Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..2...

[ddstartingover]

I did really well with NC yesterday. I did have to call H last night after he talked with S9. After their call S said, "see you in the morning." Today is the first day of school. I had planned on taking them---after all of our e-mail last week hashing out the schedule for school, I was confused. I called him and he said he just thought he would come say goodbye to them, if that was ok. Now, what am I supposed to say?? I said, sure, it's ok. But, after all the e-mail last week with him acusing me of trying to make him disappear when school started----when I haven't once told him he couldn't see the kids, it kind of pissed me off. However, I kept it to myself. I'll manage to get through the morning ok, too. The last thing we'll need today is a visit at the time we're trying to rush to school, but hey-----what choice do I have.

I don't know if he was drunk, with OW, or just leaving OW, but when I called last night he was so confused. At first he thought I was D11, and when I said no, he thought I was D15----I had to tell him it was me. He also asked questions that I had just answered or just generally sounded like he wasn't tracking. He told H he was at home, but I could hear the blinker going in his truck when we talked. He has a long way to go............Oh well...........

Today, I plan to go to the Y after I get the kids to school. Will hope my back and knee hold up, and I can finally start working on me................

[lovehopefaith]

I truly believe that H is ill----this MLC crap is a chronic illness. If only we could treat it like any other................I don't know the prognosis yet, but I'm still standing, and giving DB another chance. I declared that I am starting over with DB (effective yesterday). I thought that magical anniversary was today, but now that I know it was really yesterday (read it on my own sig)-------------it must be fate.

Hi TCBTE,

It is an illness. Remember that you are the sane one, the strong one, the one who knows what she wants and wants to do the moral thing by keeping your family together and valuing your commitment and vows to your H.

HE is the one who is confused and mentally ill. (At least that's what I tell myself about my H.) Continually remind yourself of that. It will help eleviate the blame on yourself, and it will give you compassion for your H's mental issues.

Be strong. My D starts school in two weeks, so I can relate to the fact about when that happens, I will be able to concentrate on myself more.

Good luck!

[ddstartingover]

I walked 2 miles at the gym yesterday, followed by about 30 minutes of weights. I kept busy for the day, did not contact H. When he e-mailed later in the day to ask when D15 was done with softball, I replied with just that. When he brought her home, I invited him to dinner. He came for dinner, ate and left with the kids. An hour and a half later they called to tell me goodnight.

I woke up alone this morning. An empty house. The kids called on the way to school to tell me goodmorning and that they loved me. S9 asked me, again, if I was ok.

I told H that I did not want him to make the kids call me. He told me that he appreciates having them call when they are with me---and wants met to remind them to call, but I thought I made it clear that I did not. I sent him an e-mail this morning and simply asked that he not make them call me. I told him that it only reminded me that I was alone, and that I didn't need that. I also told him that they won't always be able to do this, and I don't want them to feel guilty on days that they can't call.

It breaks my heart every time my S asks if I'm ok. I have to lie and say yes, when I really am not.

All I ever wanted was my family. I never wanted more than to devote my life to my kids. I knew that the first time I looked at my D15. I've lived for that and that only since. When I stopped working outside the home, I never looked back. I never planned on anything or for anything else.

So now, here I am. I'm 43 years old. I do not know who I am. I don't know what I want out of life other than to not be alone. To not be without my kids. I have people here telling me to get over it, move on, stop acting like I'm entitled to something. I know I can't have H now. I know that I don't want who he is now anyway, but why should I have to give up my kids. Why do I have to give up the only thing I knew and know that I want out of life?

I asked H to let me keep them during the first 2 or 3 weeks of school, and it resulted in a series of very hateful e-mails with H accusing me of wanting him to disappear out of their lives. I have made it clear to him that I do not want that. I have not limited his visits here. I always welcome him whenever he wants to see him. They come first, and always will. But yes, during this series of e-mails I reminded him that OW was in the picture and that all of THIS was related to his issues and what he wants. And for this I get the deserved 2X4's.

The person that H is now is not the person I have loved all my life and loved me. The person he used to be would not want me to be in this kind of pain. The person he used to be would not think it was ok to let me be alone.

It is not fair. I am entitled to more, but I know it doesn't matter. I did not deserve any of this. I did not deserve to have my husband of 22 years flip out and turn to someone else. I did not deserve to be lied to for 2 years about it. Bitter? I'm not bitter, I'm just sad. I'm in pain. I don't know how I can do this. I know I can't change any of it. I know there's nothing I can do for anyone but myself. But, where is the step by step manual to help me do something for myself? Where is the book that will tell me how to find what makes me happy and live the rest of my life?

