That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm working toward re-establishing my boundaries. It's a long term goal. It's a matter of unlearning everything that has been ingrained into you in your entire life. If you are interested, the book that is helping me through this is called simply "Boundaries".
You can't look at it as a horrible lesson, but a lesson none the less. Use this for your growth Ali. Rebuild your self-esteem. When you look in the mirror, what do you see that is great about you? What do you want to improve on? What goals do you have for yourself (short term - don't look too far ahead right now)?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Mishka, Jen, I dont see anything good.. I see someone tired and drawn and old and frowny and thin and unnattractive. I think I cant be good company or fun or interesting, else he wouldnt have left me. I dont feel remotely confident and cant imagine anyone ever finding me attractive ever again. If they did, I would be scared that they would end up hurting me. Usual rejection stuff.
He's driven me to distraction with his inability to discuss anything. 10 years of my life and he still says things like "its ok, really, dont, stop, dont apologise, I just feel ropey thats all".. thats all? How about telling me why you contacted me every day for 6 months including phoning me most days for 3 months? How about explaining why you can see every male friend under the sun and go to the pub and to music festivals and even stand there all day in the rain, but you cant see me even for an hour because you want to "chill" and "relax". He's totally avoided me for 2 weeks now, if it wasnt for that lease, I know he would stay away from me, possibly for months, and probably will once thats signed.
I cant believe how fast he dropped me. I know we never did get back together, or even have an R talk, but he was initiating all that contact and I spent that weekend with him (4 weeks ago now) so forgive me for not wanting to let go sooner, I thought he was sticking close for a reason.
I feel like such a mug! And he joked earlier that I was a muppet. How true.
Ali,(((())))) never ever feel stupid or apologise for loving someone, even when it ends in pain and heartache. Not everyone is blessed to be able to give and give even when nothing comes back. I gave my man the best part of 40 years of my life and 3 most beautiful children who grew up to be 3 wonderful caring adults. I feel invisible to him. Yet I know if I was even given the chance I would give my heart again to someone who showed me love. I also know I will never recover from what happened to me but I am willing to take another chance. You will too and you are so much younger than me and one day when you are healed you will find someone special. Don't give up on you. You are worth it.
Neaj, you never said how old you are, but were you 58ish when your H left? I'm sorry, 40 years. That must have been so hard, I cant imagine. This feels hard enough and its only a third of my life, not most of it.
I'm so astounded he could slip away and not allow any real conversation. I guess you didnt get that either. I wonder if I will get chance to see him before his birthday to give him his present (its tickets for our favourite comedian, playing 15 November).
Funnily enough, I read this earlier, really freaky, the numbers thing...15th Nov was his last night with me and he was gone on the 16th (2007) and Feb 9th 2008 was the first day he wanted to see me again and 15th Nov is when he would need to be back down here for the comedy show, if he accepts the gift. Wierd:
The rules for the duration of this lunar eclipse are that the life span is equal to one month for every hour of the eclipse, lasting up to 6 months. This Lunar eclipse at 24 Aquarius will last 3 hrs 9 min which suggests that you will know how this eclipse will unfold by the time the sun squares the eclipse degree Nov 15/16, 2008 although the energy is active a few days before and after these dates. Six months takes us to the next lunar eclipse Feb 9, 2009.
I have to let him go..let him move away, I need to look after myself better, eat more, exercise, get to bed earlier, see friends more (I am making some great new friends at work) and try get a new job.
I'm going to dye my hair this week and I have already made an appointment to get my ears repierced Tuesday! I'm not feeling too attractive, so I guess I need to make more effort in this area. Putting on weight is going to be the hardest as it drops off and stays off when I am churned up. I ate cakes and biscuits this week to help that, but ended up with spots! i suppose its time to take a hint, hey.
Have been lurking on these boards, keeping up to date with your sitch. I'm really really sorry about the latest development.
My situation was very similar to yours: H with depression, the split coming out of the blue and with no explanation, and then being 'messed about' by him after.
When I read your posts its like reading my thoughts. I will never understand why my H stopped loving me (my bomb was just 6 months into our M), and every day is still a struggle. I am depressed, and my doc has even put me on anti d's (how ironic eh!) But....I'm getting there. He left finally on 29th March, and nearly 5 months on its getting a bit easier. He's now not the first thing I think about in the mornings, nor the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I have learnt to accept that I will never get an answer or explanation of why he has done this, or why his feelings changed. Have also realised that he isnt the man that I knew and loved all those years. He has lost his sparkle in his eyes, the care free laugh he used to have is gone. He's like a shadow of his former self. Sadder and angrier.
Ali-you deserve sooooo much better. We both do. I gave 18 months into trying to make my H better and make our M work. It doesnt work if they don't want it to. And that really is the bottom line. I agree with you-my self esteem is at rock bottom and I think that there must be something wrong with me, thats why my H left. But the problem lies with them.
