H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Glam,
Thanks for the suggestions! I will check out that website you suggested.

I also saw the info on "Fireproof" on one of the other threads on this board, watched the trailer, and didn't cry (thanks to ADs!) but figured I will have to go see it, probably alone if I don't have a sympathetic friend available to join me then. Hey, I know...we should all plan to see it the same night and then start a new thread to discuss it! How's that sound??

Regarding the R talks...I didn't think it was a good idea myself (at least for now), very anti-DB, and my DB coach agreed, but I had been wondering since I was reading this book ("Love Must Be Tough"). I think you are right about the baiting; I had not thought of it in those terms before. I don't really understand why he feels the need to initiate these little chats (although he *says* things like "I don't think we should just split up without discussing it," and then doesn't leave!), since from everything I've seen, he's still completely lost in the fog, and although *I* have changed (one way is that I no longer initiate R talks!), I don't think these conversations are going to get us anywhere good until *he* makes some progress too (starts accepting some responsibility for the deterioration in our M and cuts back on the spewing, at the bare minimum). I can't imagine that conversations that primarily consist of him telling me (as politely as possible) how horrible a wife I've been will help our R. I am certainly not afraid to admit it when I have done something wrong, but I will not accept blame for things I don't think were my fault (like his A...which he still hasn't expressed any remorse over, although that's not surprising since it seems to be continuing at full speed). Sigh.

You know, I never even liked the sort of roller coasters you find in amusement parks...much less the MLC kind. The merry-go-round is more to my taste...at least, the kind you can touch.

I did something tonight that was...maybe not a 180, but at least a 90, maybe a 135. I watched a movie at home. This is noteworthy, first because H used to watch movies ALL THE TIME--I'm talking one or two EVERY DAY--before OW came on the scene and he switched all his free time to her, and I rarely watched them at all; and second, because our TV/VCR/DVD equipment is in the basement, which is normally H's territory in the evenings if he's home...I won't go downstairs at all when he's in the basement if I don't have to, as I'm not eager to hear him talking on the phone to OW, which he does for hours every day (mostly in the evening). I did get proof that he goes to basement to avoid me...when I got set up and told him I was going to watch a movie, asked if he wanted to join me and he declined (which I fully expected), he packed up his laptop and went upstairs, away from me...I took a couple of snack breaks during the movie (love that pause button!), and during the second one (at 11 p.m.) he was on the phone with her. PTHHHHT! I wanted to grab the phone away from him and smash it (preferably on him!), but I controlled myself.

Anyway...it's now 1 a.m. and he was already in bed when I came up 45 minutes ago (quite the shocker...normally he's talking to OW until 1:30 or 2 a.m. or so...maybe being upstairs made that difference), so I need to get ready and go to bed.

Sigh. Why am I here again? I don't mean here on this board, I mean here on this planet. Just so I can be abused by my formerly-wonderful H, now reinventing himself as a piece of...well, you know? Sorry, I've just been kind of discouraged lately about the sitch, even though overall I'm doing okay. Tonight some friends asked us out to dinner, and we went (he was elsewhere all day, so we came from separate places), and I made it a point not to pay a lot of attention to him, as he hasn't so much as touched me in over a week, so I knew I wouldn't get a hug or kiss or anything unless he had decided to act like everything was okay in public, and I wasn't willing to get my hopes dashed. So things went as I expected, and except for us mostly ignoring each other, he acted like a perfectly normal person when we were with other people, and even in the car driving home (I got a lift to the restaurant with the friends) he was able to make normal trivial conversation with me, but as soon as we got home, I could see him shutting down against me again. It was a subtle difference, but quite clear to me. I have been thinking of Jack Nicholson's line: "Is this as good as it gets?" (from the movie "As Good As It Gets") 'Cause if it is, I might as well save myself the trouble and bail out now...and I would if it weren't for my belief that that's not what God calls me to do, and even if H doesn't honor his vows to me, I am still obligated to honor mine to him, because it's a covenant, not a contract. But I have to admit that I'm getting so TIRED of it all.

Sorry for the whining. Time to wrap up and go to bed. Comments welcome!

Peace,
Dawn