Lodo, I was posting to you. At the time, I was looking for someone I thought I could help through this crap. But stuff happens, and I didn't feel I could be of use on these boards for awhile. Then, I lost my easy internet access for a while, and I had to deal with my own sitch.
I did poke in every now and then and tried to check on you. I'm not up to speed on your sitch at all, but I was thinking of you and wishing you the best. I think you're headed for D or at D? But the few posts I've read of yours seem strong and like your doing well. I hope that's true.
We shared some similar backgrounds as I recall; wife in a doctoral program, long distance relationships....
I still don't have the time/access I did, but I'm going to try to catch up with you. Feel free to give me a synapsis right here (I'm always looking for the easy way ;-)
Oh, I'm still in a long distance marriage; wife and daughter still in AR and I'm in CO. My son started his senior year of HS this week. I'll definitely stay in CO until he graduates.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Cat, I hope you're doing well. Are they? I was going to say I worry about you, but actually I don't; you're golden. I know life has been tough on you, but, as you continue to grow and thrive.
I don't really know what romantic is, I guess. Maybe some people are more romantic than others, not men more than women.
Funny, but I talk to a lot of women who say their husband's/bf's are cold, distant, and don't give them enough affection (yes, I'm using he word affection in ALL it's meanings :-) and then I talk to men who complain of the same things with their wife's/gf's. Why don't the high affection people match up and the low affection people match up?
There is always a difference in desire and needs, I guess. Unfortunately, the lower desire/drive person sets the pace for both - like climbing a mountain. And if you want to get to the top together, you have to slow down for the other. Of course, if the other is too slow, maybe you should find a new partner. Or if the other is too fast, maybe you should work on speeding up. Meh, it can go either way, eh?
I'm really verbose today. It's been a while since I was able to get on the boards. Again, I really hope you're doing well and enjoying life.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Just got to laugh sometimes, right? Life's a fun ride.
Here's what's going on in my world. I got tired of the lack of intimacy, the distance (emotional, I can live with the physical), and the fact that nothing had changed.
Without making an ultimatum (I wasn't trying to manipulate my W into anything, just telling her how I felt, what I was going to do - lot's of "I" statements), I told my W I needed to move on. I wasn't going to file, I'm in no hurry, but I was done, couldn't wait for her to decide anymore. Then I started (for the, what, third time?) mourning my marriage, future, etc. but felt strong and healthy doing it.
My W calls. My decision did force her to do some real thinking, about herself, and about us. Finally, she was able to tell me what was really going on inside of her (if you can ever really know). Even though she has told me over the last 2+ years that my A didn't matter, and she didn't really care that much about it, she actually was really angry at me (I always hate reminding y'all that I had an A too). Who would have guessed that my A would make her angry ? She has always had a hard time expressing anger and always feared expressing it. She expressed it though, pushed herself, let it out (I'm sure not all of it - I'm expecting more). I listened, and validated, empathized, and apologized, again.
It's more than the A, but that's the big one. I'm a flirt. I've flirted a lot during my M. I always thought of it as harmless fun, but it hurt her. I think I know better now. She brought up examples, some fair, some not, but I didn't agrue or try to defend myself. If she feels anger over something, then it's her feelings. I can't tell her she is wrong to feel that way. I've learned that feelings are like rocks hitting you on the head, denying them doesn't make them go away or stop hurting. You've got to accept your feelings, even the ones you are ashamed of, and own them and process them.
After her anger, and her self revelation, I think we are back on track to bust this divorce. I think this might have been the central issue, and now we are finally facing it. Of course, there are still lots of other issues too, but I'm hoping having this big one out in the open will unblock our progress.
For me though, I see again how my ability to risk it all, and feel that I can choose to change things, or to wait, is key. Knowing myself, being able to say that my gut is telling me I can't continue the way things were, and then trusting my gut, was and is the key. It's tricky to really know what you need, what your gut is telling you. It doesn't speak in clear English. It's easy to misinterpret and to filter it's message into something manipulative and wrong. You've got to really listen, really get down into your feelings. And then be ready to face the consequences of your decision, sometimes without understanding what is really going on.
whew. If I reread that, I'll think I'm really full of it. Oh well, the bottom line is - almost got divorced, had a breakthrough, now back on track, I think.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Wow, Mr. TL, Always good to hear from you. Thanks for the encouragement.
I hope you are doing well too. My feeling is that it never suddenly becomes easy and that from then on your marriage and life are great, but I hope it can be easier, and fun, and that yours is.
You helped me through a really hard time, and I'll always remember you and be grateful. Thanks again.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
LN)))))))))))))))))))) glad to hear you guys took the while elephant in the room and gave it a beating, you are awesome and hope it all works out.
I'm doing great, love my life, kids are happy, stbx takes care of them properly and is on speaking terms with me, thinks i'm his friend, I think of him as a business associate, lol, (the business being the kids). Wish you both the best, smooches )))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I'm so glad to hear that. I was ready to be just like you say you are, and I was looking forward to it, oddly enough. I knew I'd have more crying and sadness ahead, but was ready and looking into the future. So, strangly enough, I'm a little jealous of you. ;-)
Love your life, kids good, stbx not being too big of an ass and taking care of the important stuff (kids).... great!
Wishing you the best too.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
? She has always had a hard time expressing anger and always feared expressing it. She expressed it though, pushed herself, let it out (I'm sure not all of it - I'm expecting more). I listened, and validated, empathized, and apologized, again.