Partner left after 9 yrs - looks the end is nigh

[One Day]

If I remind him, it would be because we cant have any more defaults (its joint names). Its not caretaking of him, its just reality!?? He's paying no attention to it and its very stressful.

Can you not just have one conversation with him and get him to set up a DD for the payment? It'd stop the discussions about the payments, which I do think, in a way are caretaking (sorry). It seems to me that you're taking responsibility for the payment, which means that he doesn't have to, and since you don't want to be the caretaker figure in his life, it'd be a good idea to not have to remind him you're looking after this every month.....

If he had an OW, yes that would be it, as that would effectively be his new GF, seeing as we've been split up and he's not been in love with me, as he says, for 9/10 months.

Fair enough if you see a new GF as the end for you (but do you see it as the end for you, or just a signal that he sees it as the end?) BTW- this is something I often wonder about for you- are you making decisions based on what you think, or based on the actions of others, because deciding based on what you *think* other people mean/don't mean is the path to confusion. Deciding based on your own feelings and wants is, IMO, a better and more congruent route to take.

BTW, did I miss something? Has he actually been repeatedly saying that he's not in love with you for the past 9 months, or is that something you're attributing to his actions of not behaving as your BF for the past 9 months? Because to me the two don't necessarily equal each other- all WAS say the IDLYA thing when they leave, but they don't always mean it. They have their own issues. (Before you say he didn't give you a reason for leaving, they mostly don't or come out with rubbish- like my H's vegetables reason)

My BFF says, I have made it this far, I should continue to wait the year, till November, like I said all along I would. So I guess I will do that but need to cope better in the meantime.

Are you doing that because you want to, or because your friend says to? I really get the impression that your actions are driven by other people as opposed to coming from you (see comment earlier). Maybe it's the way things sound in writing, but I genuinely believe your actions have to come from you. PLEASE stop being discouraged by what people say or don't say. You have to choose a course and stick with it- set goals and move towards them.

Although I did get a couple of emails this week (brief). Its just such massive rejection, its like he's left me twice.

I think this is because you're having expectations around your interactions with him. Let go of the expectations and things will get easier. NO EXPECTATIONS, Al!

I cant believe how much power he has, or I feel he has and how powerless and weak I feel in the face of his actions and rejection of me.

And detach- the reason you feel he has the power is because you're not detached. Everything he does affects your mood, so you have to try really hard to detach from that. Have hope for the restoration of your R, but stop reading into every little thing he does. You KNOW that this isn't about you- he told you that. It's about him and you're getting too involved in his journey. Let him sort himself out. Focus on you and take the power back. BTW- I see the comment about him rejecting you as an assumption. when men are in their caves, they're thinking, not rejecting people who aren't in there. Read Mars and Venus if you haven't already.

Maybe I should see how it goes this week, if he contacts me to meet up. I guess I shouldnt contact him at all.

Yes, don't contact him. And don't watch and wait this week to see if he contacts you to meet up. See if he contacts you but don't expect to meet- if you do and then he doesn't suggest it, you'll get disappointed and feel rejected again. NO EXPECTATIONS.

Although, its his birthday Thursday and I cant ignore that?

You can if you want to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, so decide how you're going to handle it and then do it without expectation of a response, or that it will in some way 'win' him back.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I just don't see what else you can do, or how you're going to be successful in this if you can't detach. Without detachment, my coach said, you can't reach stage 2, so this really has to be your first step. Have you considered speaking to a coach? I think it would really help you devise a plan and move forward.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Lisa! Good points..

Can you not just have one conversation with him and get him to set up a DD for the payment? It'd stop the discussions about the payments, which I do think, in a way are caretaking

We've barely talked about money at all, but yep, did ask him! He hasnt done it. Besides every month is different as he had his house for sale (and forgot to pay the mortgage!) and tenants have been moving in and out, so a standard DD wouldnt havent worked. He overpaid last month, he knows this and offered to check the payments (I didnt respond), he emailed on Monday to say he would check that night (I ignored it), he apologised yesterday for still not doing it (I didnt say anything). He just isnt taking responsibility. Its not me caretaking, its business and he is doing what he always does - AVOIDANCE! Thats why I am stressed as I cant trust him to remember the mortgages are going out this week and I know they are going to bounce again. Seriously, its a problem.

