After I told my sister about the scuba diving image, she suggested that I was flailing about, trying this and that thing to try and make sense of what was going on. With no answers, I just keep thrashing. "Let go of it all, give it over." was her response. A drowning victim can't be saved until they stop thrashing. Only then can people come in and help them. Just let go. I have great friends, a wonderful therapist, incredible family and very good lawyer. I can let go and trust in my safety net.
It made sense. It helps in dealing with my daughter's sadness. Her tears are a good thing, acting as a catalyst for her sorrow to come pouring out.. whether it's from a sense of abandonment, loss of the ratties or family, or just teenage hormones. I'm here for her.. not to fix it (which is what I had done when I felt powerless over her pain), I'm not going anywhere.
I'm letting go of the marriage, the guy, the stuff. When I told my sister about my concern that I don't know how to have fun, she tsk'd, laughing that she does the same thing. For us, 'fun' symbolizes the epitome of the best Christmas with firewords on top of it. Fun doesn't have to be massive. Fun is the moments found. Fun is writing here, hugging my daughter, walking barefoot in grass, feeling great after a shower. Fun is what brings a smile.
A friend told me to pick three things to give myself when the divorce is finalized.. three things I wouldn't normally do for myself. I've come up with two.. and am still thinking about a third.
Feeling better but still eating crap... one thing at a time.
