Onward but not so Upward right now

[One Day]

((((mishka)))))

What K said- be patient and regroup. You've had a super-rough time the past few weeks and it's going to tkae a little time to re-centre yourself.

How's your day going today?

L. xx

[mishka422]

It's going. That's about it.

I've decided to drop out of contact with all of the people in my life and focus solely on my son. If I concentrate hard enough on only him I won't have to figure out what the heck to do with myself.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling like the loser hanging on the outskirts of my circles of "friends". Even the single ones don't seem to want me around and I honestly don't talk about my sitch with anyone and I put on the happy happy joy joy face whenever I'm around other people. Apparently that isn't enough either.

Seriously, just tired of everything.

[karen43]

Mishka, you really have sounded depressed lately. Are you on ADs or see a C? I thought you were though? I worry about you dropping your friends b/c I did that last year and became seriously depressed. That just made me more depressed. I mean if you have friends that aren't nice or supportive now, or they stress you out, my C calls them "toxic" people, then drop those friends, but I would try to keep other friends if you can. And make new friends. I know you're busy, but you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your son!!! Karen

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mishka,
Sorry I havent been posting much, I have been reading and I'm thinking of you.

I had a thought when you said this..."I'm just sick and tired of feeling like the loser hanging on the outskirts of my circles of "friends". Even the single ones don't seem to want me around and I honestly don't talk about my sitch with anyone and I put on the happy happy joy joy face whenever I'm around other people. Apparently that isn't enough either."

I had a friend, who did what you did and to be honest, I couldnt deal with her...because she was so, not real. TO me, it was obvious she was unhappy and in pain but she was so steadfastedly refusing to show it or look at it, or be honest..well in a way it makes people back away from you, it can have a funny adverse effect. I'm not explaining this very well, but I guess I find it hard to be around people that are so obviously mask wearing. So maybe consider that, and on another level - true friendships develop when we open ourselves up to others. So maybe you are denying the chance for true friendship to blossom by holding people at arms length and not letting them see the real you.

Or..its could just be that they are a little bit selfish/self absorbed.

I guess its scary for you, but if you look at it that way, as opposed to you beig worthless, or not interesting, or whatver, I am sure that it isnt that at all, you are a vivacious and interesting person on the boards.

As for focusing on your son, well I guess thats not a bad thing in the shortterm. As for your Mum - your R with her sounds very unhealthy and its a shame you feel she sits there judging you. If she does, its about her own unhappiness and frustration at her lot and instead of taking a look at herself, she is projecting onto you.

I cant remember what happened about your C - you couldnt afford it, is that right? Are you still working for the travel agent? Can you try really hard to get a different job, maybe with better benefits?

Yuor H behaviour toward you at karate was crass and insensitive - "thanks for being so nice" what planet is he on? But then, sitting you down with OW to talk about being left by your H was beyond unbelievable, I didnt post about htat, but I was flabbergasted. Truly. I think your H is not a very self aware person and has an inability to look beyond his nose!

Well done for working hard on your new busienss, thats amazing, you should be so proud of yourself for even making a start with that, considering what you have been through.

Kalni is right (hi Kalni!) just take care of you, stay home for now if necessary,
Ali xxx

[mishka422]

Wow Ali, maybe that's it. I try so hard to not show how much pain I'm in because I felt it was wearing on people's nerves for me to just be so so. I pump myself up so much to be around people that maybe it does come across as fake. There are parts of my life that I am happy about, kind of. I draw on those as much as possible for strength and use that strength to appear joyful whenever possible. I will endeavor not to be so up in front of them. I did admit to one friend that I had spent the entire weekend two weeks ago curled up in a ball in bed because I was such a wreck over STBXH's lack of respect for me. She asked me why I didn't call her when I was feeling like that and I told her that I just couldn't bear to put that on anyone else. Now understand, this woman is going through the exact same thing. Her H walked out on her and their 3 kids, she's had to file an "unruly juvenile" charge against her 17 year old son because he got completely out of hand. He's now living with his dad who doesn't really want him there but didn't want him thrown in juvie either. Her other kids are not handling this well at all. Her middle son plays football with mine but we didn't know each other until we met at Divorce Care. She's a wonderful, smart, sweet woman and I feel so awful for her. Her sitch is so much worse than mine so I just don't feel it would be right for me to unload this crap on her.

