M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Nope..no texting.....all about you and the kids now........She needs to approach you now with stuff. You are polite and respectful to her, but you focus on you and the kids. She moved out, you gave her the retro info....now, she needs to come to you. DOn't help her or "be her friend" and make it all funny and "ok" to take your syrup, etc. cause she MOVED OUT!
Letting the magical couple experience their own realities -- financial ones, spats, bad breath, the whole shootin' match -- is important. DON'T RESCUE HER FROM ANY OF IT.
"Never rescue an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery."
I am back home now. Just left GBG's to leave off my kids. She had invited me to stay for dinner, but I didn't really answer her.
Well get to that later.
My weekend was WAY hard.
Started on Friday. Good day with the kids. Six Flags late afternoon. Lots fun as usual, but seeing all the couples and families was really hard. So, I got a little sad but recovered pretty well.
Took S14 back to his mothers afterwards because he had made plans to go to the movies with some friends and then video movie night with his mom. Leaving him off was before GBG got off of work, so I didn't have any contact with her.
As a matter of fact, she did not contact the girls at all on Friday, which was very strange. I had the girls call her about 11:30pm before bed, but no answer. I called S14's phone. He was back at the apartment already with GBG. I told him the girls just tried to call mom. "Yeah, she's here, but we are trying to get a pillow out of the washer that is stuck in there.
I guess she now has a washer/dryer.
But, still no call later.
I invited S11's best friend to go to the coast with us. She's the daughter of my best friend and she spent the night on Friday with us.
Picked up S14 Saturday morning back at GBG's apartment. I had planned on getting an early start but woke up late. Missed GBG by about 30 minutes. Found out she got up late too.
On the way to my parents house, we have to pass by where GBG works. One glance towards her work and seeing her vehicle put me in an emotional funk the WHOLE day. On the way to the coast, fighting back breaking down. I mean, FIGHTING. S14 noticed my mood.
Halfway there, who do you think calls me? Yup.
I took the call. Just calling to see what I'm up to. I tell her what we're doing. She tells me about her last couple of day. I talk about mine. She asks how the kids are taking things. Some chit chat.
Its uncanny. But I ended up going back to how I was feeling. By the time we get there, I'm even slightly sniffling. At one point, S14 reaches over and picks up my sunglasses to see my eyes. Unload, unpack and hit the pool, I'm drinking in some beers with my dad. Do a little swimming and then the girls want to hit the beach. S14 even has to tell me to lighten up. I tell him I'm trying. Off to the beach, they are having a blast. I stay on the beach. Lying down watching them, I can't hold back any more. The tears come. Praying to God to help me. After only a few hours, my parents and sister decide to head to the hotel to eat. I notice I missed a call from GBG. VM says she is just getting off of work, does she need to go check on puppies. I return her call, but no answer. I leave a VM asking her to check on them if she can. I stay with the kids except S14. He goes with my family. The girls go walking down the beach looking for hermit crabs.
A couple hours later, I'm sitting on the beach with the sun going down. I am nearly the only one there. At least an hour by myself. Watching the sunset, a peace fell over me. It was beautiful.
I'm going to be ok.
We head back to the hotel, wash up, get some dinner and watch the Olympics. Everyone to sleep, D11 and I got to see the replay of the eight gold medals and got to see the mens 100 meter. That was AMAZING.
Today was MUCH better for me. I even mentioned it to the kids. I also talked to my mom. Told her about me struggling yesterday. She said it showed. She know it's hard doing things like this alone. Family vacation stuff. It has to be expected.
It rained all day. Even all the way home, and its a 2 1/2 hour drive. Getting into town, I call GBG to tell her we are in town and on our way. I called her because I didn't want any surprises at her place. She asked just where we were. I tell her. "Do you have any cokes?" "No. No sodas. Got waters and juices." "Okay. Do want to stay for dinner? I'm cooking. I started cooking earlier and then I fell asleep." "So your on fire?" "Yeah, I woke up and it was smokey. I burned dinner and had to start over again." "So you want a coke?" "I just want to wake up." "Okay, we'll be there in 20 minutes." 5 minutes later, she calls and tells me not to worry about getting a coke. She found one. I never really answered her about dinner. I KNEW I should say no. I have things to do.
