I wanted to start a new thread because I'm really not the same guy who started the apparently I'm a crappy Dad thread. I'm pretty sure I'm not a crappy Dad even if I'm not a great Dad yet. It would have been better for me to start this 3 days ago as now I have to much to say.
OK, was supposed to go out with a friend who is going to Middle East as a private security contractor, he cancelled. He was drug to a family get together. I was going to go out anyway, but, it had been raining here for 2 days straight and I didn't want to go out in the rain and I needed to redo the front brakes on the car. So, I stayed home.
Saturday I was supposed to go raving with another friend and we decided to not go to the rave. Half of the event was supposed to be outside and it rained nearly all day Saturday as well. On top of the weather, I had work that I needed to do at midnight and I wasn't real sure on the likelihood of finding a wifi hotspot out where the rave was going on. So, instead we met some female friends of my buddy downtown Denver at a dance club. It was fun, but, no blue or purple hair. It was fun, but, I had to keep one eye on the clock and leave around 2340 to go back to the car and use the laptop. Frustratingly, the work that was supposed to take 20 minutes got all screwy and I ended up spending about 80 minutes including backing out some of the changes. Then, I got back to the club only to find that they close the doors at 0100 and I was 10 minutes too late to get back in. Had a spicy polish sausage from a street vendor and went home.
I'm not really sure what the mechanism is, but, going out and shamelessly flirting and hitting on and dancing with pretty girls out at the night clubs seems to help keep certain demons of loneliness and associated BS at bay. Last night wasn't successful in that regard. As I was nearing home and hoping I didn't see my W's car at the little bar near the house, I started having that familiar I've just been gut-punched by Mike Tyson feeling again. Oh, I hate that. I just starts just above my solar plexus and radiates up through my chest and then dissipates out through the base of my skull. Sometimes I feel almost ready to double over from the pain of it. I find it strange the way an emotional pain can express physically. When I woke up, I was again feeling like I've been eviscerated with a chainsaw and my guts are hanging out all shredded and yet I live.
I got everyone cleaned up and dressed and then off to church we ran. We haven't been if a few weeks. It's a very difficult thing. I enjoy going and always get something from my time even if as I sometimes do, I commune with God on other topics than the sermon. But, I get overwhelmed with emotion very easily. Plus, how would I explain to the kids if I ever truly let the emotions out? So, I play mental games with myself and I take a huge fantasy battle axe and I cut through the nerves running to my heart and as fast as they grow back, I mentally sever them again. As we were leaving, some young lady I've never met graced me with the smile. That made me feel better. At times, I'm such a validation whore.
I was feeling pretty good as I rounded up the kids to go to a picnic at the elementary school and then when I got there, it was the strangest thing. I was my old unsocial self and I felt terribly out of place. I think it was because I was completely unprepared. It was a picnic for new kindergartners and I didn't know who Faith's teacher was or even when she has class. I played with the kids some and then we left. But, it was REALLY tough seeing all the Moms and Dads there with their little ones. Whoops, more time spent fielding punches from Mikey.
I got the kids home and took a nap. Upon waking I found out that my son and the boy next door were busy using a fly swatter to kill wasps managing to anger several and Andrew got stung on the top of his head. What a way to wake up
Then, it was off to WalMart to drop way too much money on school supplies, home to realize that it was the kid's bedtime and they hadn't eaten, a quick trip to get a pizza and then off to the neighbors to see if she could watch the little kids as their older sister starts school tomorrow while they don't start until Tuesday. As I'm leaving Andrew runs up to tell me that Mommy called and it's important that she talks to me and she will call back in 2 minutes.
While I'm waiting for W to call back, my OAI is busy devising situations for which my W needs me to rescue her. As if. No, she is calling to find out what I have arranged for the kids for tomorrow etc. and to bitch at me that the kids should already be in bed and why are they eating so late and if I hadn't waited until the last minute to buy the school supplies and ... how she is the one doing all the work.
That's when I lost my cool. I started talking loudly into the phone all the while she was talking at me and neither of us was listening to the other. But, I gave her validation, she has been doing most of the work of getting the kids registered for school. In my opinion, it wasn't as much work as she proclaims. Interestingly enough, when we were done, neither of us was angry with the other as evidenced by voice tone and since I spent a lifetime reading all those signs, I'm pretty confident on that score and based on the conversations we had after that and the texts. So Jen, see, it must have something to do with the moon.