I went to the state park and walked for 2 miles today. I cried for the majority of the walk. I tried to pull myself together when I passed people on the trail, but I'm sure it was obvious to anyone that looked.

THIS is paralyzing. I made the mistake on someone else's thread to suggest that THIS resulted in different issues for those of us who married their HS sweethearts----for those of us that didn't have a life before their H. I was quickly shot down for thinking such a thing. So, I guess it's just me. It's just that there is not enough of ME to become my own person now. This is my unique problem---not knowing who I am, what I want and how I can be happy.

Pathetic? Yep. I know it.............do I want to change it and turn this all around---YES. But how in the hell do I do it????

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((((Di)))))))))

I made the mistake on someone else's thread to suggest that THIS resulted in different issues for those of us who married their HS sweethearts----for those of us that didn't have a life before their H. I was quickly shot down for thinking such a thing. So, I guess it's just me.

I think you have a point there! I read so much similarity in sitches like yours, and Treese's and a few others.... I think it is a valid concern. I don't think it is just you.

I think your analysis of your "problem" is spot on, though! You need to find out who you are, and what you want. The trick is figuring that out, isn't it? I think you've made a start, though. I think the walks, and things like the gym will help. I thin kthey clear your mind, and may let it go places that it can't go when you try to direct it. It may well be during those times that something important comes into your head. The other thing that night help is to purposely do things that you might not have done, or thought you didn't like. Go to a movie by yourself. Or even rent a movie you never thought you'd like. Try to move yourself "out of the box". Experience things you haven't, see if you can learn something about yourself.

If you have the means, travel a little, even weekend trips. See places you haven't, maybe even in your own area.

Maybe that kind of stuff can be a start?

[CMNM]

THIS is paralyzing. I made the mistake on someone else's thread to suggest that THIS resulted in different issues for those of us who married their HS sweethearts----for those of us that didn't have a life before their H. I was quickly shot down for thinking such a thing. So, I guess it's just me. It's just that there is not enough of ME to become my own person now. This is my unique problem---not knowing who I am, what I want and how I can be happy.

You know what sucks about this BB a lot of the time? It is that people try to come on here and give good advice and then they are mocked for it.

You were not quickly shot down for saying what you said. The point I was trying to make is that it really doesn't matter if you were a high school sweetheart or if you were married for 3 years...the advice is all pretty much the same. Are the issues different? Sure. But, the DB advice is still the same.

It seems as if you are willing to toss aside advice because you can say "but it wasn't tailor made for ME."

Where is the book that will tell me how to find what makes me happy and live the rest of my life?

That is the book that YOU have to write. I am sad that you need a script to tell you what you like. I am not being mean or facetious here-- I am sincerely sorry.

That you are having such a hard time finding who you are tells me that this is not a result of being a high school sweetheart. Plenty of people got married young and were able to continue to grow. For some reason you seem to have been stunted. Have you explored why this is?

I am not here to make you mad...so I will not post to you anymore. I really was trying to help you. I just get frustrated when I see stuff like this:

It is not fair. I am entitled to more, but I know it doesn't matter. I did not deserve any of this. I did not deserve to have my husband of 22 years flip out and turn to someone else. I did not deserve to be lied to for 2 years about it. Bitter? I'm not bitter, I'm just sad. I'm in pain.

The pain never really goes away, but after 400+ posts and almost a year here it seems as though there could be so much more out there for you! None of us wanted to be here. We all found this site because we were trying to save our marriages. The beauty of this site is that you will get many responses...some cuddly and nurturing, some reassuring, and some a kick in the ass. I hope others here will continue to nudge you at the very least. And I say this with care and concern.

If you take nothing else from this post, please at least think about this:

I sent him an e-mail this morning and simply asked that he not make them call me. I told him that it only reminded me that I was alone, and that I didn't need that.

Ouch. Serving up this guilt to him is not going to get you anywhere but further away. Why would he want to talk to someone who is going to say things like this?

This is not about who is right or wrong, who is hurting more. It is about what works. Constantly pointing out how hurt you are or how alone you are doesn't work. Who would find that attractive? Do you want your H back out of guilt or out of a real desire to be with you?

Look, I am not trying to hurt you. I would like to say that people gave me this same advice, but I didn't post a lot and it was hard for others to see where I was stuck. What I am telling you is the advice I needed to hear. I have been through so many of the same things you are describing. I played the pathetic soul and hoped to guilt my H into realizing that family was important above everything else. It drove him further away.

