H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Excuse me while I scream and beat my head against the wall:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

BLOODY )&&^%^%$#^%$#^*&)(*&)(*&)*&!#!@#$^%#@$%&^ !!!

All right, that's a little better now.

H initiated a R talk tonight for the first time in a couple of months (I never initiate, although my DB coach suggested in my last session that it might be time, but I've been swamped with work ever since). I had some warning, so I was able to do a quick run-through of my notes from my sessions with my DB coach, say a little prayer, and take a couple of deep breaths. We had a nice calm little discussion that went in circles so much I got dizzy.

H said he wasn't going to ask me any questions, and then kept doing it and then catching himself. He talked once again about how unhappy he was and some about my failures in our relationship, and defended himself even when I wasn't saying anything (verbally or nonverbally). Major goalpost-moving and history revision occurred. Claimed to want to talk with me but didn't like anything I had to say, even though I bent myself into a pretzel trying to avoid blaming him. Told me he hasn't made much progress in the decision he's been struggling with for 9 months (whether to try to work things out with me or give up on our M), but at the moment he is firmly of the belief that it won't work out. Claims one of the reasons he is still here is his fear that if he leaves, I will kill myself, although that seems less likely now. Told him he is absolved of responsibility for my mental health (DB coach's suggestion). H's response was "What makes you think you can absolve me of that?" Said I seemed to be mostly pretty happy now, and the depression seemed not to be an issue any more as I am on meds that are working (which is true). I told him I now figured I would have to be on meds for the rest of my life, and he grunted, "Glad you finally figured that out."

H talked about how OW is not issue (GAG ME! PLEASE!!), because we were having similar conversations a year ago before she came on scene, and nothing changed then so he doesn't figure that taking her out of picture will change anything now; our communication is still going to be terrible. And even if it did, what kind of marriage can you have when it takes going to the absolute brink before you do things you should have been doing all along anyway? Claimed he ended up with OW because he was as lonely as he had ever been in his life, wasn't looking for someone, blah blah blah, said I hadn't been meeting his needs. H continues to be unable, despite my having asked him *repeatedly* before OW/bomb, and during R talks since, to explain to me *specifically* what he wants/wanted me to be doing differently to meet his needs. Okay, I know, cheeseless tunnel. But I'm not sure what else to do!

I did my best to DB, and I only slipped up a bit, mostly in talking a little about what was going on with me (which he said he wanted to know anyway, but it didn't make him happy, of course). The response I got to everything I said was in the "yes, but" category, except for questions, which were almost universally answered with "I don't know" or some other slippery statement. What does he want from me? What does he think he needs to make him happy? Are his sessions with his IC helping him work through things? Based on his answers to those questions, he doesn't know much.

I really wished I had gotten better in debate so that I would have some more effective way to deal with his illogic. For example, when H was complaining about me not contributing to paying off the household debt:
Me: Last fall, when we were having a similar conversation, I asked how much extra I would need to be putting toward the household in order for you to feel financially more comfortable. You said $1000/month. Well, I haven't actually added it up, but I'm pretty sure that the amount I'm covering for household expenses out of my own account--and have been since around the time of that discussion--is more than that.
H: [disdainfully] What are you spending on for the household that comes to that much? Groceries?
Me: All the groceries, all of the cats' expenses, all the toiletries and such, all of my medical expenses except dental, which are significant--I had $4000.00 worth of tests this spring, and I paid for everything insurance doesn't cover....[I didn't tell him that some of those tests were for STDs, since I can't trust him to have been telling me the truth that his first A was an EA only.]
H: And how much of that wasn't covered? $1000.00?
Me: No, less than that. [Refraining from pointing out that that was on top of all of the "regular" expenses I covered.}
H: Well, your spending on the household comes out of your account, which I have no access to.
Me: [Refraining from pointing out that he DOES have access if he wants it--he is on the account and even has a card for it.] Do you know why that is?
H: No.
Me: [Calmly] I'm not interested in working to fund your affair.
H: [Sneering slightly] Well, all of my pay goes into our joint account, and you're free to spend out of that whenever you want.
Me: And do I spend out of that account?
H: I don't know.
Me: [Refraining from pointing out that I haven't spent anything out of the joint account in nine months, except by prior specific instruction by H, unless I replaced it right away out of my personal account.] Well, I am contributing at least $1000 per month to the household. That's what you asked for.
H: Well, I make about $4000 per month, and most of it goes to household expenses.
Me: [Biting tongue to avoid pointing out the $500.00 or so that goes to fund H's adventures with OW, or saying "I didn't know it was a contest."] Well, that's a significant amount. (I know, weak, but that's the least negative thing I could come up with at the time.)

