Partner left after 9 yrs - looks the end is nigh

[mishka422]

I'll give you the definition of a compliant avoidant:

Compliant Avoidants suffer from what is called "reversed boundaries". They have no boundaries where they need them, and they have boundaries where they shouldn't have them. Compliants say "yes" to the bad (things or people who are taking and taking and never giving back). The reasons for this are:
Fear of hurting the other person's feelings.
Fear of abandonment and separateness
A wish to be totally dependent on another
Fear of someone else's anger
Fear of punishment
Fear of being shamed
Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
Fear of being unspiritual
Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience.

That last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn't condemn them for. The fear of disobeying the harsh conscience (guilt feelings) translates into an inability to confront others - because it would cause more guilt!

Avoidants say "no to the Good. They don't accept help from others because they feel that their own problems probably pale in comparison to those around them. They bear everything themselves and build walls around their emotions and very souls instead of boundaries with gates in them that will breathe in the good and expel the bad.

Compliant avoidants have all of these traits.

Why do I understand this? I am a compliant avoidant. I can give a friend 4 hours of my time to listen to their problems and try to help them reflect on it but I can't ask for 10 minutes of their time to do the same for me. I can't share my true pain or feelings with anyone because I fear that opening that to them will cause them to think badly about me because their problems are SO much worse than mine.

Ali, honestly, if you want to call him and have it out with him, by all means do it. Just know that you will most likely be closing the door on him completely. If you can manage to let all of your pain go knowing that you will never have any answers from him as to why everything changed you might want to do that. That way you may at least, someday, be able to regain your true friendship after the emotional scars of your R are healed.