I ended up getting my Mom to come down and watch the kids and get my daughter from school and I got W used to the idea that I will drop the kids off at her house in the morning early and she will get them to school and then I will get them after school. On that note, I have a technical interview tomorrow at 4pm MST. If you are the praying type, pray. This job would be 100% working from home, or a coffee shop or wherever and would really give me the flexibility that would make dealing with the kids much easier.
So Dan, how did the interview go?? That sounds GREAT! I'm actually on a few work at home job lead sites, eventually hoping to get back to that myself. I wish more employers would join the 21st century and realize how much can be done remotely! Can't wait to hear!
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Wow Dan!!! That was a lot of stuff!!! How do you feel now, and how did your interview go?
(((Dan))) Sometimes you just need to yell.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hey there. My interview went ..... well I think. It was supposed to be a technical interview and I've never had a less technical interview. I spoke with a couple of the business people and one woman who does what I do. She asked really really simple questions that I could answer yes or no to and didn't follow up on my answers. I really don't know what is going to happen here. I would dearly love to have the job, but, I just can't figure if they were so laid back as to be nearly clueless or so on the ball that I missed things completely. I'm really leaning more toward the first option, that they liked me and were more looking for how does he fit and communicate over the phone.
As far as things with W. I feel like we live 4 states apart and we're reasonably happily married. I feel like I'm the single parent with the kids like she was while I was in Colorado and she was in Michigan. We talk about the kids and their schedules and the "how was your day" and other minutia. Yet at the same time, I know that there is a big pink elephant that I'm avoiding talking about. I haven't the foggiest idea if my W knows or suspects that I've been out every weekend for the past 6 weeks. I know that she doesn't know I've had these two interviews. Last week, she brought some food over to the house saying that there was nothing in the house for the kids to eat and her girl friend was leaving town for a few days so W raided her refrigerator. Strangely, her girl friend has no name which is a reflection of her reticence to talk about her shadow life.
I can't decide whether to be glad for how things are going or terrified. Sometimes it seems like there is no connection between us at all and other times it's like we have this easy connection except we are separated by 1200 miles which is in reality only 3 miles. I wonder is it possible that this is just a relaxing of the tension we've been living with for so many years, or, is this just "divorce light", no connection with separate lives and residences, but, shared finances.
I don't know what's up or what's going on or anything. I feel like we have no relationship, except that in some ways it feels like we have that easy familiarity and comfortable relationship that can only come from years spent together.
The only way I can describe it is like this. For 8 years, we were members of a church with definite cult like aspects. We were true believers who had THE TRUTH better than others and it was the focus of our lives. Since then, everywhere else we've been has seemed at least to me like a pale imitation compared to the dedication we gave and saw around us.
The co-dependent relationship we've had for 18 years seems like that church and what we have now seems like a pale imitation. Maybe it's possible for the pale imitation to grow into something magnificent and good and different that will eclipse what we had before, but, I suspect that a healthy relationship will always seem somewhat bland compared to an unhealthy one filled with drama.
So, I'm torn between wanting a really good and happy relationship with W where we are both safe and valued and respected and secure and having amazing adventures together all the time and wondering if such a thing is possible and thinking that perhaps the only way to have a relationship like that is to start over. I'm pretty sure that I'm smart enough to realize that nothing is that simple.
Our MC has agreed to work with me as a DB coach as well as to continue as our MC. So, I need to make an appointment there, otherwise, I don't know what to do except to keep working on being a better Dad. I'm struggling with trying to build a social life and being for all intents right now a single-parent. This SUCKS. I very much don't recommend it.
Well, that's probably enough rambling for one night.
Argh, still no word from the head hunter on the job. I hate to wait.
Because the kids have started school, W and I are playing musical responsible adults. She didn't work today so, I took the kids to school. How strange is this, the elementary school kids have to be at school at 0800 while the middle school doesn't actually start until 0840. Anyway, W picked the kids up after school and watched them until I got home. She was still at the house when I arrived. We talked a little bit about the kids and the paperwork and homework etc. Then, as she was leaving, I was hoping for a hug so I positioned myself near where she would have to walk, but, no bite. So, then she stopped next to the car and I took a step closer and broke the barrier of her personal space and she stepped back and seemed a little uncomfortable. That sucked. I know I need to not read into what happened, it's just hard sometimes. In fact, this whole thing is hard.
