Trixi trying to find moorage

[Dom R]

hiya Trixi,

So, yes, I am shackled/trapped right now because H and I are "exclusively dating" and I am not ready to call him out. I don't know how to "exclusively date" someone and also "move on" "go dim",etc.

Trixie...
how did you two ever move from "dating exclusively", to "get married" in the first place?

Did he actually propose to you?

If so... why not think about how you would have handled it, if he had not?

Men are simpler than you imagine.
You're making things too complicated.
Instead of thinking about your loong years of history.... I think that you should "start with a beginners mind", as michelle likes to say... and pretend that you are really at the beginning again.

Treat him as though you were never married. as though you are not married NOW.
(because, lets face it dearie.. you ARENT, in practical terms )

Treat him as though you just met him, in july 2007, and that's when you started "dating".
How would you treat a man, who you have only known that long, and has treated you like he has until then?
A man that you are still (for some strange reason ) interested in something more serious with, but is reluctant to commit to you?



PS: I dont think you should beat yourself up, about accepting his spontaneous invite. Nor do i think you did badly, to engage in an "R talk", that he(?) started. The only sad part in my mind, is that you did not reply strongly enough to him, with his crap about how he loves you.
I think you did better than you have in the past but you have a ways to go, before you are strong enough to jog him out of his current attitude when he talks like that.

He's still in "you should be grateful that you have me" mode.
And you're accepting that.

Lets look at what you said to him, in that light.you told him, "i love you more than you love me".
His response would be... "yeah, ok. you do. So arent you glad i'm still around? cause if you love me so much, i'm doing you a favour, by being around you".

See the problem?

[Trixi]

Hey Dom

how did you two ever move from "dating exclusively", to "get married" in the first place?

Welllllll, we were living together and...well, gosh, not really sure how we made the transition. I only remember that he asked me on Valentine's day after dinner in front of our children. Before I could answer, his son goes "oh my God. OH My GOD! Really? Oh my GOD! Really, Dad?! Oh my God. Are you serious?" His ears got beet red and and he ran around the table in excitement. LOL!

He's still in "you should be grateful that you have me" mode. <snip> See the problem?

Yeppers.

I really don't know HOW I would get someone to commit, it's been such a long time. ...and if we weren't actually married and I *hadn't* actually made a vow/commitment, I probably would have been out of here awhile ago. But the truth of the matter is that I do have 13.5 years with this man; and I did make a promise; and given that this is my first marriage- I am still hopeful that it will be my ONLY marriage. I suppose it's "easier" for him to contemplate divorce because he's already done it once.

but you have a ways to go, before you are strong enough to jog him out of his current attitude when he talks like that.

Yeah. I'm not quite there yet-but my patience is dimishing. I may have to force his hand before I 'feel' strong enough.

Maybe Julie T. Pillow can help me thru it.

[NikB]

Cool - I agree, I thought it was mostly positive too but just wanted to get your take.

I guess I thought it was the opposite of the advice given because I didn't decline his last minute invite. AND, we had yet another R talk.

OK.. the R talk yes, it was too much. Although the "king" thing was GREAT. I think it went a little too long (the "be a man" stuff might've been too much), but you were SO much stronger here. Still a ways to go like Dom said, but way better.

Dom pointed out the "problem" very well. The "who loves who more" contest basically turned into you confirming that you're grateful for the scraps.

On the invite - I think the REASON you accepted it is important. It was a genuine invite, not a half-a$$ed offer to appease you by spending some time with you. I still stick with my suggestion to decline his invites sometimes. But decline the ones that suck, not the ones that are genuine and feel like a "real" date.