And on and on. I am just so @#$#$% SICK of his MLC BS!! I don't even like him any more. I certainly don't want to have sex with someone who has not only cheated on me and betrayed me, but could be exposing me to all kinds of nasty diseases. I feel like he is physically contaminated now. There's a reason we both stayed virgins until our wedding night.

Okay, I hear him getting ready for bed, so I'm going to do my 180 and go to bed too. I will have to continue this rant later. But I've been really ticked, and not at all sure I want him back, for several months now. How do you EVER get past this stuff??! And do these insane MLCers EVER wake up??

Insights, please!

Peace,
Dawn

[tpaschal]

Hello, all you fellow people who would rather not have to be here!

After about 7 months of lurking, I am finally biting the bullet and posting. I started writing up my situation, but got a little carried away--it was 6 pages in Word and I wasn't done yet! So I was trying to keep things short and sweet this time...and it became 10 pages! I am giving up and posting what I have before it gets any longer! Apparently my writing style is less "Reader's Digest" and more "Anna Karenina." So sorry--I know it's hard to read these long posts--feel free to skim if you like!

Dawn,

Hello! OMG, I think I've found my posting soul-sistah! I, too, am a novella length post writer!

Seriously, I wanted to thank you for looking in on my thread and giving advice and encouragement. (I did reply to your post on my own thread.) I've only skimmed a couple of your posts so far, and though our sitches are different in some ways (kids, mainly), there are a lot of similarities.

I'm off to read the rest now.

T

[Dawn of Hope]

TPaschal, as I said in your thread, thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! I think I may have you outdone in long posts though... I welcome all visitors and any comments on my sitch...

Well, H is gone for the week. In our little discussion last week, he mentioned that he was off work this week; did I know that? I said no, refraining from mentioning that since I wasn't snooping, how on earth would I know when he hadn't said anything to me? Said he was going out of town. I don't normally do this, but I asked where he was going (I didn't explain this, but I wanted to know if he was going to Florida or something really vacation-y w/OW). He said he was spending a few days with her and then a few days in a certain area of our state, enjoying some of the beauties of nature featured there. So, he's going on vacation without me, which is no surprise. We haven't been on vacation together in 2-1/2 years, and even then I don't think we would have gone anywhere if it hadn't been for his niece getting married in a resort area. No funds for vacation in a number of years (although he manages to find enough to spend hundreds of $$ every month on seeing OW, and then complains about the state of our finances; funny how that works).

So I had been wondering since Friday when he was leaving, as he didn't specify. I think he would have left Friday if it hadn't been for the fact that he went to an audition on Sunday (on which more to come). So this morning, Monday, he got up, mowed the lawn (which was getting pretty ragged), then rushed around to pack up and left, freaking out a bit because he had a little trouble finding his headset for his cell phone (MUST have the headset so he can talk to OW easily for hours while driving!). He finally found it in the pocket of the shorts he was wearing last night when he went out for a LOOOOONG walk (on phone with OW the whole time, I'm sure). I have not touched his phone or headset in months except to move it out of my way on occasion...much as I would like to smash the $@&()$@&( thing to tiny pieces and cram them down his throat. Told me he "probably" wouldn't be back until Friday (why be back then and not wait until Sunday night, a few hours before he needs to be at his desk, as is usual when he goes out of town??? I didn't bother asking). Did not touch me before walking out the door, just looked at me. Why does he usually give me a peck goodbye before he leaves for work in the mornings (the ONLY time he has touched me since maybe December, except for a bit of hand-holding in public on Easter), and sometimes when he's headed somewhere on weekends, as long as I'm still in bed, but usually won't come near me once I get up?? I mean, sometimes he won't kiss me when he's going to see OW before he sees me again, but it seems like whether I'm still in bed or not is at least as big a factor. Can anyone make sense of this??