Really sorry for waffling, but I do know exactly what you're going through
Lea xxx
Me-26 H-27 T-10 years M-20 months First bomb-Feb 07 Second bomb-March 08
I'm sorry that you didn't get to meet up with him. You know one of the things that struck me by your conversation is something I used to do with my h all the time. I did this out of love and concern and the natural need to help him but he received as controlling and smothering him. You keep checking he is ok and openly worrying about him i.e asking what the doctor says about alcohol and his meds etc. My DBing coach pointed out to me that my h runs from me when I am like this, they feel pressured. Light concern is fine, or even compliments that he looks really well at the moment to boost him but I would really hold off on asking about his health. He is a big boy and will work it out himself and when he wants your help he will reach out. I understand exactly why you worry, the nature of his illness but there isn't anything you can do. You need to make him feel safe enough so that if he is feeling like he is getting to any kind of point that he knows he can call you without pressure, or call someone else if that is his choosing. Don't mother him, he doesn't need another mother he needs a friend and ultimately a gf. Also if he does open up to you, don't bring it up again unles he does. You implying that you are worried that he would do something is you basing your thoughts on things he has said (naturally) but he will be annoyed that you are drawing conclusions.
For me, when my h said he was ill the first few times when he left, I couldn't understand what wasn't appealing about just hanging out. After all that was what we did when we were together. It was hurtful and felt like rejection when he said he wanted to be on his own. I think it is because they don't want you to see them when they are vulnerable but most of all it is because we take up a lot of headspace. We see it as just a DVD, food and a chill out. They get see it more as guilt and other stuff which I haven't figured out yet. I suppose what I am trying to say is that they aren't comfortable in our company yet and we have to accept that. One of the goals is for them to feel comfortable enough in our company. Try not to take this weekend personally. He was just feeling shi*ty and couldn't cope - sometimes we get those feelings where we just want to crawl under the duvet, well I certainly do.
Personally I would just give him the space he has asked for, anything you do will be seen as pressure. Even a text asking how he is. Take this time to re-group and make yourself strong. What 180s can you do? I think it might be really helpful if you made a solution journal of a few interactions that have worked and see what you did right there because from what I have read you have had a few of those.
If you are done then you are done, but I wouldn't give up based on that interaction. He may be caving at the moment. Patience... (she says giving herself a huge dose of her own medicine )
Ahh, thanks girls, wow, conflicting posts though! Lea i'll be with you in a min...
My cat is freaking out...theres no animal noises and there is a partial eclipse (look out the window now!)
tonights convo was not like any others. I never ask R stuff, health stuff, doc stuff, depression stuff (unless he brings it up). I said, my DBing went out the window, I was talking to him like I;d talk to one of my friends, without that filter of what you should and shouldnt say, being caring. I didnt quiz him about hte docs, but I think thats a really interesting point Julia - he doesnt need a mother (he does actually cos shes crap, but no, shouldnt be me). When he said he had a stressy tummy, I acknowledged it back, but didnt ask him what he was stressed about. I'm amazed he told me that much. But you're right.
Also, yes I couldnt see why he couldnt 'relax' with me, but what you said makes sense, that it would take energy he hasnt got. Maybe I should book a DB sesh.
Just thought of something interesting...he never ever says things like, I just want to draw the curtains on the world and stay in...and this eclipse (blocking out the light) is hitting his Sun directly...when I had one of those (they are rare in a lifetime) was last September and I felt like my world wsa ending. So I wonder if in fact he does feel like sh*t and I am taking it too personally.
The most positive thing in my sitch of all is...its been a year and there is still noone else (touch wood), so I havent had to deal with any kind of EA or PA.
Hi Ali, no not quite that old. I shall be 60 next year! Gosh I actually said it. My H and I grew up tog we started infant school tog, played tog, and started dating prop. when I was 14ys old broke up a few times but just for weeks at a time. I was fiery back in those days, He left when I was 52. He was 60 last year and although I am doing ok that day was so hard for me. Today has been very hard as well I don't know why. Week ends are often hard and I am used to that. Funny about the dates. I have heard the most devasting news on Feb 23rd and Aug 23rd. In diferent years. It will get better for you. You will make it better. I know about the weight thing tho. I have managed to stay at 8.10 now for a few years. I was always 7.7 but dropped to 6.0 at one point. I hate being bigger but middle aged spread has set in. I am v vain and just hate getting old, but need to work on my middle! Off to bed. Tomorrow is another day I always say so nite.
Hey Haej...then you are having your second Saturn Return now if you are 59, which will feel like a hard time in your life and one thing that it does do (as Saturn is old Father Time)...makes you very aware of the ageing process. I am having Saturn on my Moon right now, so I feel like a hag!
Then you are very slim for your age though...I have been 7 3/4 since I was 18, but I twice went down to 6 10 from stress, not been quite that bad this time, probs around 7 2. I hate being thin! I wish I had a voluptuous figure and could wear v necks and stuff.
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