Trixi trying to find moorage

[NikB]

No R talks, yay!!!

Good luck on the beads. That sounds frustrating, but I'm sure you'll get it.

you asked what 180s I've done lately. none, lately. shoot, if I keep doing 180s, I'll end up back where I started.

haha.. that cracked me up. I know what you mean.

You're totally making sense.

I think it's possible to do 180s in lots of different areas in life, and a great one right now might be in your interactions with your H. What you're doing isn't working to move you guys in a good direction - cheeseless tunnel - so try something new?

I'm thinking out loud..

What does he expect?
- You to be available anytime he wants to spend time with you.
- You want to spend time with him so bad that you don't care what the circumstances are (lame invite, you'll plan it if he doesn't just to make sure you do SOMETHING, etc.)
- You to start R talks or make hints. (good 180 finally NOT doing that for a night )
- You'll allow him to dictate all the terms of your R - if you see each other, how often, etc. Heck he even knows he can cheat on you, say "oh sorry did I forget to tell you we weren't exclusively dating anymore? But we are now so it's cool...lucky you."

in my case, I would have to actually break up with my H. And if I break up with him, I need to be ready for the possibility that it could fast track a divorce.

I don't think that this is necessarily true. I KNOW you're not ready to issue an "ultimatem" or break up with H. But, I don't think that's your only option at this point. Let's think about it - what COULD you do differently that might improve the R?

Some 180 ideas (hopefully some of the guys will chime in and give their 2 cents on what might be best):

- No R talks, or at least not constant R talks.
- Be LESS available. That doesn't mean go dark or dim, but be BUSY sometimes. Have plans that don't involve him a lot more often than you do. I know you like to spend a lot of time at home so this might be a bit tougher for you. If you have to, SCHEDULE time when you are dedicated to your glass work. If he wants to do something at that time, sorry, you're busy.

I'm not saying turn down every invite. Try turning down, say, 50% of his invites.. and do your best to accept the ones that don't come off as some sort of pitiful "I guess we can get together" ones either. For this weekend he invited you (well, offered to allow you...) 2 things. Friday night a movie, Sunday "hanging out." Accept one, you're busy on the other. I still think his invite was seriously LAME but in this case I'd have picked the movie because at least he had put SOME thought into what you two could do together.

This is going to sound silly at first but think about it. I think it was ForrestGump who suggested this to a newcomer: if you have to, buy yourself a body pillow and give it a name. Let's name it Julie. Make plans with said pillow... plan to rent a movie and have Chinese food delivered one night, whatever. You and Julie can hang out on the couch snuggling and enjoying your movie and Chinese food. Some of H's invites - "Sorry, I've got plans with Julie." Julie's your friend that H doesn't know, doesn't meet. (like the way he was with his roommate for so long).

- DO NOT figure out what the two of you will do next time he offers to "hang out." Make a goal of say, a month, or 2 months, where HE has to figure it out. Make him do the work. If you see something you want to do, don't invite HIM as your first reaction. Find someone else who might enjoy going with you.

What do you think? Maybe make a 1 month goal of turning down 50% of his half-a$$ed invites, and not making the plans yourself? Sound do-able? I think it just might get you a different reaction from him.