W left me a voice mail message asking if I had sent the forms in requesting copies of the kids' shot records for school and she did something different. In her voice mail message she said "... you got the papers while we were at the pediatricians to request their shot records. and I er, I'd be amazed, I mean it would be great if you had sent those in, but, we need to get those taken care of ...."
OH MY!! I MEAN, WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH MY WIFE? See the underlined part? That is very definitely a different behavior. When I add this little change to how on Sunday we managed to not be angry with each other even though we were yelling at each other through the phone, I start to think that it may be possible for her to change and grow.
Of course, there is a part of me that is scared S**Tless that she has flushed me out of her mind and this is just "let's be friendly because we have the rest of our lives dealing with each other because of the kids", while another part of me is quietly hopeful. I don't suppose much good comes from thinking the first way so, I'll have to be optimistic and think the second way.
Today was another wonderful day with some moments that were sparkling jewels in a day of otherwise characterized by SH*T.
I believe that the little teeny tiny bit of maybe positive change from last night's phone call has also opened the door to the angry room just a crack and a little bit slipped out. I'm damned glad it wasn't a lot, a little is too much. One friend asked me why I'm angry. Boiled down it's "I'm working my *ss off to work things out, and what about my pain dammit?"
That started this morning, so on the way to work, the stereo gets cranked to 11 and I scream along with the "music". I get to work and my ears and my throat hurt, and I'm still angry. Maybe I needed to turn the volume up to 12.
Then, I get a call from the head hunter and no, I'm not going to be working from the coffee shop any time soon. This also means that I have to figure out something for the little kids to do after school gets out at 1430 and 1530. The YMCA offers after school care for the little ones at their school. That would be $800 a month for the two of them and that doesn't take care of my oldest daughter, yeah, and I have that sitting around like I have a hole in my head.
Then, to compound things, someone forgot their phone at home and so instead of calling for goodnights stopped by the house. We didn't fight or argue. Everything was perfectly cordial and I hated it. I wanted a hug so very badly, I just don't know if asking for one is smart. I still waited by the car while W ran back into the house for something. She broke off the interaction, and I had definite needy tendencies. I hated it. I hate me for wanting anything from her, for needing anything. Why can't I have a heart of stone, of steel, one that doesn't feel?
How can I be so angry and hurting at the same time.
I'm not doing well this week. It seems like life is swinging wilder, higher highs and lower lows. I almost bought condoms the other night, you know, just in case. I didn't, but, it scares me that I was thinking about it.
There is no outlet for this fury inside. There is no outlet for the pain and emptiness inside either. Rather, there are outlets, but, the cost is too high.
Maybe I should get the docs to prescribe me a bunch of anti-depressants so I don't feel. Seems to work for W.
I am on anti-depressants, and for a while took Lunesta to sleep. I don't need the sleeping pills anymore, but I would be lost without the other meds. I was on them before all this, and cannot imagine going though this without them.
While I was at the doctor with D12 yesterday, I read this article that goes a lot with your anger. It was about a young man who had been floundering in his life. He was walking the streets of LA, and nothing was going right. He continued to walk until he came to an area where he started to scream at God why? Why is my life not going well? Why am I having such a hard time?
After he was done screaming, a small voice came to his head and said, "Are you finished now? Do you feel better?" He said at that moment, his mind was clear, and he knew what he had to do. God was not angry that he questioned, but compassionate because he rid himself of the anger and then could see.
I tried a little of that today. My Catholic upbringing makes it hard for me to question, but I did ask, Why? Why? Why me? And the answer came: this has nothing to do with you. It's not about you.
The anti-depressants don't make you not feel, it just makes it easier to deal with.
(((Dan))) You are doing a great job, and the anger is so very normal. Remember, there is a thin line between love and hate.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
D12 was telling me about her book she just finished. In the book, the Mother I think gets sick, goes away for a rest, and Dad has to tells the little one that Mom isn't ever coming home. D12 was telling me how she was surprised by the ending, the little girl goes to visit Mom's grave.
I keep myself locked down so tight just to get by, and something like this comes up and just smashes the carefully constructed edifice I've created, this life that looks so good on the outside.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're not doing too well these past few days. I really think you should talk to your Doctor about AD. They may help balance out your emotions a bit.
Take care of you!
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
