Hi Stella, I think your plan of postponing R talk until D leaves for college is the way to go. You're right, you can still DB in that time. OMG, only 1.5 days left!!! Please let us know what happens. I'm praying for you.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I think your plan of postponing R talk until D leaves for college is the way to go.
Addie, I'm coming with her. I want to meet her professors and check out the apt. She's going to rent a 2-bedroom with another girl (F from school) and I think they can use my help. I'll be away for a week and H will be alone here, packing and taking care of our pets. We're not going to have the R talk until Sept 2! I think sgoing through our stuff will remind him of some not-so-bad times...
H didn't call today as well.
What kind of drama goes on now... I don't want to know !
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I had to call him today. It was a short convo, I asked my que, got the answer. H was friendly but distant and very composed. I couldn't read his emotions, something I'm normally very good at.
I don't know what to make out of it, so I stopped trying to analize his tone.
I've been reading and rereading the excellent post by TwinDad in newcomers, on detachment.
Quote:
Acceptance - Accept (really accept) that this is the sitch that you are in.
I've never REALLY accepted it, I guess. Until a couple days ago
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
That detachment thread is awesome and TD puts out a lot of really good info there.
Do not analyze anything, take it at face value. H is probably just as nervous as you about him flying in tomorrow. He knows you know about the OW and him breaking his recommitment. As time has gotten closer to him coming over, the reality of his choices are being hammered home and he has got to be questioning them. It will be okay. More importantly, YOU will be okay.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
One of the big things I post about here is how much we fight ourselves in this. A big part of DB is "Detaching" "Dropping the Rope".. or my favorite.. "No Emotion".
We tend to focus on the one thing that would make us feel better. The return of the WA... or a hug.. or a kiss. The thing we don't think about is what happens if they do come back.. or hug us.. or give us a kiss. Yes.. it will feel a bit better.. but what happens when that fleeting moment.. goes back to normal?
Detaching.. is hard to do. It takes a tremendous amount of will power and thought. This is something that should be done in baby steps. You start detaching by figuring out your "triggers". Then you find something that makes those triggers seem better. Hence GAL. You have to distract your mind. Now as your mind learns to understand the triggers and what you can do to lessen them.. eventually you can just think about the activity and lessen the triggers.
So we know the trigger for you is the OW and your H possibly choosing her. Money is a trigger for both of you. I know he will be there tomorrow.. but identify the triggers.. and try to find something that can pull you out of your head.
The other thing I will say.. don't put a tremendous amount of value on whatever decision he makes. Even if he says.. I love you with all my heart and want to be with you forever.. You have to understand.. even if he did.. it is not going to be the bliss filled time of your life. It will be a short period of happiness.. followed by long periods of getting to know each other all over. I know you read Bobbi Jo's stitch. The one thing she has fought all along was her wanting H to come back.. she kept saying it.. over and over. Well he is back.. things are better.. but it sure is not what she thought it would be.
Understand also.. that the things you think about.. effect your actions. Just as you can tell his mood.. he can tell yours. The best thing I could tell you to do.. over the next few days.. is be yourself.. and don't think about what may come. The 2 options are.. more of the same... or something different. If you know what both outcomes will be.. get happy with both. The situation you find yourself in.. has no less "pain".. no matter what he decides. You just think.. one is better than the other.
Here is your chance... tomorrow at noon... to Start with the Mind of a Beginner.
No Expectations
Keep your head up...
And Always....
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
As time has gotten closer to him coming over, the reality of his choices are being hammered home and he has got to be questioning them. It will be okay. More importantly, YOU will be okay.
Amen to that! ((((SMW))))
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Sorry it took me so long to get back.
((((FG)))), it was well worth waiting for .
Quote:
Understand also.. that the things you think about.. effect your actions. Just as you can tell his mood.. he can tell yours. The best thing I could tell you to do.. over the next few days.. is be yourself.. and don't think about what may come.
I understand.
And you are right, I'm an open book for H and always have been. Since I cannot hide my emotions I've got to try and change them, starting with anger.
It is easy for me not to be angry with H, it's much harder to let go of hatred for OW. I have to accept the fact that H has feelings for her. ARRRGH! Got to work on them triggers
I just realized that I'm sitting in front of my comp and smiling, that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone.
I think I can make it.
((((everyone)))), I give you the genuine Cheshire cat smile now !
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
You want to smile, go read about Amy and her dual life! She has had me in stitches. Or, you could read waht I did to my H yesterday--I am an awesome stretcher! I even has SC giggling!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
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