I still do want to fight for my marriage. Right now I need some time and space to gather myself up. I did text her and that did get a pretty big reaction from her. I will post it later. Right now I am still at work.
I reread the last post and it did come on pretty strong. It was more of knowing that I can get by without her, I just don't want to.
Any good ideas on how to go about laying out boundries in a loving way. I do want to save my marriage so any suggestions would be helpful.
Last edited by yenko69; 08/17/0810:06 PM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Take a break Yenk. Give your mind a rest. Its okay to say when you have had enough, and a break and rest on your mind is required. That way, you can focus on what you need to do.
I believe DR has some great suggestions, but I think it is different for everyone. For me, going dim, not dark, was the best solution. Making sure my H knows that I understand how he feels and why is good, but I needed to learn to say it in a way that portrayed to him that I did understand without overwhelming him. Look at things from her eyes. Its not real pretty, but look at you through her eyes, and then try to think what she would like to see different, and if that is something you are willing to do.
Your sitch is really hard, because there is an OM. But remember, jumping from one relationship to another does not solve problems, and your W will see that. You have to give her the ability to make her own mistakes. You cannot save her, you cannot correct her. You can just let her come to her own conclusions.
Pray. A LOT. I recommend Stormie OMartian's books, because she has taught me to pray in a way I never though possible. Most importantly, though, is listen. This may sound cliche, but with God all things are possible. You just have to have faith and believe. And remember...there is a lesson to be learned in everything. Find out what the lesson is.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
You are right, I do need a break. Sometimes just winding down from work is hard enough. Right now I don't want to talk with her anymore. That will change soon when I have recharged.
-Your sitch is really hard, because there is an OM. But remember, jumping from one relationship to another does not solve problems, and your W will see that. You have to give her the ability to make her own mistakes. You cannot save her, you cannot correct her. You can just let her come to her own conclusions.-
That is true. I came to that realization awhile back. Just tough sometimes to see someone you love so messed up and realize the fall she will probably take. Hopefully it will not be to late to give her a hand up.
Last edited by yenko69; 08/17/0811:21 PM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
It is hard. It is instinctive with the ones we love that we want to proverbially kiss the boo boo. But some boo boos are just too big to kiss, and they have to heal on their own. And in the meantime, they hurt a lot, and the hurt the others around them.
Its okay to take a breather, and not talk to her for a while. You need to rest.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well here goes the texting convo. Not so good on my part about some things, but live and learn.
M: won't be over tonight, have D11 leave out some clothes for tomorrow night thanks (working over there tom, D11 staying with me tomorrow night) W: Why? whats up? M: something came up leave a note with what needs to be done work on it tomorrow W: What came up? (4min later) So, not gonna tell me? I've been honest with u. I think I deserve the same respect. M: was driving, personal issue W: Just tell me. regardless I will always be here for you and always care for you. Do you want me to start shutting you out. M: later, got some things on my mind W: do you want to talk? M: will later, thanks though W: are you going to call Janet (IC) or is someone else helping you out with your issues M: Not that bad W: Don't worry about it. I'll take care of what needs to be done thanks though. do you want your apartment key back M: no, keep the key
That was it. The reason I was going over was to help her get things organized. A detective is coming over tues to photograph and diagram the house. SD16 was raped in her room and they needed the layout of the house.
W then called me a couple hours later wondering if I knew where something was. She was really upset and sounded on the verge of tears. Told her no, she said thanks and hung up.
Called again a few minutes ago and asked what time the detective was coming. Setting up the time tomorrow. She said thanks, told her your welcome and she hung up. Weird tone this time, can't quite place it.
I know one thing, quit answering the phone. I just get paranoid one of the girls are having a problem. Problem with cop work, you see more bad then good.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
-its okay to take a breather, and not talk to her for a while. You need to rest.-
Need to find a good way to tell her that. She has bad abandonment issues and self-esteem issues. Bad relationships and some sexual abuse as a kid. That is kind of hard to balance sometimes. She is good at turning things around to make it her fault. I hope IC helps her quit with the victim mentality.
