Well.. things were busy today. I got the older boys.. 22 and 18 to take some things to the dump and told them I needed their help in clearing out things in case we put the house on the market. I didn't push for a huge haul, just enough where they got to flex their muscle and be manly men.
My daughter has had two adorable pet rats or 'ratties' as pet owners call them. To be happy they should be let out on a daily basis. With our dog being strange, taking them out was difficult. They ended staying in their roomy cage. We'd trained them to be shoulder rats. They would just hang out on my shoulder looking at the world, like a parrot only not as colorful and with a funky tail.
She said she wasn't really interested in them any more. I suggested giving them to a Christian pet store (so they wouldn't be snake snacks). She called to see if it was viable but then she had second thoughts. If she was willing to care for the ratties then they could stay here. If not, it was time for a better home. I waited several days, but her interest in caring for the ratties wasn't there.
Today she made an appointment to drop them off. Before leaving we played with them for over an hour then took them to the pet store. It was very tearful and she was a wreck all day long. "I love my ratties but we're not a good home for them." "How do we know they'll be in a good home?" "What if they're separated?" "Why is it so hard for me to let go?" "I want my ratties back."
I tried to DB.. validate and listen. She kept crying. I stayed quiet. She kept crying. I talked about how sad it was for me to say goodbye. I felt reassured by the woman who raised ratties, that she understood and would care for them. She kept crying. She talked about how much she loved them. "Loving the ratties means caring for their well being, too." was my motherly advice.
As I was talking to her, I saw myself as a rattie that my spouse no longer cared for. The 'I love you but don't want to deal with your sh*t anymore, be involved or take care of you.' Just stay in the cage, I'll feed you until that gets to be too much. I started getting anxious that giving the ratties away was sending the wrong signal to my daughter about relationships.
I worried that giving the ratties away, losing them became a channel for her anguish and pain of the divorce, all the changes with her dad no longer here, a mom who no longer talks to him, to a different life.
Then I started to breathe deeply and calm down. His words still swirled.. "I played golf all the time because I didn't want to be around you." My translation.. "I stayed away from you because I wanted to be with someone else." His mantra, "We had a bad marriage." My translation, "I found something better and I don't have to deal with the emotional conflict." Then I flushed the mental diarrhea and focused on being centered, in the now.
We went to the Stew Leonard's, the World's Largest Dairy Store... which has phenomenal food. The kids love the chicken breasts, saying that we when cook it, it's fluffy. That kept her occupied. Once we got home and she was looping, I went.. "Ah HA!" and sent her off to do some physical labor to see if that helped, which it did.
Anyway.. it's late.. my posts are too long.
I am getting unstuck from this man. I feel like I've been scuba diving so deep that I have to slowly go to the surface. Go too fast and you get the bends. Dawdle too long and you run out of oxygen. Either option can create a sense of panic if I don't remain calm.
I have to get back to the WTS free day, reading my list from Forrest and focusing on me. Just do.