So...he's gone for the week. Good riddance. I hope he gets in an accident that causes amnesia. I know that's mean, but I've been so angry with him for months, although I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping it under wraps, much as I'd like to tell him sometimes that I never want to see him again.

I have a number of potential plans for the week. I'm tentatively scheduled to see a movie and have dinner with a friend on Wednesday, and I'm going to contact another friend about another movie date, and other friends (who I've been turning to a lot with all this, and who have a couple of kids) about coming over to swim if I can get our pool in shape for it (started work on that last night--it's been green and cloudy since I had to go out of town in June, but I put in a lot of work on it yesterday and it's starting to improve already), and if I have time I'm going to do some way-overdue painting and repairs around the house. And I have some books I need to read (stuff on forgiveness and so forth, which I don't want to have out while he's around). My workload this week is lighter than it has been for the last few months, so I think I'll have some time...if I can avoid spending it all on this board!

Oh yes, I wanted to mention the audition thing...H has been quite heavily involved in acting in community theatre for the last 11 years. That's 3-5 shows a year, at 2 months of rehearsals each, so about 6-10 months per year he is rehearsing 3-6 days a week so is not very available when doing a show. The exceptions are for a year-long break in 2002, right after bomb #1, when I was first under treatment for suicidal depression and had found out about his EA; and then a two-year break that just ended with this audition yesterday. He was talking about doing a show early this year, but told me he decided against it because he felt it would be something to distract him from making this decision about our M, which he knew needed to be done. Well, he didn't get involved in that show, but he didn't make any decisions either. Still trapped in utter confusion and indecision, according to what he told me last week.

Anyway...H LOVES acting. He goes into withdrawal when he's not in a show. It's been pretty unbelievable to me that it's been two years since he did one, and I know he's missed it. At first, I really resented his involvement in theatre because of the time involved and how unavailable it made him, but after a few years I learned to just accept it. (Besides which, he told me at the time that he got tired of waiting for me to spend time with him, so he found another outlet for his time...his complaint had some validity, but I have never fully agreed with it.) So now he is getting back into it after this long hiatus. What's interesting about this is that it will take away some of the time that he would otherwise be spending with OW (in person or on the phone). Rehearsals are tentatively scheduled for Sundays and Monday and Friday evenings, which basically means that he will have to discontinue his habit of seeing OW on weekends (about every other week), as there is a five-hour drive to where she lives. I suppose she could come here and meet him at the hotel after rehearsal on Friday night, and then they could spend all of Saturday together and she could drive home after he leaves for rehearsal on Sunday about noon. And he has a fair amount of vacation time (maybe 10 days left this year?), but he's limited in how much he would be able to see her during the week, even if she's free. Well, I don't mean to obsess about this. It takes much longer to write it out than to think of it.

So it's time for me to get on with my day...any comments would be welcome!

Peace,
Dawn

[BeingMe]

Mmmm! Your H sure is cake eating! He sounds very confident that you will be there no matter what. Or, am I wrong? Have you tried the 'being mysterious' route? I guess giving him space is about as mysterious as you can get. Do you set boundaries, or are you content with keeping the status quo as is, and not shaking things up too much?

At this point, it seems your anger is keeping you sane ... better than being depressed, IMHO, and it does help one to keep detached. Eventually, you will have to deal with the anger, whether the M is saved or not.

It's going to be interesting to see how things develop once he is in rehearsals. You should've gotten some brownie points for putting up with that in the past! I believe in supporting our spouses in things that they are passionate about, but it should be reciprocal ... in your case, it sounds very one-sided.

Anyway, you are doing well ... I get the impression from your writing, that you have found a middle ground that you can live with, for now. You sound calm, and non-combative (despite your anger at him). It's also good that you are going to IC regularly, as it is for your H too.

So, other than maybe kicking out of your bed, or some other type of boundary-pushing activity, I'm not sure what else you can do, except to continue as you are now.

Take care.

