We both have the same bank account and both work full time jobs. So, I would just open another account. The cellphone contract is almost up. I would move the contract into her name and I would go to a prepaid cellphone.
I brought that up once when we were talking about some things and she was full bore on divorce. Her response was she did not mind if I was still on the same contract with her.
Last edited by yenko69; 08/18/0812:53 PM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
I would suggest opening up a separate account, having your paycheck directly deposited to it, and then sitting down with her and figuring out which items you're going to continue to contribute to and which ones you are no longer willing to. Err on the side of being generous, and be careful what you communicate in writing.
I think I will try and get her to go to C with me next week to work some of this stuff out. At the moment I really don't want to deal with her or any of this bs.
I do err on the side of generous since she has the girls with her. I am not going to shortchange them for W's mistakes. CYA is always the name of the game when it comes to any interactions.
Thanks for the advice you have given.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
I was thinking that I should also tell her that I have my own life and doing stuff like she did last night is not acceptable. I did not choose this, but I have to deal with it.
There is probably a gentler way of putting that, but the meaning would be the same.
Trying to use D11 against me and calling me an F-lying still pisses me off this morning. She should not have walked if she was so flipping worried about what I was doing or who I was spending time with. Asking if I would be here when D11 got out of school like I am so irresponsible. Messing around with this OM all weekend and flipping out on me about having someone else over here. Texting me and saying I was like some of the other a-holes she has dated, maybe she needs to look into the mirror sometime.
Good to vent some of this. I may have to see her later today. I should be able to control myself well. Just put on my cop face and put my emotions off to the side.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
You have GOT to find the calm, middle ground between your prior placating/pleasing behavior towards her and the rage you're feeling now. I know it's not easy. But what you're going for is "Yes, I love you, but I am no longer to allow myself to be disrespected this way, and my own emotional health is more important to me right now than my need to have you in my life. So I must protect myself, and protect our kids, and I can assure you, I will do both."
If it helps motivate you any better, know that the CALMER YOU ARE, the MORE IT WILL PISS HER OFF.
I did talk with her on the phone a little while ago. I remained calm and pretty upbeat. Found out she is working from home tomorrow so I guess I will be seeing her soon. I got to get some more stuff done before the detective comes over. I have pretty much been letting the anger seep out. I should be able to be in a good place tomorrow.
-But what you're going for is "Yes, I love you, but I am no longer to allow myself to be disrespected this way, and my own emotional health is more important to me right now than my need to have you in my life. So I must protect myself, and protect our kids, and I can assure you, I will do both."-
It is not easy to find the middle. That helped though.
-If it helps motivate you any better, know that the CALMER YOU ARE, the MORE IT WILL PISS HER OFF.-
Yes, that has worked well in the past. She does get angrier if I do stay calm and don't fall into her traps.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Whenever she starts with you, try to visually picture her IN A PIT -- like a gymnastics pit of stuffed pillows, or maybe a pit of quicksand -- whatever works for your "mind's eye." Then tell yourself "DON'T JUMP INTO THE PIT WITH HER. . . DON'T JUMP INTO THE PIT WITH HER . . . "
When in doubt, these always work:
- "I'm sorry you feel that way."
- "I'm really sorry you feel that way."
- "I understand."
- "I just don't know right now."
- "I'm sorry, I don't want to talk about this right now."
- "You're screaming at me, and it's incredibly disrespectful. Call me back when you're ready to have a civil conversation. I'm going to go now; goodbye."
- "I'll have to get back to you on that."
- "That sounds like a legal matter, and probably better handled by the lawyers. Was there anything else?"
You get the idea. As MEN, one of our problems is that we feel like we HAVE to answer something. It's the "fixer", problem-solver in us. Sometimes you have to know when to say "Hmmm, that's a good question, I really don't know. Let me get back to you on that," or simply "Gee, I'm really sorry you feel that way."
I get your point. I have used the sorry you feel that way ect. I should have told her last night to call when she calmed down. A long day and a few beers did not make my mind right.
Saw her a little bit ago when she dropped off some money. She did not have a whole lot to say. Not that it was shocking, I did not either. I left pretty quick after she got there.
The sad thing is when I saw her I really did not feel anything. I just did not want to be around her.
See what tomorrow brings. I am heading back out when I send D11 off to school. There is plenty to do so I should stay pretty busy doing something. I will just try and stay upbeat and enjoy myself whether she does or not.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Well today did go pretty good. There was a little tension at first, but I remained upbeat and soon everything went along well. For most of the day we interacted great together. Almost like we did a couple years ago. She did try and bait me about selling the house, life insurance ect. I just agreed with her or did not say anything. Still has not brought up D since the last we went to the lawyers office.
She was tearing up at her mom's before she left. More then likely was spending time with OM since I had D11 and D16 was at her aunts. So I imagine it was just some more guilt coming out.
At first I really did not want to be around her all that much. After a little while talking and joking with her I then knew I have to keep fighting for her. I know that I am not going to be drawn into the dream that she is going to wake up anytime soon. So I keep reality in check.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
