For those of you who have a track record of not being the most loving and plugged in husbands, the following paragraph should be scrutinized over and over again.

Quote:
That's why I think I had to watch his behavior. I had to test small things to see if he would react with harsh coldness, or soft tenderness. Only after months of tenderness did I start to really open up. Each show of anger from him, pushed me further back. Hot stove, don't touch.



There is a veritable primer of instructions for the male (and possibly even female) DB'er in this one paragraph.

1. They will WATCH first. They are NOT interested in our words or our token acts of affection. They are watching our NORMAL behavior around them. You can compliment till you're blue in the face, buy pretty gifts till your penniless...what she's really looking for is the you behind the scenes. The you that you THINK no one sees. Do you get it? She wants to know if you're REAL!

2. They will TEST you. How do you test? Come on Neil, you ought to be able to answer that one being a fellow teacher. You confront the testee with challenging situations and see how they respond under duress. The next time you wonder why they're flinging crap at you, ask yourself how you responded because chances are you were just examined.

3. It takes TIME. And always much more time than WE think it should take. Look around the boards here and count how many people are IMPATIENT because their spouse is not responding positively to all their wondrous changes. Hey! Rome was NOT built in a day. It took awhile to create this mess, you can be darned well sure it will take awhile to clean it up.

4. They are SENSITIVE to what led them away. If you have a history of being angry, better learn to deal with your anger in another way. If you have a history of being non-communicative, better learn how to communicate. If you've been unable to be assertive and make decisions, you better reach down and...well, you know. They've told us what the issues were for the most part. We BETTER listen and respond appropriately. Some will say that nothing we do has much impact, but I'm thinking that if we push one of their HOT buttons, they WILL remember.


It's invaluable to have folks on this board willing to talk about things from the perspective of BEING a walk away spouse. It's our job to listen to them and hopefully learn a few things that might help us to perservere a bit longer.


Yeah, it's frustrating and there is little positive feedback to keep us going.


It's our love hopefully that provides the fuel.


Good stuff.


Blessings,

Bill

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."