[verycrazy]

(I hate to shop. I'm not even that fond of chocolate. Yes, I really do have the double-X chromosomes.)

Dawn, I have to say that of all that I read in your original post, this stood out the most because I too don't really like chocolate that much!!!!

Seriously, though, I can't believe how much alike our situations are.

My H is still at home, still sleeps in the same bed, still resents me and says it's all my fault, and still is seeing ow. We, too, will have long conversations where little or nothing is really resolved, because of that major point---ow contact.

He also whines about money, and buys ow flowers, and gold necklaces.

It's very doubtful that your H's ow was REALLY a virgin until they met, and then turned into a slut overnight.
I can't imagine it could possibly last, it seems so bizarre to me, built upon a fantasy game, that has actually been featured on CSI.

Also, I can be quite long-winded when I write, and I have wondered fleetingly about Lorena Bobbit's method of spouse management!!

Just make sure you are buckled in for this wild and crazy stinkin' ride.

L

[Dawn of Hope]

BeingMe,
Thanks for your insights! I see that you have been at this a while, and I really appreciate thoughts from long-timers in particular!

Cake-eating, check! I keep wondering if it's time to insist that he fish or cut bait, but my DB coach says "not yet," so I am waiting. H did ask me last week why I'm still here. I sorted through a number of possible responses and finally settled on a calm "I didn't have my fingers crossed at the altar." H successfully derailed me by saying, "You think *you've* kept your vows perfectly???" I didn't think fast enough to prevent the conversation from following his redirection, I'm sorry to say, but at least it didn't last very long.

Oh yes, I've been as mysterious as I can manage, creature of habit that I am. I go out sometimes and usually don't tell him where I'm going (that is a 180 for me--I have always had difficulty with social things, and was never too keen on doing things out by myself--very much an introverted homebody). I've been going to see/meet with friends, going to the occasional party, going to the movies, taking myself to lunch...and sometimes even just going to Wal-Mart I don't tell him where I'm going. Sometimes I even tell him I have "a date," if I'm actually meeting a friend! I changed my hair color, started wearing makeup regularly for the first time, started wearing my clothes a little tighter and less conservative, and now wear semi-skimpy lingerie to bed (as opposed to bare skin...since he started wearing clothes to bed after the bomb last fall, I followed suit).

I have not set a lot of boundaries. I suspect that if I had, he would be gone already.

I keep shoving my anger into a mental closet and locking it. I am pretty self-controlled anyway, but the hinges on this closet are starting to show some strain. My IC is a little worried about me for repressing my feelings so much. I guess I don't feel like it would do me any good to express them fully, so I stuff them instead and calmly talk about my anger in the abstract.

Yes, I will have to deal with the anger, sooner or later. I haven't figured out how, though. I've never been this angry for this long before--not with anyone. I don't have any practice with it. I used to be one of those people who would just nitpick and be snide rather than doing a direct attack (passive-aggressive). I'm not really like that any more, I don't think.

I'm working on the detachment. I'm not sure how to juggle that with the anger.

I like to think I should get those brownie points for dealing with his theatrical pursuits too...but I'm not sure I ever did. It was more reciprocal than it might appear, though...I started my own business 15 years ago, and he has supported me (financially and emotionally) through the ups and downs involved, even when it involved turning down a chance to follow his job to another state, and consequently taking a $15,000 pay cut in changing jobs so that I wouldn't lose the local network I had built that supported my business. He also was very patient when my business took a sharp turn into the red after 9/11 and my depression diagnosis (after which I found it immensely difficult to concentrate on business, and it went south in a major way)...and stayed in the tank for six years. So it really wasn't all one-sided, to be honest.

I am wondering about how this show will affect his R with OW. I just hope she gets as fed up with the new demands on his time as I did when he first started doing theatre...although obviously it's different because she doesn't even live locally, much less live with him. I also hope she doesn't come here to see him in it. I really don't want to lay eyes on her or talk to her, and I'm not crazy about him introducing her to all his friends in theatre. Not that he would tell the truth..."Hey, John, I'd like you to meet ___, my current sex partner and love interest in RL." "Um, what about Dawn, H?" "Oh, she cleans my house and buys my groceries. I'm not actually engaged in any intimacy with her. She's only my (censored) wife." Uh-huh.