I have another friend who unloads on me all the time and it exhausts me. She needs help but I'm not the one to give it to her but because of my boundary issues I can't seem to tell her that. That's my problem, not hers. I'm a huge empathizer but I can't form any good suggestions that could help anyone. AARRGGGHHH!!!! You would think that she would realize that and move on to unload that on someone who might actually be able to do her some good.

I have been on AD's since January but am now weaning off of them. I have to get off of them before my insurance changes as I won't be able to afford them anymore. I had to stop seeing IC because of the cost also, stopped my diet doctor for the same reason, turned off my home phone, put my son's itchy light switch finger in a vice, put him on a shower timer (ok, the timer is me standing at the door counting down to make sure he's not in there more than 5 minutes), and quit the gym. I'm sure there are plenty of other cost cutting measures I've taken but they aren't helping. If I can't move my business along soon I'm seriously going to end up living in my car or a cardboard box! Ok, maybe not quite that extreme but close.

I do find that I'm most depressed on the weekends. The stress of staying "up" all week at work and in all my other interactions makes me so exhausted that by the end of the week I'm ready to crash and burn. Sorry, you guys get the brunt of it.

One positive - FOOTBALL SEASON STARTS IN TWO WEEKS!!! My friend and I (the one whose son plays with mine) bought season tickets to the high school games right next to each other so at least I'll have some fun every Friday night. Go Panthers!

My STBX is oblivious to the pain he has inflicted. My son doesn't show any pain and seems just as happy now as he did before his dad left. I'm glad for him. I watch him like a hawk for signs of depression or agression and there are none. That's wonderful because I don't know how I would handle that and myself.

I truly want to just put STBX behind me and move forward but every interaction I have to have with him just makes it worse. I was somewhat snarky with him via text today. He had told me yesterday that he would have s13 home around 2pm. He asked when I needed him home and I told him I was just thinking that he needed to be home by no later than 6pm so he could get his stuff together for school and unwind. He said that he would be home much earlier than that because her kid had to be home by 2pm so they were going to take them to lunch and then bring them home. So, at 4pm I sent him a text asking when he was planning on having him here since he had told me 2pm. He said they were leaving in 10 minutes. All I said was ok. About 15 minutes later I get another text from him saying that he had told me he would have him here between 4p-6p. Ummmm....no, that is not what he said yesterday so I called him on it and ended the recap of his exact words with "whatever". Yeah, bitchy of me but too darned bad. I waited around here all afternoon because he said he'd be here by 2pm. He said he would be here in 20 minutes and I didn't answer anything back to him. GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

[mishka422]

GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR....the man is going to drive me into insanity and I swear he's doing it on purpose. I just got a text from him at 11:15p that says,

"Sorry if I got Marc back later than you expected. Next time if you want him back at a specific time let me know. Thanx."

WTH???? He told me what time he was bringing him home so that was when I expected him. Shouldn't he be the one to follow what he said? I wasn't specific because he was. I am sitting on my hands right now not responding to him. I'm thinking I'll let him think I'm asleep and just ignore it. What do you think? I don't want this precedent set.

[JenInVen]

Hi, I'm think you should let it go and next time S is out with his dad then make it insanely clear before he takes him what time he's expected back. Can you also let S know what time his dad is expected to bring him home?

It's so tempting to get into the convo with your H but where will it get you? I think to respond might be a cheeseless tunnel.

[mishka422]

Probably right Jen. He's never listened to me before and makes up whatever he wanted to hear anyway. Cheeseless tunnel is right. He's never going to change and I should know that after all of these years. It's just more irritating now.

Thanks!

[LolaL]

Just ignore him Sweetie. He is being pissy and trying to get you to argue with him. Do not give him the satisfaction!!! Its about keeping your self respect, so don't give him a reason to take that away! It will only make you mad, stressed out. Breath, come on, in through the nose, out through the mouth...

As for your friends, I can certainly sympathize. We have so much going on right now that trying to take on the issues of everyone else is just overburdening yourself. It is exhausting. So now is the time for you to give your brain a rest. If you see someone calling that you know is going to complain, don't answer the phone. I have made great strides in shutting the ringer off. It helps, because I always feel as if my phone rings, I am obligated to answer it. Now, if I dont hear anything, that is a different story!!!

[JenInVen]

You can gently nudge him but you can't make him change...think of leading a horse to water. Also if you respond he's going to think YOU'RE never going to change.

Can you get your S involved in the drop off off time...he's 13 right so maybe in some small way you can give him a little more responsibility in this???