herself. Only YOU can protect her from the view of this stuff and from his drunkenness.
Please SHOW HER how a woman respects herself and what she does when faced with a man who is addicted/scoundrel/whatever....be her hero, not just her mom.
