Detachment isn't something you just 'do', it happens to you. When you've had enough of the crumbs, or you are angry, or both.
For me .. detachment required a lot of hard work.
I didn’t wake up and no longer care.
I had to work hard at it every minute of every day …
I even had a tick chart of how many days I could go ‘no contact’!!
I don’t think I could have done it whilst H was still coming into my home. I think that is why you struggle so much with it Frank. Even now when H turns up at the door, the conversation leaves me reeling for hours analysing what he has said and the tone of voice he said it in.
Nutty
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Had a backslide last night and was drinking. Stress, pressures, life, it doesn't matter why, I just was.
So of course that leads to a 'talk' this morning with W. I'll spare the details, the usual 'It hurts me so much to see you so out of it', some tears on her part. Some R talk.
- her reassuring me that she doesn't have any desire to 'make it work'. She has tried and tried and it just doesn't work for us to be together. - But It's not because of anything I've done, she believes that we aren't meant to be together, otherwise it would have worked out. - Part of the reason it doesn't work out is because I expect to be abandoned so I don't put 100% of myself into it. - She prays for me every day because she wants me to be happy. - She says 'we' need to sell the house and live within 'our' means. I asked her if she knows what the electric bill is, or the water bill. She says "no, because you don't tell me". She doesn't ask. Then she says "I try to give you money when I can" - When I say I see marriage as a covenant she says we have different beliefs. - As far as the lesson we are teaching the girls, I said it is 'don't fight for you marriage, abandon your husband when it gets too tough', she says "no, it's that sometimes after you try long enough, you have to move on with your life." - She admits that she's dating and it is part of her 'finding her true self' and we're never going to be intimate again.
Frank (((())))) I am sorry. I am sad to say that I find some fragments of truth in what your wife says. I think maybe you are both just too hurt as separate halves to ever become a whole.
I hope that you can pick yourself up from the backslide. Seeing your wife is not good for you right now.
You have yourself to fight for and your girls but first you need to be whole for you. I hope you can win that fight Frank.
her reassuring me that she doesn't have any desire to 'make it work'. She has tried and tried and it just doesn't work for us to be together.
Nothin new here buddy.
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her reassuring me that she doesn't have any desire to 'make it work'. She has tried and tried and it just doesn't work for us to be together.
Nothing new here either.
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She prays for me every day because she wants me to be happy
yeah, ok... whatever.
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She says 'we' need to sell the house and live within 'our' means. I asked her if she knows what the electric bill is, or the water bill. She says "no, because you don't tell me". She doesn't ask. Then she says "I try to give you money when I can"
No, you determine if the house needs to be sold or if she needs to simply move out. It is up to you whether that house stays with you adn is within your means...not her. You have kids in high school who may not want to relocate and you do what YOU can afford to do.
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When I say I see marriage as a covenant she says we have different beliefs.
Nothing new here either. Her beliefs are based on what suits her actions, simple as that. Beliefs by the MLC/WAS are simply justifications and no more than that.
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As far as the lesson we are teaching the girls, I said it is 'don't fight for you marriage, abandon your husband when it gets too tough', she says "no, it's that sometimes after you try long enough, you have to move on with your life."
Set yourself up for that one buddy. If they were thinking about the lessons and affects on the kids, they wouldn't do this crap. You asked for her to spank you and she obliged.
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She admits that she's dating and it is part of her 'finding her true self' and we're never going to be intimate again.
So she told you she is a liar. OK. She said herself the other day, no because she is married. Frank, is this ok with you? Is this within your boundaries while she lives under the same roof as you? I have said to you before how I feel about rewarding inappropriate behavior. Set your boundaries dude, don't put up with anything unacceptable to you.
Pretty much all textbook answers as I can see. You know this Frank. Don't let the lies dampen your spirit. You know the man you are. Vunerable, yes. We all are. That's what makes us human. But the winners are the ones that get back up, dust themselves off, and press on.
It always has been about getting back to saving you. You can hope that the marriage will be restored in the process, but you can't make the marriage your ultimate hope. I agree that it is unimaginably difficult to detach when something is in your face every day. That's why I think so many have encouraged you to get out, forge some new relationships, make yourself accountable to some new people. You need some healthy distractions. IMHO if it's not possible for you to get her out of the house, you get out of the house. I'm not saying move out, that would be wrong. Find things that require you to not be around. Sure, you've got to take care of your girls, but if you lose Frank, you're not much help to them anyway.
Challenge yourself - A new school semester is approaching - go enroll in a class at your local community college, something that interests you, maybe a new programming language, something. Create a distraction.
Pretty much all textbook answers as I can see. You know this Frank. Don't let the lies dampen your spirit. You know the man you are.
Yes, we have the gift of 'knowing'. We've read the book. We've seen the patterns. So we're smart.
Maybe, just maybe she's right. This is never going to be restored because she's not willing and she never will be. She wants out, she's already found someone else. She doesn't love me any more but she cares about me and doesn't wish me any ill will. I'm the one who's broken.
My beliefs don't mean a thing. It takes two and I'm only one. This divorce cannot be busted.
No more backslides though. I've had enough of the pain. I'm going numb.
Hi Frank. I came by your thread, because you asked me to, but your prior threads are just way to voluminous for me to possibly catch up in the time that I have today. Is there a specific question or two that I can answer, or can you give me a summary or something of where you are right now?
Just the past 2 threads. This is the 3rd time we've gone through this. Each time I work very hard to change and W doesn't. We get back together and I continue to carry all the pressure and stress and we go back to the same behaviors.
This time I'm doing it different, I'm looking at fixing myself first. It's hard and I am under enormous financial pressure also.
I guess that's it. I'm not seeing any hope for this situation, W sees none and we're 3 time losers.
Yes, if you plant a garden but don't water it and give it fertilizer, over time it will wither and die. Praying for it to thrive is an absurd action. If you won't take care of the garden you plant, why bother praying?