Yes, with him particularly, I am calm and non-combative. A mutual friend, who talks to both of us separately and together, thinks that all of the wishes H had for changes in my behavior (most of which I've been doing for most of a year) are more of a "minimum standard" and to actually get anywhere with him, I will need to do "special" things for him. I'm a bit skeptical, both because I am worried about him seeing this as "pursuing," and because I used to do a lot of those things, and look where it got me. I mean, I try to be as nice to him as possible, but I no longer do very much in the way of, for example, baking things I know he will like, or going out of my way to take care of some chore that he would otherwise have to do, or offering massages if he's hurting, or anything like that. I struggle a bit with knowing where to draw the line in doing things for him. I mean, if he asks me to do something, I do it and am pleasant about it, but don't get overly excited one way or the other.

He says it makes him feel sick to his stomach when he thinks about getting back together with me. I don't place much emphasis on that, as *I* now feel sick to my stomach every time I see or think about any kind of hotel, because H and OW seem to spend most of their time together in one or another of them. Do you know how many hotels there are???! It's insane! I'm starting to get desensitized to it, but still.... So I'm not entirely sure what, if anything, I should do about this nausea problem of his....

Okay, apparently I got distracted while writing this, and now it's the next day and it's still sitting open on my computer!! I'm going to post this much now and come back with more later...

All commenters welcome!

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

(I hate to shop. I'm not even that fond of chocolate. Yes, I really do have the double-X chromosomes.)

Dawn, I have to say that of all that I read in your original post, this stood out the most because I too don't really like chocolate that much!!!!

Seriously, though, I can't believe how much alike our situations are.

My H is still at home, still sleeps in the same bed, still resents me and says it's all my fault, and still is seeing ow. We, too, will have long conversations where little or nothing is really resolved, because of that major point---ow contact.

He also whines about money, and buys ow flowers, and gold necklaces.

VC,
Thanks so much for stopping in and reading and posting on my thread! I really appreciate it!

Wow, we really do seem to have similar situations! I haven't come across your name before in my travels around this board (mainly here in MLC); do you have a current thread? I can hardly believe that your H is still in this position and hasn't moved either forward or backward or OUT of the house after two years or so!! It seems like most people on this board experience living separately, even those who eventually get back together, and it seems especially rare for the spouses to continue sharing a bed (without sharing anything else while occupying said item of furniture). The whole "gotta run away" MLC thing, I guess. Which makes me kinda wonder what it means when they're still living with us LBSs (AND sleeping in the same bed!) after a period of time measured in *years*! Does that mean there's more hope for us, or that our H's are cowards, or what?? I don't spend a lot of time on it, but I do wonder.

HOW have you managed to deal with living with your H, sleeping in the same bed, seeing him on a daily basis, knowing that *in his mind* OW is wonderful and you are nothing but pond scum and an obstacle to his happiness--for all this time?? What has helped you to hang in there and continue DBing and not give up, even with the torture of living with him and getting kicked emotionally every day? (Not trying to make too many assumptions about your life or sitch...mainly referring to my own.) I mean, for example, several posters have talked about always looking good when expecting to see spouse, but that's hard to do when you're actually living with them and they see you getting up with bed-head and no makeup and so on. When you love each other and things are going well between you, that sort of thing doesn't faze you, but if someone is unhappy and looking for flaws in you, they are easier to find if you're still living together.

My H did say last week, during our R talk but unprompted by me, "I'm not proud of everything I've done in our M," which may be the first time since this all began that he has admitted to the *least* bit of guilt or remorse, but this was immediately followed by, "but..." with more defensiveness and excuses and accusations of my failings. Sigh. Trying to let it all roll off my back.

It's very doubtful that your H's ow was REALLY a virgin until they met, and then turned into a slut overnight.
I can't imagine it could possibly last, it seems so bizarre to me, built upon a fantasy game, that has actually been featured on CSI.

