Onward but not so Upward right now

[mishka422]

Feeling down and strange today. I wasn't going to bother posting on my thread but thought I needed to get it out before it pulls me down any further.

S13 is staying with STBXH and OW tonight. I was in tears this morning trying to pack his stuff and get him moving to actually do some things before we had to leave for karate. It sucked.

STBXH picked him up at karate and I gave my son the car keys to go get his bag while I finished up in the studio. When I walked outside H came up to me while S13 was waiting in his car and he playfully pushed my arm so I pushed his back. He then said, "Thank you for being nice." WTF????? I just said to him, "There's no point in being ugly." He thanked me again and then hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but all I could manage was to tell him that I returned the papers to my L and as soon as she had them adjusted she would contact him to come in and look them over.

It was the only thing I could say to keep control of my emotions. I got in the car and started crying immediately after that.

I've decided that I must be meant to be a loner. I'm not a loner by nature but apparently my "friends" can't be bothered with me. Even the single friends I have made have no desire to go do anything with me. I've been trying for 3 days to find someone to go to a local bar with me tonight to listen to a live band and have a brew but no one will go. I can't go there by myself so I guess I'm going to end up sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself yet again and staring across the living room at my mother and her "you're so pathetic" face.

I truly do give up.....on everything. I make so much effort and it comes to nothing so why bother?