August - 2 months to go till a year of separation

[JCJ]

Thanks

(((everyone))))

[One Day]

((((Julia)))))

Good Luck tomorrow!!

L. xx

[W2G]

Have a wonderful day tomorrow Julia!

Hugs,
W2G

[JCJ]

So, today went ok. As well as would be expected really - no proclamations of love, or any interest in that department at all really. Although obviously I didn't expect it, it would have been nice and he had a guard up the whole time, the only things were the odd smile or nervous laugh.

So he came round at about quarter past 12. He had texted me earlier to say sorry he had overslept and I had replied no worries. When he arrived I greeted him with friendliness and enthusiasm as the cat had just done something brave which I told him about and he was duly impressed. He said he was exhausted from a busy week at work and told me about it. I validated, it sounded really frustrating! Then I said that I was just about to make a bacon sandwich would he like one? SO I started making the bacon and did it exactly as he liked with all the fat cut off (I used to moan about having to do that). While I did that we sat and chatted and actually he did most of the talking which was good. I listened and validated especially when he was talking about his job which did actually sound like his colleagues were being quite annoying. It was a nice easy chat. He also commented on how nice the house was looking and I also commented on how nice his top was, it made his eyes look amazing!

Then we got started and he asked should we do and I said how about we go round and make a list of stuff that needs doing (I didn't want to be obstructive). So we went round and there isn't much that needs to be done. There is a corner in the living room which I have always pondered about what to do with so I said that to him and asked him what he suggested. We tried a few pictures on the wall and then he suggested moving the plant and putting a picture in a different position. It looks really nice there now and he said 'I don't know why we didn't do that ages ago'.

Then he started on some of the carpentry stuff. A huge 180 for me here. He started sawing on the living room floor!! Before I would have been hovering around making a huge fuss and worrying about my floor getting scratched but I just left it and trusted and sure enough there is not a mark!

I felt a bit of spare part at this point so I asked what I should do and he set me to task sanding the wall. Then he said he needed to go out to the shop to get some bits and bobs. The way he said it made it clear he wanted to go alone and I so nearly jumped in with 'can I come' but I restrained myself (this took a lot of restraint!!) and he went out. When he was doing stuff I actually left him to it a lot and didn't follow him round like I used to do. He did a really good job and I said so.

A lot of the time he was working in the living room and I was painting in the kitchen but we still chatted. We also listened and sung a long to music and he must have relaxed a bit later as he was whistling along and singing (althugh he has always done that anywhere anytime he hears jazz so I don;t know how big a deal that was). I talked a bit too much and I realised that I was asking him lots of questions to initiate conversation. I apologised and made a joke about 20 questions but I still think I talked a bit too much. I'm not sure it was too bad a thing though; he didn't seem annoyed by me.

The only thing I may have f'd up a bit was I asked him to look at the computer for me to sort out the wireless and although I had gone through and deleted the history of this site I realised I had forgotten the navigation bar so had he clicked down and looked at my history he would have seen it. I stayed downstairs when he was on the computer so I don't know if he saw. He didn't seem any different when I came up to see how to get on via the laptop. I do feel a bit worried about that.

At the end I said the only thing I am worried about is the bank account, that is why I suggested the drink to go through it. He said he knew and that maybe we could do that this week. I said ok, let me know. He reiterated before he went that he would be in touch about next week so hopefully we can get that sorted. IT would be a huge weight off my mind.

We spent 6 hours together. I hope it was quite relaxed, or as relaxed as it can be. There is a bit of a white elephant in the room it feels like. No r talks, just general chit chat. We both agreed it would probably only take one more day and we'd be done.

I don't really know how I feel. He seems so distant yet not because he is still nice and polite. He didn't look at me an awful lot. There were a few little smiles. I think today maybe helped for him to feel more comfortable around me. I felt that I wittered on a bit. I can't see a lot of hope really. I don't know what is going on with him at the moment; he didn't seem particularly happy but then again not unhappy either. I don't know what to do with that. I really realistically don't see a lot of hope right now but all I can do is keep going as I am doing as it is working and keep hoping myself.

Thank you to anyone that has read this long and boring post!

[JCJ]

Oh, he did say the pic of the cat is up in his new office. Isid I was pleased. I'm glad he likes it. The cat was duly unfriendly to him...the one time I ask her to be nice and she can't even do that

[mishka422]

HA! Funny about the cat! She obviously has her opinion doesn't she?

I think you did remarkably. Good for you not following him around. I probably would have been practically on top of him.

I can sense the awkwardness that you must have felt all day. There will be that for quite a while I'm sure until he doesn't see you as a threat to his newfound independence (not that said independence is all that great for him!).

[SingleDad]

JCJ - I tried to read a lot of the history on your threads nad would like your thoughts on my thread.

It is posted on the Newcomers" forum as it seemed the most active. It is titled "How to start from scratch in 12 mos. separation?" Seems similar to your history. Should I move the tread to "We're Separated - What Now ?"

The D-bomb came Jan 24 - struggled through but moved to mediation and 12 mos separation started June 12... I'll let you read the rest at my thread.

Thanks, SingleDad - JCJ sorry to tread on your thread

[pisces9]

Julia! ok- i think this is great. NO R talk, no pursuing behavior, just basic friendly chat and you let him take the lead on most everything.

this is the first step. of course it is weird. you have to repeat this a few times before he will open up. this is how you draw your H back to you.

you were pleasant, light and yourself.

just realize that it is what he needs. no pressure and just to BE with you.

remember- guys can BE with us and not talk and to them thats bonding- to us we have like 50 things in our heads that we want to talk about.

please re-read you post and look at all the positives.

dont doubt yourself. you did a great job!

[JCJ]

Mishka, he even said a few weeks after he left that his new independence wasn't what he thought it would be.

Pisces, thank you for your words, you are right I need to look back at the positives.

H just sent me an email of his parents new puppy. I asked him if he would email me a picture yesterday when he told me that they were getting one. His old dog died just before he left me. I really didn't actually expect that he actually email me a picture. Nice to know I criss his mind sometimes and he remembered.

Strangely he sent it to both my email accounts. I have one in my maiden name and one in my married name, he said he wasn't sure which one I was using these days.

When we got married I didn't want to take his name for a long time and he really wanted me to, looking back now I think he took it as rejection. Which account do you reckon I should reply from?

Today my friends came over and we cleared the garden. It looks amazing, it was such a big job. They are wonderful friends to help me with it. Practically they are great and so supportive, they just don't understand about DBing.

[JenInVen]

Hey Julia

You did great! You should feel so proud of yourself. You did a lot of 180s and I'm sure he took notice. Remember a man will never tell you about those things but they notice!

I love cats and it makes perfect sense that yours didn't pay attention to your H. Cats can be so snobby!

How about replying a quick thank you tomorrow from the married account...just don't make any mention of...

he said he wasn't sure which one I was using these days.

It could be bait so don't touch it.

Keep going the way you're going and he'll soon take notice even more. Now, don't call him unless its 100% necessary ok? Give him time to digest yeaterday.