Onward but not so Upward right now

[mishka422]

Wow Ali, maybe that's it. I try so hard to not show how much pain I'm in because I felt it was wearing on people's nerves for me to just be so so. I pump myself up so much to be around people that maybe it does come across as fake. There are parts of my life that I am happy about, kind of. I draw on those as much as possible for strength and use that strength to appear joyful whenever possible. I will endeavor not to be so up in front of them. I did admit to one friend that I had spent the entire weekend two weeks ago curled up in a ball in bed because I was such a wreck over STBXH's lack of respect for me. She asked me why I didn't call her when I was feeling like that and I told her that I just couldn't bear to put that on anyone else. Now understand, this woman is going through the exact same thing. Her H walked out on her and their 3 kids, she's had to file an "unruly juvenile" charge against her 17 year old son because he got completely out of hand. He's now living with his dad who doesn't really want him there but didn't want him thrown in juvie either. Her other kids are not handling this well at all. Her middle son plays football with mine but we didn't know each other until we met at Divorce Care. She's a wonderful, smart, sweet woman and I feel so awful for her. Her sitch is so much worse than mine so I just don't feel it would be right for me to unload this crap on her.

I have another friend who unloads on me all the time and it exhausts me. She needs help but I'm not the one to give it to her but because of my boundary issues I can't seem to tell her that. That's my problem, not hers. I'm a huge empathizer but I can't form any good suggestions that could help anyone. AARRGGGHHH!!!! You would think that she would realize that and move on to unload that on someone who might actually be able to do her some good.

I have been on AD's since January but am now weaning off of them. I have to get off of them before my insurance changes as I won't be able to afford them anymore. I had to stop seeing IC because of the cost also, stopped my diet doctor for the same reason, turned off my home phone, put my son's itchy light switch finger in a vice, put him on a shower timer (ok, the timer is me standing at the door counting down to make sure he's not in there more than 5 minutes), and quit the gym. I'm sure there are plenty of other cost cutting measures I've taken but they aren't helping. If I can't move my business along soon I'm seriously going to end up living in my car or a cardboard box! Ok, maybe not quite that extreme but close.

I do find that I'm most depressed on the weekends. The stress of staying "up" all week at work and in all my other interactions makes me so exhausted that by the end of the week I'm ready to crash and burn. Sorry, you guys get the brunt of it.

One positive - FOOTBALL SEASON STARTS IN TWO WEEKS!!! My friend and I (the one whose son plays with mine) bought season tickets to the high school games right next to each other so at least I'll have some fun every Friday night. Go Panthers!

My STBX is oblivious to the pain he has inflicted. My son doesn't show any pain and seems just as happy now as he did before his dad left. I'm glad for him. I watch him like a hawk for signs of depression or agression and there are none. That's wonderful because I don't know how I would handle that and myself.

I truly want to just put STBX behind me and move forward but every interaction I have to have with him just makes it worse. I was somewhat snarky with him via text today. He had told me yesterday that he would have s13 home around 2pm. He asked when I needed him home and I told him I was just thinking that he needed to be home by no later than 6pm so he could get his stuff together for school and unwind. He said that he would be home much earlier than that because her kid had to be home by 2pm so they were going to take them to lunch and then bring them home. So, at 4pm I sent him a text asking when he was planning on having him here since he had told me 2pm. He said they were leaving in 10 minutes. All I said was ok. About 15 minutes later I get another text from him saying that he had told me he would have him here between 4p-6p. Ummmm....no, that is not what he said yesterday so I called him on it and ended the recap of his exact words with "whatever". Yeah, bitchy of me but too darned bad. I waited around here all afternoon because he said he'd be here by 2pm. He said he would be here in 20 minutes and I didn't answer anything back to him. GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!