How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ?

[TwinDad]

SD,

You have been getting some excellent advice from Neil and Julia!

But How do I show her I love her more than anything if she refuses to let me express it... I have learned about her emotional needs - I what to satisfy her needs - but have limited time with her to be able to meet her emotional needs. Also she is so angry - anytime I try to express my love - the devil comes out of her to put up the ice wall to protect her emotions.

This is the key paragraph in your post in my opinion. First off, I have read His Needs/Her Needs. I actually read it when my W and I started to have problems. I told my W I wanted to meet her needs.....she told me "she didn't want me to" The book is excellent, but it is not the time to use it aside from trying to understand things a little bit with the realizationt that this understanding is something you are going to have to keep to your self. I read the book and told my W "I had it all figured out"....she said "you can't fix this"....I said "No but we can".....she said "But I have to want to"....any of this sound familiar.

I think Dr. Harley's advice on the subtleness is essential in anything you do.....anything else will come off as needy, pursuiting and will be viewed as pressuring.

If you want to meet your W's emotional needs then meet the one that she wants you to meet......detach. Have the strength to be yourself and to let her be herself. This is what real giving is about....she has told you what she wants (space)....give it to her even if you don't want to. Have the courage to let her go....but be her friend if she needs one (Check out the Man-Up thread in MLC by SG....it is probably several pages back now). I doubt seriously if your newly sep W was upset that she only got a card for your Anniversary...I hope you didn't follow it up with flowers. This is a day she is trying to forget....don't pressure her.

The biggest thing you can do is GAL, especially with your D....she needs you.

It is good that you can be civil....be upbeat around your W.

My W and several others told us they didn't want to work on the M, that it was over, etc, etc. All hope is not last by any means.

The reasons you listed seem pretty "light" to be seeking a D while having a 2-1/2 yr old D.......is there anything else.....any suspicions?

Just an observation, but having been through a sep with children the age of yours, it almost sounds like your D is kind of like a ping-pong ball. I agree with the 50% custody (especially since you sound like a good Dad) but it is important to have some stability in her life. My W and I did alternating weeks with a visit in between or planned activity for our children that we would share in. Just a thought (I wouldn't bring it up if the dust has steeled on the sep agreement....no point bringing up tension again). If D happens then you might consider a different arrangement.

I would work mainly on GAL (yourself when you don't have D, and with D when you do!). I would also work on being her friend....listen to her and care when SHE gives the opportunity. Let her lead the R....chances are if you stop chasing she will stop running