When are you going to step off the merry go round?? He bites, you bite back. He bites again, you bite back again and over and over and over. It’s a vicious cycle unless one of you says, “ENOUGH” and steps off. Somebody has to make the first move to back away from the crazy dynamic and you can dang sure bet it’s not going to be him.
Stepping back does not mean being a doormat. If you guys can’t agree on child scheduling then get a lawyer or a mediator involved to help. Don’t tell him you’ll agree to “anything he says” . He may just come one day and say he’s taking the kids and YOU get to see them every other weekend while he has them full time. (not likely, but NEVER say you’ll agree to whatever they say, that could seriously bite you in the butt) – then what will you do?? You’ve already told him you’ll agree to whatever he wants.
You can be nice, but firm at the same time. You can compromise with him on the kids and do what is best for THEM without being a b!tch. It takes detachment. Removing your emotional reactions from the situation. Stepping back, taking a deep breath and approaching situations logically and calmly without letting your emotions rule your brain. If you feel you must continue writing these emails then set up a “fake” email account on hotmail or something. Give it your H’s name or some nickname you call him. Write the emails and then send them to that account, not to your actual H. Lose the password to that account and never go there. Pretend like you can’t access it and just let them sit there. You’ve sent them, you’ve gotten it off your chest, but there is no damage done.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Well, to make things even more confusing.........I did get a reply today. It was an apology, and he answered the question I posed in my emotional e-mail ("Do you love her?? Do you want to marry her and raise her children??"). The answer, "I do not love her. I do not want to raise her children, and the feeling is mutual." This is the first, the very first acknowledgement from him that the OW is in the picture. I don't know what this really means for sure, if anything. But, it does give me fuel to get busy with DB, GAL, etc..............
I know about the merry go round, and I promised myself I would not get on it yesterday, but did anyway. Starting over today.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Don't give up on me. I know I've messed up. I know I have a lot of work to do. I'm re-focusing on DB and starting over today. I know I can't do anything for H. I have known that for a long time. Detaching has just been impossible. I really think the events of the last couple days have helped though.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
One year past the turning point. I have called this the "bomb" date since I came here, but really that is wrong. 8/15/06 was the day I accused H of having an affair-----an affair that he flatly denied. Although I continued to suspect OW, I spent a good portion of a year and a half blaming myself for everything, and for the ultimate bottoming out of our relationship. And guess what, H let me. He let me tear myself up, and cut myself down------because I accused him of something he would NEVER do and had never thought of. Never say never----and now that I know I was right the whole time I wish I could give him the boot and move on, however the heart is a strange organ. All of this pain and I still can't bare to think of losing him. I can't bare to think that our family will be broken forever.
I truly believe that H is ill----this MLC crap is a chronic illness. If only we could treat it like any other................I don't know the prognosis yet, but I'm still standing, and giving DB another chance. I declared that I am starting over with DB (effective yesterday). I thought that magical anniversary was today, but now that I know it was really yesterday (read it on my own sig)-------------it must be fate.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
di, take your focus off the past and get over being bitter about H letting you take the blame. It will consume you and you become bitter about life.
You knew all along there was an ow and wanted to believe your H. He lied. You believed. You can't change the fact that you wanted to believe. Stop now thinking about that.
Work on who you are now. Start today to be a better person physically and emotionally. Make some jewelry. Love yourself.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW - I know I may sound bitter about H letting me take the blame, but I really am not. I have let that go. I just needed to write it. I knew all along that I was right, in my gut, like you said. In a way all that blaming of myself was a way to avoid the truth, and I know that. In a strange twisted sort of way, I also know why H let me do it.
The past is the past. I've been thinking a lot lately about not even wanting him back unless he can commit to making serious changes in how we communicate. I don't know how I could ever trust him again if he didn't. This realization is helping me take the focus off of him, just a little. I have a long way to go.
I wish I knew who I was. I wish I knew what I wanted out of life, for me. As for now, I have no idea, but I do have a bracelt that just came out of the polisher that I need to finish.........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I just wanted to bring up the dialogue from the other thread to here. Hope that's ok.
You know, it isn't about what made you happy pre-H. Obviously, that was a long time ago. It is about what makes you happy NOW. OK, so your pat answer is "My H and my family make me happy." Sweetie, that just isn't enough. Can you imagine the pressure that puts on your H? He is responsible for YOUR happiness? No one could measure up to that.
I read thru this whole thread. Man, you have got to be still. The emails, the "demanding to talk" stuff...you are going to push him further and further away.