Last edited by yenko69; 08/17/0811:51 PM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
For me, my wife was still living in our house, so my boundaries were:
- no calling or texting OM from inside our home;
- no calling or seeing OM in front of the kids;
- I can no longer pay for your cellphone, when you are using it to conduct your affair. I will also not pay for make-up, VS lingerie, hair coloring or that portion of your Visa bill which was your tummy tuck, as these are all things that you are using to make yourself more attractive for someone other than your husband.
- be civil and respectful when we argue. If one of us got to loud, or rude, we'd end the conversation.
Boundaries are NOT about control. Boundaries are about YOU, not about the other person. Example:
Control: You cannot see anyone else while we're still married. Boundary: I cannot remain in a marriage when there is a third person in it.
Control: I forbid you to text message your boyfriend from inside of our home. Boundary: I cannot have you TM him in front of him, or call him from inside of our home. That's incredibly disrespectful to me, our marriage, and our family.
Yeah, I see what you are saying. We don't live together but I think some of it will work.
Some of mine would be: don't talk to him in front of me, have him at the house, cellphone plan split, put the home phone in her name, split up our finances and being civil and disrespectful when there is an argument.
What did you use as consequences if she broke those. The going to the house would be kind of hard. I see where the rest are.
-Control: You cannot see anyone else while we're still married. Boundary: I cannot remain in a marriage when there is a third person in it.
I see where you are going with this. It is tempting since I do live in a black and white world.
Last edited by yenko69; 08/18/0812:15 AM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Try and have a peaceful night and guess what happens get 4 calls on my personal cell, one on my work cell, two on the apartment number and 4 text messages. Four voice mails between my cell and number here.
When I finally answered I was a liar and someone else was here. Even when I said I was watching a movie, I was not a very good liar. WTF, she spends the night with some OM and she has the flippin nerve to jump me about my life.
txt messages
w: do us still want d11 tomarrow or is there something else ud rather do? W: why do u feel the need 2 [censored] lie 2 m3. If you don't call me 2nite D11 is not staying wit u W: guess you are no different then the rest huh! I really thought ud b different. I guess im the fool once again. Thanks 4 nothing. W: Quit ignoring me!
My txt back who are u really hurting me or D11. u three are the most important just need some time right now still want D11 tomorrow never will I hold back from u just need to think right now
But that was 35 min after she started calling and texting. So again I was a liar when I finally answered the phone. Got tired of all three ringing.
On the phone I was still a liar and had someone else here. That I was not a good liar ect. It did calm down after a little while. I will make my case better when I have not so many beers and more sleep. Seemed a bad idea to do it when I was talking to W. half drunk and tired. That and I hate my integrity questioned. One thing I have always learned was that your word was your bond and not to go back on it.
I know that there is a multitude of people on here who would be thrilled of there wife's jealousy. You never know until you walk in someone's shoes how things will effect you. Just all take of yourselves and deal with what you have. Just as the grass in not always greener, nor is any sitch any greener.
Last edited by yenko69; 08/18/0803:32 AM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Yeah, I see what you are saying. We don't live together but I think some of it will work.
Some of mine would be: don't talk to him in front of me, have him at the house, cellphone plan split, put the home phone in her name, split up our finances and being civil and disrespectful when there is an argument.
What did you use as consequences if she broke those. The going to the house would be kind of hard. I see where the rest are.
Yenko,
The financial stuff, I controlled, since I had a separate bank account set up, had my paycheck direct deposited to it, and then only transferred over enough money for her and the kids' needs. I earn 98% of our family's income, so that one was pretty easy.
I don't remember her trying to violate any of the boundaries, since I set them very early and forcefully. I seem to recall one phone call in our bedroom, with the door closed, one evening. I knocked on the door, walked in, and said "I hope that's not your boyfriend. That would be incredibly disrespectful." She said "I gotta go," never denied it, never said anything further, and I never had a problem with it. I supposed if I had, I would have said something like this to her: "Look, I'm trying to get thru this, and I really haven't insisted on much. But as a matter of personal integrity, I cannot live in my own house with my wife texting another man right in front of me. I've asked you to respect that boundary, and you've already broken it. I really don't want to bring it up again." or something similar.
When you say "cellphone plan split," do you mean she pays entirely for her half, and you pay entirely for yours?
