I think i loved you from the first moment i saw you. I've always thought you were incredibly special and capable of so much. I fell in love with the soft person that you are just as you fell in love with the vulnerable strong person that i am.
I vowed at some stage (not sure if it was to myself or to you) that i would always love you and do all i could to allow you to be as happy and fullfilled as possible.
Life and events and my perception of life got the better of me and that vow just seemed to spiral away. I've realised I was in constant fear of letting my family down and not being able to provide for them (remember the 100's of CV's i sent when you were pregnant). I didn't know then how else to contribute. I have been terrified of not being good enough for a long time. I think i became negative towards you because you had no realisation of my fear but how could you if i didn't tell you ?
I hate it that you felt controlled by me - it is the absolute opposite of what i wanted to you to feel. Given the chance I would spend the rest of my life showing you that i am not that person.
I feel my mistakes in not allowing someone i care about to be as happy as i could. They are my regrets and failures to accept and I have taken responsibility for my actions which have contributed to the situation we are now in. I have relived almost every day of our time together and yeah i know what i was like to be around. That person will never be here again.
You have your demons, i know, but they are yours.
I understand how you could loose the feeling of being in love with me and why you had to tell me you were leaving.
You, who saw me as being golden when we met, saw me change and you have seen that person since then.
Two people who have spent so long with each other looked into each others souls and finally saw each other.
The connection, the spiral love cuddles, the conversation, the support, the kissing, the love making - all amazing. We finally got it right
I felt your confusion and then you said you still had to leave.
We seemed to have so much going for us, we miss each other, we're connected, we care for each other and we love and understand each other.
The feeling of being in love can and does come back. It's a choice to allow yourself to love me again. You are the most emotionally intelligent person i have ever known and you can do anything. Time, effort , forgiveness of the hurt I've caused you and trust that i would always treat you as the soft poet that sometimes needs a quiet dark place. Imagine how wonderful it would be if I'm right - imagine the feeling of love, together with the understanding that we have.
You and I can have whatever life we want - I want to live my life with my wife and family
Anyhow - I can't change your mind - all i can do is tell you how i feel.
Tell me why i shouldn't send it. I kind of figure i have absolutely nothing to loose. She seems to be totally gone with other R. It gets the idea of sending a mail off my mind
