I'm afraid you're not going to get much sympathy from me on this one, because it looks to me like you're the one who picked up the rope and started the R talk, attempt-at-humor as it was, with this:
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So I was just messing with him, cuz I can and told him what a supportive boyfriend he was and laughed.
. . . and again with:
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I just don't know why but I said something to him about knowing what it was to have my heart broken
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I said no, but you will one day...at least I hope you do.
I understand you feel like you need to respond, but you shouldn't, and you CERTAINLY shouldn't start it.
Is he an addicted, self-absorbed, weak pathetic ASS right now?? Yep. Absolutely. But you don't need to engage him, and when you do, you're going to sometimes get spew back.