Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

Thanks for checking in Nik.
This weekend is 'eh'.
H did call yesterday and we went to a very nice dinner and to see Tropic Thunder.
Nothing signifigant happened. No R talks. (Finally! ha ha)

I could have (still could I guess) go up to a friend's family party, but I have a dog head bead/jewelry order that is coming due. So I got on the torch and I can't seem to make a decent dog head to save my life. I need to stop accepting special orders-sucks the fun right out of it. Anyway, I am taking a small break to see if I can get my mojo back.

...
you asked what 180s I've done lately. none, lately. shoot, if I keep doing 180s, I'll end up back where I started. Although, I AM anxiously awaiting our tax refund so I can start an exercise program with a personal trainer. That would be a 180 for me.

That thing you posted from Pheonixdeux thread was really good. Not that I am going to do anything about it right now, but it's good.

I think I just figured out my "problem". Reading the Pheonixdeux advice ("Detach a little more, be more dark (since you don't have a definite reason to keep in touch), and see if he starts to worry that you might be moving on without him") made me realize that in my case, I would have to actually break up with my H. And if I break up with him, I need to be ready for the possibility that it could fast track a divorce.
Intellectually, I know that if that happened, it was probably going to happen sooner or later, but emotionally, I am just not ready to go there.

So, yes, I am shackled/trapped right now because H and I are "exclusively dating" and I am not ready to call him out. I don't know how to "exclusively date" someone and also "move on" "go dim",etc. Now if H was saying "IDLYA", "we're getting a D", etc, then it would be 'easy' to do that.

am I making ANY sense?
lol