I get to the apartment. Unload the kids. I actually find some cola's in my ice chest that my dad must have put in. I ask her if she wants them. I also ask her if she wants some leftover beers. She says sure. I notice a couple candles lit.
I explain to her that I need to meet friend to drop of his daughter at a nearby gas station. He did not want her to stay to have dinner with GBG.
"Why doesn't he just pick her up here?" "Because he wants me to meet him at the gas station." I left it at that, but she knows why.
Leaving, I go ahead and tell my kids goodbye, like I'm not coming back. D11 is sad. "I'm going to miss you dad." She looks down. GBG tells her, "You know you can call him. Cheer up. Daddys a big boy."
I left and went to leave off our "other" daughter. I fully intended to go home, but then S14 calls me. "Dad, where is my bag?" "Your sister got it, didn't she?" "No, its not here."
It was in the back. Not sure how the hell we missed it. I have to go back. Now I'm wandering if she is going to invite me again. Say anything. I turn off my car and lock it. Take the bag. At the door, I hand it over to S14. GBG yells from the kitchen, "Ask your dad if he wants to stay for dinner." S14 asks me. I "consider" it.
"Okay, let me turn off my car and go lock it up."
We sit for dinner, she talks about her weekend. We talk about ours. D11 says how she misses having family dinners. GBG says we can still have family dinners some days. I don't say anything. She starts to tell us how she woke up late on Saturday and barely got to work. She is laughing and so is S14. D6 says, in that little voice that kids have,
"Why, was Tommmmm here?" She kind of ignored it. So did I, but I'm sure something showed on my face. I never looked at GBG. She said a couple other things and then looks at D6 and said, "And no, Tom was NOT here."
She tells me how she cleaned up S14's room at the house and now the girls can have the separate rooms. I tell her we've talked about it and they changed their minds. They want to stay together in the same room. She also mentions how she wants to help me pull up the carpet. It smells now after the puppies and the dogs. I'm like, what is she talking about. What does she even give a CRAP!
I forgot, when I was helping clear off the dining table, the Retro packet was on the table with the info out. Other stuff was stacked on it, but that means she looked at it.
After dinner, we talk about school coming up. Our plans. What is best for the girls as far as what we can do with D6 and such. I was nice and talked a little more than my usual. I stayed for about 1 1/2 hours. Then I decided to leave. Before I left, I whispered to D11,
"Mom thinks you were being sad because you are worried about me being alone at home. She doesn't realize that it because you are going to miss me. Be sure and tell her why your sad if she asks. Don't let her think something if it isn't true, okay. Don't forget that I'm okay, ok?"
She had brought our big dog Cocoa to the apartment and we decide that I need to take her back home. Moe is staying to be picked up my SIL in the morning to go get fixed. GBG walks me out to the car and I get the dog into the car. I verify that she is taking a few days off this coming week and ask if she is going out of town, too. She says yes. Laredo and the coast, too. She had a really sad look on her face, but I acted like nothing. I think I said to myself how she was maybe going to miss the dog or something.
I give a quick goodbye and leave.
Man, did I want to go for a hug, but of course I'm not going to. Your mind tends to race and think that NOW is the time that she is going to come out of it. Tell me how she has given up OM and is sorry for what she has done. A long embrace and deep kiss. Okay, I did in my head. You know, I even almost texted something to her Saturday night. That's how sh*tty I felt. I was missing the hell out of her.
I shouldn't have stayed for dinner. I didn't intend to. After S14 called me, I had to reconsider. Like I thought something was telling me something, again. I took it as a sign. So I stayed. Except for D6 saying what she did, I stayed a confident, strong man.
A man that I hope deep down inside, she misses too.
Overall, a great weekend and week. Just hard.