Fair enough if you see a new GF as the end for you (but do you see it as the end for you, or just a signal that he sees it as the end?)

- defo I would consider that the end for me. I would respectfully bow away and leave him to get on with his choice. Its not anything other than how I feel, strongly, now we are apart (as opposed to having a PA and leaving, which I may have felt differently about, what with all the contact from him).

Wehn I said, he says IDLYA, yes, sorry, I was referring to the bomb and, so you cant assume someone DOES love you, unless they tell you I guess. The last I heard, he didnt love me anymore!

Are you doing that because you want to, or because your friend says to?

Well, its what I want to do and I guess I feel foolish and embarressed that I am prepared to go on waiting for this man, so in saying "my friend agrees" I guess I was offering some validation to myself that its ok to keep waiting. Its of course not at all becuase she said so, just the way I typed it!

Thats a good point on the expectations...I'm pretty hung up on the timing and the eclipses and stuff and it seems to me to be an ending. I am maybe unhealthily kidding myself to see it any other way? I've gotton very little from him all along - he's always said he wants to be on his own, he's never been romantic, or kissed me, or shown any interest in me, just a blanket platonic-ness and now even that is waning.

Maybe I will call a DB coach then, but its very expensive!!! Thanks for your help today. :-) I might look back at some of the things he has said, to remind myself of our (scant) R talks, in anticipation of that.

[Abbey]

Ali *hugs*... I don't know what to say... There IS grey too, you know. Pull back and let him contact you. It's hard as hell. But... it gives you some sanity back. I'd say STOP phoning him. His birthday is next week, send an email only. No giffies... no meeting up.

Hun... you really need to detach. And trust me when I say this... even detached... you'll go through enough hell to keep you company ;)... it just gives you some of your balance back.

He's got you pulled at both end of your rope. TIME to take that back for you. Hard,... feels like you're jumping off a cliff and having "end" if you do this... but at this point... what's left to lose? PULL BACK. Not black... just dark grey... let him earn warmth and muppet convos.

*hugs*
Abbey

[mishka422]

I loved that Abbey! Have him earn warmth and muppet convos. Brilliant.

Ali - Thank you so much for your earlier post. You did open my eyes to something I hadn't realized.

I'm not going to rehash everything I said but I agree fully with Abbey. Detach. It's not going to hurt him, it may even make him more curious about you, but it will help you to rebuild your sense of self. It will give you balance.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((((Ali))))))))))

I haven't been doing a good job of keeping up, took some time off. I will try to catch up.

But, listen to Lisa and Abbey!

I'll be back, and give you lots of hugs!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mishka - you're welcome, I didnt think I explained it very well though !??

Jeff - Hiya! I wondered where you had got to, things have really nosedived in my sitch hey?

Abbey - thanks for that and you're right of course and I wasnt intending to contact him, which was why I was stressed about the mortgages...as I may have to! Been thinking abuot paying them myself this month, then he can owe it me when he does get in touch, but I havent got the money.

I suppose I think...well we already went through the LRT, I didnt contact him from before NYE and then he contacted me end of Jan to say he was moving back here. Then he started tentaviely tecting and emailing one line a day, but also, inviting himself around every weekend. First for 3 hurs, then 4, then up to 6, then it was 10 or 11 and by May we had stayed overnight together. I just cant see that we are going to end up going around that merry go round again. It feels like things have moved on, not back the beginning of the circle.

I dont think I can choose to go dark/grey, as he has decided to stop seeing me (and he has stopped phoning) anyway. It would be interesting to see what happens if we dont have contact. Tricky with the finances, which we could email about I guess. I cant believe he is literally refusing to see me now.