I know- I did the same stuff.
I ended up divorced. Finallly I was able to stop trying to fix things- I could stop second guessing my every move. I went back to school, I reconnected with friends. I stopped wearing my hair the way he liked it and found my own likes. This all seems counter-productive to building a relationship with him, right?
Nope.
Guess who I am going out with tonight?
The pressure is off him. He doesn't have to feel like a failure all the time because I am not happy. (He actually told me that I made him feel this way). I am happy on my own. I guess he finds this refreshing and exciting and just what he wanted.
And yes, this was my high school sweetheart, too. So, no, I didn't know what made me happy pre-H, either. Who cares? It wouldn't be the same now, anyway. I am just trying to show you that I can relate to this. I am not coming out of left field here.
In reading your thread, I was struck by one thought. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to make it any "softer," and I really don't want to hurt you, but I will just say it....
I would stay far away if I were your H, too. The guilt and pressure that you are throwing on him is out of control. I am not saying that he is right in what he is doing. He's not. But it is what it is (sorry, I really do hate that expression) and you are not going to change things with the tactics you are using.
Between your thread and Wifeys, I see so much of my old self. So, sorry if I come off harsh. I just hate that old me. I want to spare you the pain that comes with it.
You just sound so bitter and um, entitled. I used to be that way, too. Like I said, it got me a divorce. You can still find your way out of this. The best way is by letting your H figure out his own stuff without you telling him what he should be thinking about. Let him go. There are no magic words that will bring him back- so stop searching for a new way to say the same old things. You've said them all. Let him be.
Well, I went with my daughter and a friend and had a pedicure.........now how in the hell do I find out what will give me the happiness I thought I could only have with H?
I hear you on all the guilt trips, and trying to get him to talk. I'm done. I'm not as bitter as it seems I am here, I really am not. I really don't think I'm putting much pressure on him either-----I wanted him to acknowledge OW, and he finally has in a way.
I know I will not change anything with the way I am now. I know that what I am writing to him will not do one damn thing----but some of that I needed to say to him---for ME. I had to let him know that he was asking too much of me to ignore the fact that OW exists. I don't expect him to appreciate it. I don't expect him to change one thing after reading what I wrote. I know it is anti-DB and the wrong way to handle the MLC'er, but I had to do it for me. I also believe that every situation is different, and every couple is different, and some of the things I've written had to be said. I'm done now, barring any other insanity. I get it. "Just doing it," and all that it entails will be the chore ahead.
I also know that I have to GAL, I have to let go of H for ME. I have to do this to become a better person, for me. I know I'm a pathetic 43 year old house wife----why would H want to be with me? Now, the lies, the betrayal the affair.............I'm sorry I don't deserve that, nobody does----and I'm done putting all the blame on myself. I've done that for 2 years, and look where that's gotten me. Nowhere, plus 30 pounds. I've thought a lot this week about why I would want him back after what he's done to me..............I am making progress. I do know what I have to do. I do know what I have to STOP doing.
I joined the Y for my birthday. I plan to go as often as possible when the kids go back to school Monday. I'm making my jewelry, I'm doing more with friends, I'm reading more.
What throws me back into that bad pattern is the battling over the number of minutes we each get to "have" OUR kids. I'm done with that too. I hate it. I hate the arrangement I've agreed to, but I'm done. In the end, they're the ones that get shorted, and THAT'S not fair.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I also just wanted to add that in the beginning of all of this during my massive effort to examine myself and what my role in all of this is, I admitted to H that I expected him to make me happy. I apologized to him for being this way. I told him how unfair it was-----and I do believe this. I know how wrong that was. I am searching for ways to make myself happy without H, it's just not as easy as a lot of people here seem to think it is.
And, I also need to add that I am not "out of control." I had a few bad days preceded by a lot of good ones. I made the choice for MYSELF to let H know that I knew about OW. I could have kept it to myself and waited............but I knew that if there would ever be a chance for a future with him, he would have to know I knew the truth. When I told him, he was silent. Nothing. I needed him to acknowledge she was in the picture. I couldn't let him continue to pretend like she didn't exist. I'm sure I went about it the wrong way, but I had to do it for ME.
I am also way more outspoken here when I write about my sitch than I am when I approach or write H-----with the exception of the emotional e-mail this week when I told him he could portray himself as a persecuted father being cheated out of time with his kids at the same time he was living another life, with another woman. This was harsh, I know it. I lost control. I'm done.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