Yeah, I've wondered about that supposed virginity thing myself, although in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter much. It does make me wonder what kind of woman would "save herself" for a man twice her age who is still married and living with his W! Seems totally INSANE to me, not to mention just plain wrong!! I did see some e-mails (when he accidentally left his e-mail open about two months ago, and I wasn't quite good enough to resist the temptation to snoop...although he did catch me) something that indicated to me that even if she wasn't a virgin, she has him convinced that she was. I don't even want to think about the fact that it's generally not THAT difficult to tell if a woman is a virgin or not on close examination. NO, I'm not going there. STOPPIT! Topic change....

Yes, it is difficult to believe that it will last, but I had read that these A's generally don't last more than about six months, and we're at a year now, and I'm waiting...and waiting...I don't know how much effect it has on timeframe when the R with OP is primarily through phone, tm and e-mail, etc., and they only meet in person every couple of weekends or so.

Also, I can be quite long-winded when I write, and I have wondered fleetingly about Lorena Bobbit's method of spouse management!!

Just make sure you are buckled in for this wild and crazy stinkin' ride.

L

Hey, *I* certainly don't mind long-winded, although I think it is off-putting to some people. The only problem I have there is that I'm spending WAY too much time on this board!

Good ol' Lorena...she's my hero! I looked her up on Wikipedia, and it was interesting. I don't think I would have had second thoughts and called 911 afterwards, the way she did. I'm not exactly the impulsive type (H used to joke about me: "Spontaneous? Dawn can do that...how's Thursday for that spontaneity, Dawn?), so if I did something like that, I don't think I would try to remedy it afterwards. And I would have taken the *certain body part* away and maybe fed it to crocodiles or had it bronzed to be SURE it could never be reattached. To my knowledge, they haven't yet developed prosthetic genitalia!

Well, it's 5 a.m. and once again I have whiled away the night reading these boards. I gotta stop doing this.

Thanks again for stopping by, and I welcome all comments!

Peace,
Dawn

[verycrazy]

Hi, Dawn, my thread is over in piecing, which is kinda what I thought we were doing.

I know at the beginning of this, he said he was staying until our S was out of school, in three more years now.
Then he decided to supposedly work on our M.
He broke down December before last, saying he broke it off with a "special" person. Maybe he tried that once, but I don't know how long it lasted.

He now tells me he loves me, is not going to leave me, not going to D me, and will be here with me for the rest of our lives.

So, I guess ow is going to be around, too??

As for us relating on a daily basis, I rely on my faith so much for my sanity. I want our S to know his mama tried everything to make it work with his daddy and me. The poor kid actually told me that a few times that he admires me for how I have handled things.

You are right, I do get kicked emotionally every day, and I try my best to get through it.

My H, like yours, doesn't seem to have any remorse or guilt, he has said this as recently as this weekend.

He DID say that maybe THIS was a wake up call. Butthead!!
And that maybe this was what it took for ME to realize how bad it was between us.

As for the length of time it takes for the A to end, who really knows? I know they say what the AVERAGE is, but that only means that some last for less time and some for more. It has been going on here for three yrs, but I have only known for two.

As for the infamous Mrs. Bobbit, after I "bobbed" it, I would have run it up a dang flag pole at city hall and let them discover it the next day.

Ahhh... it felt good to say all that!!!

L

[Dawn of Hope]

Just a quick (HA!) note--

VC, I will respond at greater length later, but for the moment, just wanted to say that your line regarding "bobbing it" made me laugh more than I had in a week, and I've been doing pretty well emotionally this week!

In other news...how's this for DBing? Here's the background: H left Monday, told me he would be back Friday. I got a bunch of work done and also did some fun stuff while he was gone, and felt good (a lot less stressed when he's gone!). Thursday a friend of mine came over and we made a super-decadent, very involved chocolate truffle cake (H LOVES chocolate, whereas I would never miss it if it disappeared from the face of the earth). The excuse my friend came up with for me to give H for why I would go to so much trouble for something I wouldn't eat myself (because I was nervous about being perceived as "pursuing"--bad DBing) was to tell him that she (friend) needed to do a test-run of something she was thinking about baking for someone special in her life (too long a story to go into here...but H would know *exactly* what I was talking about if I referred to it!).