Last edited by hopeful4her; 08/18/0803:31 AM.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I'm sorry your weekend was tough. You knew it would be, and it will be like this for a while. I read a part from a Dr. Seuss book today that made me think of you (Oh the Places You Go):
"All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act."
You are amidst the balancing act right now. That peace you felt when watching the sunset. You will feel that more and more as you give yourself time. You are doing well. This is the tough time. You COULD have called your W to chat, you COULD have called B, you COULD have called anyone, but you DIDN'T and that is SOOO GOOOD. Going through this is what has to be done, and seeking someone to make you happy while going through this (some female) is not healthy.
Couple things I read from your post that I want to comment on. She made sure she didn't ask for a "coke" from you (she doesn't want to have to NEED you for ANYTHING). She had the candles on, has her apartment all cozy and "happy", showing you she is FINE. She has you over for dinner....showing how things are JUST FINE...."we can have family dinners sometimes"....already got everything planned about how everything will be fine. She thinks that even though she is leaving you, she will be HAPPY, and there will still be "FAMILY DINNERS" so she is not breaking the family, she is still keeping things just FINE. That is her mindset. Make sure to be showing her that things are NOT FINE.
Ok, that being said, you remained the strong confident man and didn't "give in" to being all "happy happy aren't we all happy" while you were there (at least it didn't seem like it). AND, she looked at the retro info. That's good.
Reminder for the week: Don't call, email, text, chit chat with her unless it is for the kids ONLY. INstead, have fun doing things without her. You will need to find what that is. NOT calling B. When seeing her, you are all business and all about the kids, happy, confident, and polite.
Couple things I read from your post that I want to comment on. She made sure she didn't ask for a "coke" from you (she doesn't want to have to NEED you for ANYTHING). She had the candles on, has her apartment all cozy and "happy", showing you she is FINE. She has you over for dinner....showing how things are JUST FINE...."we can have family dinners sometimes"....already got everything planned about how everything will be fine. She thinks that even though she is leaving you, she will be HAPPY, and there will still be "FAMILY DINNERS" so she is not breaking the family, she is still keeping things just FINE. That is her mindset. Make sure to be showing her that things are NOT FINE.
Man, I just had to add a big "AMEN" to that, H4H. This is SO true of the wayward mindset, and you do have to make sure you are occasionally giving her glimpses of the other, non-fantasy side, and CERTAINLY not rescuing her from the natural consequences of any of it.
Once again, I'll say how blessed and fortunate we are to have people like Sandi and WDID and other formerly wayward spouses helping us on here.
I'm going out today and getting that book. How appropriate. And D6 and 11 love Dr Seuss, but I don't remember that part.
Of course, I know I shouldn't have taken B's call, but I was SO down on the drive. Thinking and thinking. It helped for a little while, but then back I went.
Her invite, I wasn't sure how to take it. She has been trying to be nice to me. Not sure if she is doing it for me, herself or to show the kids something. I did engage in convo with her, but not too much. I responded and was nice to her. I wasn't 'happy happy' in talking to her.
It is so hard to realize the things that are supposed to help me get to my goal. I mean, I know I now have my lesser goals for myself, but my ultimate goal of reconciling, some day. Then I even question myself with that. Do I really want to or do I really NOT want to? After all that has been done.
My heart says yes and my mind is saying to forget it.
My acceptance of dinner was a backslide. It has felt good to let her try to be nice to me. Having her consider ME for a change. But did it help? I wanted to stay and didn't want to stay at the same time. But I stayed.
I considered sending her an email thanking her for the invite and let her know that I am stopping by the apartment to leave off a game and Ken doll that D6 wanted. Also the charger for the phone that D6 uses now. When I do go by the apartment, I plan to leave just before she gets home, I think.
Should I send the email? The part of thanking her? Leave before she gets to the apartment?
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I would mail her a card. Keep it short and sweet...Thanks for the dinner the other night. Emails or sooo impersonal, I hate them but they are necessary at times. To show appreciation, send the real thing.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
