Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

Heya-
I thought Tropic Thunder was hysterical and recommend it.

Sorry this is gonna be long and you'll probably get a headache from slapping your forhead and splinters from the 2x4 you're gonna be swinging at me.

Sooooo, last night for the first time in AGES, H called and spontaneously asked me to hang out. I think the last time we had a spontaneous hangout(not planned a few days+ in advance) would be in April'ish. It was gorgeous out last night (low 70's, moonlit) so when he got here I asked if he wanted to go for a walk and he said he was thinking we should go the local bar on the lake and listen to music, have drinks and then walk by the lake.

So, we popped over there (it's a 5 minute drive from my house) and as we came in, I saw a guy I sold a house to that is currently getting a D and he has been contacting me to determine an approx house value....well, that and something else. (I'll get to that.)

I introduced him to my H and he introduced me to his date. We chatted about houses values in his neighborhood for a second and then we parted ways. H and I go outside and sit at a table; lakes looks great with the lights shimmering on it; super nice night. He asks how I know that guy. (Back story, I had a couple drinks before we left my house so my tongue was loose.) I explain that I sold a house to him *and* that he contacted me when he saw my profile on Yahoo and asked me out. My H says "oh, good for you! Gettin' some play! [taps me on the nose] Yeah, that's good for you; you can get any guy you want." and I say "Yeah, except for my husband." He said "you don't know that." (well, that was a positive.)

I can see this is getting too long because of the narrative- I'll just do the bullet points

*I said that this "getting some play" thing was of no benefit to me. It's like eyeballing prime rib and then the waitress brings you liver or raw oysters and you still want prime rib. He loved being called prime rib and then asked WHY I love him so much. I went ahead and answered him. (I know, I know-stupid.)

*I said "must be so nice to know you are so loved" and he said "AND, it must be nice for YOU to know that YOU are so loved." I say "I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't seem like you do." H "C'mon, baby. You know I love you... I love you." Me "yeah, well, it's obvious I love you more. I am crystal clear on my position and you're not." (We are sort of competitive with eachother and what started out as a competition statement ended up not where I wanted. Well, the whole thing ended up not where I wanted.) H "ok, so you love me more." (whoops! dummy!)

*He asked if I was surprised he called-I said I was. He said he was too and he was glad he called. (He reached across the table often for my hand, would kiss it, squeeze it, etc, so that was nice.)

*He told me I'm the 'whole package' and 'awesome'

*I got an ILY (a real ILY; not one of those "you know ILYs") when we went out on the dock and kissed
*Heh-he *also* said I was a 'doofus' and that's why he loves me. I never got why I am a doofus, but he means it in a nice way.

*He talked about his work and some changes coming down the pike; one of his reasons for maybe making a certain choice is the option to move elsewhere-like San Fran, San Jose, Florida-practically anywhere. When I asked how serious he was about that, he said he just liked having the option. So I mentioned considering moving to Colorado and he said "Really?" I said I had researched some real estate and he said "yeah, but you were't serious. You won't move." (BIG smile on his face.) I said "Maybe I would. Sounds like you wouldn't give a rats a$$ if I did." and he said "Of course I'd care, but I will love always love you no matter where you live. And you'll always love me."

*He acknowledged that he can't seem to resist me; he's not sure why he tries to; he is tormented because he doesn't know what to do about us.

*I told him that my next move was going to be back in the house (and he laughed and said "ya think so, huh?") and that this can't continue on forever. He said he knows that.

*I said that when we got married I made a promise to love him even when I don't feel like it. He said he hoped that wasn't all there was too it. I said of course not, BUT there are times when I am angry and ready to throw in the towel and that is part of what stops me-I made a vow. That sometimes love really is a choice. And a choice not to focus on the negatives but to find positives and build on that. I said I was standing in the gap, but that I *am* getting really tired. I can't do this alone and he needs to step up to the plate.

*He had sorta warned me yesterday morning that today (Sunday) he might actually want to go mountain biking with his guy friends. So he confirmed that he wanted to do that, but suggested that I go get food from the local farmers market and he would come over tonight or Monday night. I gave him an BIG eye roll and said as sarcastically as possible "OH! lucky me. His Highness might grace me with his presence either Sunday OR Monday night. I shall wait with baited breath to see if I shall be lucky enough to get to cook my sire a meal...[insert pointed look from me][voice tone change] um, yeah. You better know that I'm running out of understanding for you and I'm about to take your crown away." And he says "I keep waiting patiently for you to do that" and I said "OR you could just be a man and step up to the plate and do the right thing." He laughed and said "now there's an idea" more laughing on his part and I laughed along and said "yeah, "be a man" that's a good one." more laughing.
(This was all done with good humor and laughing- when I did the "your highness" speech, he was laughing the whole time.)
After that, he did say that he figured Monday would be better (probably gonna be too tired after biking) and that we can make the meal together and study Spanish.

*When we ML, he was more like the "old" him (pre our return from Costa Rica) with lots of compliments, ILYs, tenderness and sweetness.

Something I noticed- I had let my pedicure 'go' and also my manicure. Also hadn't gotten any new clothes for awhile. Well, this week I got a couple new shirts and freshened my pedi and mani. He commented positively and seems to have warmed up a little. I need to keep up on these things better. Ok, I'll admit it- sometimes I *don't* do these things because I am being passive agressive.

I did mention retro at one point and he scoffed and snorted. Oooookaaaayyyy, I guess *that's* not something he wants to do. *sigh*

I feel like I will need to do something to figure out what we are doing fairly soon. If I *do* say we need a break to clear our heads, I need to give him enough time to (hopefully) figure it out before I have to sht or get off the pot with the house I am in. And, if I move back to my old house, it's gonna have to be forever because I am not sure that I will ever find another house I love like this one that will do owner financing.

The Julie Pillow idea is cute (and probably a good idea for someone like me who is no good at lying.) But what happens if you reconcile with your spouse and they say "hey, when do I meet Julie?" Are you supposed to say "Julie's my pillow"?

So, last night was totally the OPPOSITE of all advice given. Even so, I don't regret saying 'yes' because I think that it is good to be *totally* spontaneous and it felt romantic, like what you do when you are dating someone. Not disrespectful.

Ugh. I know, he handed it to me on a silver platter, didn't he? Stop being so good to him. I think a good portion of that, though, is guilt driven so that he doesn't have to feel like a jerk. Not that it would change his behavior, just that he wouldn't feel bad about it.
I don't know. He doesn't seem to 'fit' like the other WASs.

I know I am beating a dead horse, but *why* are we not all the way together??? We enjoy eachother's company, we have a great time together, we love one another, have an active sex life, we still kiss eachother like we did 13.5 years ago. When we used to make things together, we did a great job. (Christmas presents, projects around the house.) We enjoy most of the same things. We are both complimentary of the other. We are "best friends". WTH?????????

Good God that was long. Sorry.