The more confident I am, the more he wants to talk to me. I can hear the smile in his voice when I answer with a cheery "hi!" instead of a quiet "hello?" Sometimes he would even say, "man, I love to hear you like this!" And yes, I am sure you will have to fake it at times. We all do. You are no different.

I have a question I would like you to think about:

What is the real reason you don't want your kids to be reminded to call you at night? You gave a couple of reasons:
a. The potential guilt to them
b. You don't want to be reminded you are alone

I think it is a little bit of C: You wanted a reason to contact your H and remind him again that HE is doing this to YOU.

I have a feeling that will make you mad, but I hope it will also make you think.

I really do hope for the best for you, TCBTE. I am not here to make you angry or more unhappy. So, again, I won't post to you anymore. I hope you continue to explore what makes you happy. Like you, all I ever wanted was my family. I am not coming from anywhere but the same place of pain you are.

[ddstartingover]

CMNW - can't say I don't deserve everything you've written to me. I know I deserve it, and more. Unfortunately, it doesn't get me out of the hole I'm in. I know that I'm the only one that can do that, and I'm sorry for making you feel like I don't appreciate all the advice I'm getting.

I will be the first to admit that I have serious problems. I will be the first to admit that I did not continue to grow over the years. I know that I have A LOT of work to do on myself, and yes, after being here for over a year, you would think I would know how and would have learned more. The pain, however, is not going away, and I guess I just suck at all of this.

I'm not mad about your assessment for my reason to contact my H today. You're wrong. If I would have thought about it and waited until the crying had stopped, I would not have added the part about making me feel alone. I don't want him to feel guilty. I don't want him back out of guilt. I don't know if I want him back at all----not if who he is now is who he will be for the next 50 years. After I've thought about it, I wish I would have just waited and told the kids tonight myself, but it's too late.

Maybe a kick in the ass got you to where you are now. Maybe it was a lot of mistakes and learning from them got you to this point you are at. Maybe I will learn from my mistakes too, and maybe, just maybe we all need to make some mistakes to get us to the other side.

I'm sorry that I'm such a slow learner, and I'm sorry that I come here to let out some of my emotion. Yes, I feel like I've been [censored] on (by my H) and then some. Yes, I KNOW that my faults are many and that I contributed to the failure of my marriage. Do I want to save it? YES. Do I need to stop making mistakes? Yes, unfortunately, I'm an emotional wreck, and the mistakes will continue to happen until I get control. Does it help ME to be criticized at every mistake?? No. Will I continue to welcome EVERYBODY'S advice. YES. I appreciate your efforts to tell me what you thought you needed to hear, and some day it may all sink in and I will be where you are at.

Maybe I just need to stop posting until I get control.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((Di)))))))

Don't stop posting! Even you you feel the worst, just knowing someone is listening helps. Everyone has a different style, sometimes one works best, sometimes another. And it isn't always the same for the same person, even. Don't give up!

I think it is time to go on a safari, and hunt down Di! See what is inside her, and shat she likes, who she is. Maybe it should have, or could have been done before, but that doesn't make any difference now. What can you do about it today?

[CMNM]

Oh, and I also saw your little dig about touching off an attack campaign on your thread (on the day I first posted to you) on another thread.

So, another question (that will probably make you mad but is actually designed to help you):

Why do you like playing the victim?

You weren't attacked. Go back and read the post.

TCBTE, you will surely find sympathy here. But, is that going to do anything for you in the long run?
PLEASE think about why you like to put yourself in the victim category. In reading your threads, you absolutely do it with your H...kind of with your kids, too. And, seeing the multiple times you referred to the earlier posts in a negative way to other people, you are doing it here, too.

Don't be a victim of this. Be a survivor.

And, for real now, I won't post to you anymore. I hope someday you will be able to see that I never attacked you.

Take Care.

[CMNM]

sorry- we cross posted. I wouldn't have submitted that last post had I read yours.

I understand you are in pain. I would never want to contribute to that.

Keep posting if it helps you. Just please don't mock the people that try to help. My style will work for someone else... I accept that you are not one of them. I do sincerely wish you the best.

You'll get through this. We all manage to, somehow.

[craig54]

TCBTE,


I have never posted to you before. You asked someone about a book that would bring you happiness. There is a book, The word of God, the bible, the handbook for not only a happy life, but a life filled with joy. It is one of the greatest reasons why i am able to cope with my situation with my wife. Read the Gospel of John to start.Let God take your burden, he really wants to.