I said didnt I, I'd know by the eclipses and it wasnt looking good (astrologically). So, I dont know about detaching and LRTing, I think I need to face up to acceptance, that its over.

[AliSuddenly]

...I've been reading around the boards. It struck me how crazy it is to keep hanging on for a guy who hasnt even wanted to see me for 2 1/2 weeks and he lives up the road...will be 3 by the time we do meet to sign this lease (if he ever agrees to). I must be insane. I think I give up. I tried, hard, but you cant make someone love you.

My Mum said, "I hope he's happy with his decision, its a pretty damn big one. He's miserable and selfish and I hope he likes what he sees when he looks in the mirror, as he's not the man I knew, he's not a nice person anymore and just does what suits him. He uses people, friends and he's used you."

I think she may have a point.

[naej]

Hi Ali, just eating my toast -lazy morning but caught your post.
Have to say IF you'r crazy then there are some complete nutters on these bb's!!
Some have been waiting 4 years and more with h's who live with OW.!! yes my mind boggles to.
However we all know our limits, we all make our decisions based on all sorts of factors.
Number one here is you are not married to this guy, yes it was a long relationship and I don't know if you believe in m or not but you obviously believe in committment.
Two, you have no children with this man, so it gives you a clean break.
Three.Financial. I guess you are involved on that level but nothing that can't be sorted I assume.

So whilst your mum means well and hates to see you hurting and putting your life on hold. It is your decision.

Some advise no contact and just waiting it out.

IMO this will just add more stress to you, I am not a great believer in the baby steps school of thought because when you are desparate(not meaning you per se, me lots of others fall into this catagory) we can make anything seem like a baby step.
Also some people cannot get a life whilst hoping, waiting for the other person to whatever -get well get help for depression, wake up, remove other person from their life etc.
I think you maybe one of those people.?

So you can make a clean break. End of. It hurts like hell but you have closure, maybe not all the answers but you draw aline and begin a new page.
OR
You start gal, half heartedly cos one eyes always looking at the answer ph. or postman or checkin emails.
Prolonged self imposed suffering.

He may catch up, get better,get help for depression, have an aha moment. You may go through all this again 6mths ,a year down the line. You may live happily ever after.
I know nothing you haven't been through or thought of a million times. So no help.

How do you want to live. What gives you happiness/peace.
Clean cut or picking the scab.

I think you have made your decision.
Get that journal but not for watching baby steps but for planning your new life. Goals,small and longer term.
There is a world out there, go take a peak you never know whats waiting.

Just re read I haven't been as clear as I wanted but think you get my drift. Take care.

[JCJ]

(((Ali)))

How is your new hair colour? Did it come out ok?

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Naej - yes, I was (am) committed to him, but I'm starting to feel a bit of an idiot for waiting. The problem is, we never fell out at all in any way and we have spent alot of quality time together this summer...

Financially, we are a bit stuck...couldnt sell when we tried before, cant afford to have properties standing empty to try and sell again, cant live in any of them...unless we take a massive financial hit, I may be tied to him financially for some time. He gets very anxious about money so wont like to shell out loads on empty properties, just to cut the ties to me. And I cant afford that luxury either - I owe too much already.

I'm not going to make any decisions until I see him...I havent for nearly 3 weeks and EVERYTHING is different. It might be clearer then. We were getting on so well before, he was phoning me every night up until 1st August (damn solar eclipse).

Eclipses mean change and endings. I know that and I am pointlessly fighting it. But thats me, I never give up. It works when you're trying to get a mortgage, or a better job, but not so good when you need to let go of someone who no longer wants you.

I know he has been very low and stressed and ill...but I still think he may have met someone. Its too spectacular the way the chatty emails stopped...6th August and the phonecalls all at once.

I didnt dye my hair yet...ended up being on the phone alot last night!

No word from him today and I guess I plan to continue NC.

...god, I just realised how much I miss him, now that he's not in my life. Its like January again, except this is probably it now. So hard.