I wanted to start a new thread because I'm really not the same guy who started the apparently I'm a crappy Dad thread. I'm pretty sure I'm not a crappy Dad even if I'm not a great Dad yet. It would have been better for me to start this 3 days ago as now I have to much to say.
OK, was supposed to go out with a friend who is going to Middle East as a private security contractor, he cancelled. He was drug to a family get together. I was going to go out anyway, but, it had been raining here for 2 days straight and I didn't want to go out in the rain and I needed to redo the front brakes on the car. So, I stayed home.
Saturday I was supposed to go raving with another friend and we decided to not go to the rave. Half of the event was supposed to be outside and it rained nearly all day Saturday as well. On top of the weather, I had work that I needed to do at midnight and I wasn't real sure on the likelihood of finding a wifi hotspot out where the rave was going on. So, instead we met some female friends of my buddy downtown Denver at a dance club. It was fun, but, no blue or purple hair. It was fun, but, I had to keep one eye on the clock and leave around 2340 to go back to the car and use the laptop. Frustratingly, the work that was supposed to take 20 minutes got all screwy and I ended up spending about 80 minutes including backing out some of the changes. Then, I got back to the club only to find that they close the doors at 0100 and I was 10 minutes too late to get back in. Had a spicy polish sausage from a street vendor and went home.
I'm not really sure what the mechanism is, but, going out and shamelessly flirting and hitting on and dancing with pretty girls out at the night clubs seems to help keep certain demons of loneliness and associated BS at bay. Last night wasn't successful in that regard. As I was nearing home and hoping I didn't see my W's car at the little bar near the house, I started having that familiar I've just been gut-punched by Mike Tyson feeling again. Oh, I hate that. I just starts just above my solar plexus and radiates up through my chest and then dissipates out through the base of my skull. Sometimes I feel almost ready to double over from the pain of it. I find it strange the way an emotional pain can express physically. When I woke up, I was again feeling like I've been eviscerated with a chainsaw and my guts are hanging out all shredded and yet I live.
I got everyone cleaned up and dressed and then off to church we ran. We haven't been if a few weeks. It's a very difficult thing. I enjoy going and always get something from my time even if as I sometimes do, I commune with God on other topics than the sermon. But, I get overwhelmed with emotion very easily. Plus, how would I explain to the kids if I ever truly let the emotions out? So, I play mental games with myself and I take a huge fantasy battle axe and I cut through the nerves running to my heart and as fast as they grow back, I mentally sever them again. As we were leaving, some young lady I've never met graced me with the smile. That made me feel better. At times, I'm such a validation whore.
I was feeling pretty good as I rounded up the kids to go to a picnic at the elementary school and then when I got there, it was the strangest thing. I was my old unsocial self and I felt terribly out of place. I think it was because I was completely unprepared. It was a picnic for new kindergartners and I didn't know who Faith's teacher was or even when she has class. I played with the kids some and then we left. But, it was REALLY tough seeing all the Moms and Dads there with their little ones. Whoops, more time spent fielding punches from Mikey.
I got the kids home and took a nap. Upon waking I found out that my son and the boy next door were busy using a fly swatter to kill wasps managing to anger several and Andrew got stung on the top of his head. What a way to wake up
Then, it was off to WalMart to drop way too much money on school supplies, home to realize that it was the kid's bedtime and they hadn't eaten, a quick trip to get a pizza and then off to the neighbors to see if she could watch the little kids as their older sister starts school tomorrow while they don't start until Tuesday. As I'm leaving Andrew runs up to tell me that Mommy called and it's important that she talks to me and she will call back in 2 minutes.
While I'm waiting for W to call back, my OAI is busy devising situations for which my W needs me to rescue her. As if. No, she is calling to find out what I have arranged for the kids for tomorrow etc. and to bitch at me that the kids should already be in bed and why are they eating so late and if I hadn't waited until the last minute to buy the school supplies and ... how she is the one doing all the work.
That's when I lost my cool. I started talking loudly into the phone all the while she was talking at me and neither of us was listening to the other. But, I gave her validation, she has been doing most of the work of getting the kids registered for school. In my opinion, it wasn't as much work as she proclaims. Interestingly enough, when we were done, neither of us was angry with the other as evidenced by voice tone and since I spent a lifetime reading all those signs, I'm pretty confident on that score and based on the conversations we had after that and the texts. So Jen, see, it must have something to do with the moon.
I ended up getting my Mom to come down and watch the kids and get my daughter from school and I got W used to the idea that I will drop the kids off at her house in the morning early and she will get them to school and then I will get them after school. On that note, I have a technical interview tomorrow at 4pm MST. If you are the praying type, pray. This job would be 100% working from home, or a coffee shop or wherever and would really give me the flexibility that would make dealing with the kids much easier.
