Long Walk Home on the Lake Erie Shore

[sandi2]

Part of it, i wonder, is if i'm really still mad at her for leaving. and that that's preventing me from putting these things into practice....

That would make sense to me. I'm sure that it takes a H a long time to get over that. Not only does it hurt the R but it hurts his ego, self confidence, etc.

so i'm not sure if i'm frustrated with myself or her. Probably a little bit of both. It's like i set this deadline for myself (end of this summer) to improve my sitch to the point where we would be together. when in reality, that wasn't what I needed to do.

That is why I tell people never place a "calendar date" on your stitch. Very seldom have I ever seen anything fall into place with a calendar.....in fact, right now, I can't think of anything. But where broken R are concerned.....forget it, you are setting yourself up for disappointment....and even anger.

she said in her email.. "i can't return the feeling" This, i think, bugs me the most. SImply because she CAN return the feeling. She's choosing not to. Why? because of everything that i mentioned in an earlier post on this thread. It's just frustrating........

How can you be so sure of what she can or can't do? B/c it is you? Listen, in all fairness to your W, I have to tell you that I have been there so many times I could not begin to count them. Yes, I would want to return the feelings that my H had toward me sexually, or otherwise, but it was like my heart would freeze up inside of me and I just could not return what he wanted. I just got through writing one poster about this same subject of love being a "choice". I think that the type of love between a man and woman is full of feelings and emotion and that is why it gets so complicated. If we could just "choose" and then act on that choice like I've read so many people say on this board and in books, then there would not be the problems out there that we see. It is usually the man that can't accept the fact that his wife cannot return the love, and he thinks it is simply b/c she doesn't want to. If she is "resisting" feeling the love in her heart.....that is one thing, but if she is trying really hard...but can't feel it there....then that is quite hard to do. Do you want her to react to you like a robot that just does the actions on command and not have the true feelings and emotions that should be there?

She doesn't want to let down her guard with me and love me again, because she is in self protection mode. I think the love is still there, maybe just muted and pushed to the back burner because the pain is the most prevalent feeling she has right now.

This is a quote from another poster and again we see a H who doesn't want to accept the fact that his W might not actually feel love for him anymore. I'm not saying that she does or doesn't. I will say that the rest of that quote makes a lot of sense. A woman will build a high wall of defense around her when she has been hurt badly enough and that wall has to come down before she will begin to "feel" the love again and be able to return it. I just believe there is more involved than just "choosing" to love a person. This is not a act of "stubborness", she is in pain and/or protecting herself, or maybe she has lost those emotions! Perhaps she truly wants to feel that love once again, but it just isn't happening for her. Again, had you rather her act like a robot?

That is why I try to tell couples that it will take more time than they dreamed it would take to completely get through the healing process and the M restored. There are no quick rememdies or solutions. You are dealing with human emotions here and that is delicate territory. I'm not saying that YOU do this, but a lot of men get all sulled b/c their W will not respond to them the way they want and that is the worst thing you could do. It turns a W off more than any man could imagine! So, for goodness sake, don't let her see that in you b/c it will set everything backward that much farther. Women are very complicated and I find it funny that it was a man that wrote book "Love is a Decision" I think I will write a book "Love is Complicated"....lol.

Take care,
Sandi