So, Friday rolls around, and I have no idea when H plans to stroll in, but I have invited a few friends (all of whom know what's going on) over to swim and have dinner. We have a great time and are sitting around playing a game between dinner and dessert, and in walks H. None of these friends have seen H since I started talking to them (at great length) about the situation last fall, so it's a bit awkward, but they have all assured me they are okay with the possibility of having to see H (even though one of them has said he'd like to punch out my H for what he's doing to me!).

So everyone says hello and there is some brief chit-chat, and then we return our attention to our game and leave H to bring in his things. Keep in mind that this is normally a very "huggy" group, but this time nobody (including me) even gets out of their chairs to greet H, and he doesn't push the issue. So H brings in some of his stuff from the car, mentioning in passing that he was just coming from a bowling banquet (oho, that's why he was coming back Friday instead of waiting until Sunday night!), and then makes a call on his cell phone to--well, I don't know who, but someone he was expecting to see at the banquet, probably his brother. Goes into the backyard after a couple of minutes, still talking on his cell. Stays out there for maybe half an hour; we can't see or hear him, but he can see us, because it's dark outside but the shades are all open). We go on with our game, with only a couple of sentences about him exchanged when he's out of earshot, and we're having a blast. It occurred to me that I was laughing a lot and obviously having a good time, and in this case I wasn't modifying my behavior for his benefit--"fake it 'til you make it" finally shows results and stops being necessary!

Just as we finish the game and start setting up for dessert, H comes back in and I decide to reveal the magnificent creation my friend and I baked the night before (to which the universal reaction was, "Oh, my GOD!" Imagine four or five people all saying this in near-unison! Bunch of chocoholics, they are!)

The cake was a huge hit, although it was so rich that the normal-sized pieces that had been cut ended up being a challenge for people to finish--only two of the five people partaking were able to eat them all. Hey, this cake contained (among other things) *seven bars* of Ghirardelli chocolate, a pound of butter, 2-1/2 cups of powdered sugar, and most of a cup of whipping cream! Everyone (including H) gave it a big thumbs-up.

H actually sat at the table with the rest of us, and even though he's always been pretty sociable, even with people who are more my friends than his, this time he was mostly quiet. I paid no special attention to him, although I did wonder (briefly) every so often what he was thinking about the whole experience. Eventually all the guests packed up and headed out, H getting half a hug from one person instead of the full-blown hugs that I got from everyone, which he would normally have gotten too. One friend commented while we were chatting by her car (after H finally finished his puttering in the vicinity and went into the house, out of earshot) that H had really seemed kind of thrown by the whole experience...after all, the guests had all had time to get used to the idea that they might need to interact with him, but he had no idea they would be there until he saw the cars in the driveway (and probably didn't recognize the cars). I had tried to set up this gathering earlier in the week, when I knew he would still be gone, but it didn't work out schedule-wise so I had to take the chance of him being there for part of it.

H did not really talk to me after I went back in the house, and hasn't touched me since, but that's all pretty much normal these days--in fact, I really haven't seen any noteworthy changes in his behavior since he got back yesterday, although we haven't really spent that much time together. I'm just kinda going about my life and what I want to do without paying more attention to him than I really need to...although the sitch is always there in the back of my mind. And I reported to my friend who helped me bake the cake, and invited her and her H over to swim and help consume more of the cake tomorrow (H would probably die if he had to finish the whole thing alone, so I don't think he'll object--although he would die happy!).

So I'm making plans with these friends for a movie night, and some other fun stuff, and another friend has invited me (maybe H and me, not sure yet) to a BBQ, and I've got plenty to look forward to...

So what do you think of my DB efforts, long-winded though they may be?! I still think H has his head stuck someplace dark, but I'm trying to GAL and move forward with my life regardless of what he's doing. It hasn't stopped me thinking about it, but I'm doing better.

Peace,
Dawn

[Dawn of Hope]

Oh, yeah...for those who think my H is cake-eating (and I'm one of them)...he's now doing it literally, with that mind-blowing chocolate concoction I made for him. Although I served it to him on Corelle dinnerware, rather than a silver platter (those things are a pain to keep polished)!

Peace,
Dawn