The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

Greetings,

I think last week seemed to bring the summer break crisis to head, and things are on the mend again. We aren't were we were in June, but the car is back on the road and out of the ditch, at least.

My wife continues to have a very hard time allowing herself to be sensual and sexual when there are kids in the house 24/7 and there are things to be done: housework, summer projects, kid activities, church activities. I think she accepts now, in theory, the fact that physical intimacy is not a 'luxury item' that she can just drop when the heat is on, but is, instead, a necessity for good marital health. I think she 'gets it,' but has a hard time putting it into practice.

In working to put DQ's 'stolen deep kiss' idea into practice, I'm figuring out where her current limits are with regard to feeling either (a) surprised and pleased by the quick show of passion on my part, or (b) pursued and pressured into being sexual (a feeling I must avoid in her --> way too much baggage from the past there). During her Mommy-mode portion of the day, my touches and shows of affection still need to be NON-sexual in nature the vast majority of the time. HOWEVER, the occasional display of male possessiveness and passion seems to be enjoyed: as long as it remains occasional and I immediately revert back to Daddy-mode myself.

This is all a delicate balancing act, as it has me pushing her envelope of comfort in two areas simultaneously --> I have to be slow, steady, loving, understanding and patient about it. Due to her history of abuse, she has never been all that keen on either touching or kissing (yes, kissing, DQ). I think each represents a level of closeness and intimacy that, as a first reaction, makes her uncomfortable -- a reaction that she has to then 'work through' to enjoy.

Touching: as a kinesthetic, I'm her polar opposite in the touching arena, and over the last few months of taking charge of our sensual relationship, I have -gradually- been increasing the level of touching between us. For now, it's pretty one sided, with me touching her, but she's growing more accustomed to it, and enjoying it. She gets short displays of affection during the day, tons of massages and foot-rubs, and caresses and spooning as we go to sleep, and she's even gotten to the point of seeking some form of contact with me during the night as we sleep -- a first for her. It's not the all-night-spoon that I would love (yes, I'm weird that way), but it's great nonetheless.

Kissing; DQ's 'stolen kiss' idea gives me another avenue toward improving her reaction toward kissing and being kissed. She's never been one to "make out," even at an appropriate time, and generally doesn't even seek out kisses while making love all that much (although there ARE times, if I've really done my job well). So in stealing a kiss from her I'm not only breaking her out of Mommy-mode for a minute, but also pushing on an intimacy boundary for her: PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

The poor girl's head is probably spinning, between what she wants (a truly intimate, close relationship with me) vs. her natural Mommy-mode mentality; her deep-seated knee-jerk reactions to closeness and intimacy vs. her body's positive response once I've gotten her through that barrier. She even made a (somewhat surprised) comment the other day about how the increase in touching over the last few months has been good for her, even though she still tends to resist it.

Hopefully now, after all of these years, I can successfully open up this rosebud without breaking it or causing it to close up tighter. I'll certainly try, although I still feel like I mess it up way too often.

-- B.