I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

I am having a hard day. Yesterday I took the kids to a park and that was pretty good distraction. Last night H said he needed some alone time, fine I understand that, so he went out and ended up going out with his sister until nearly midnight, I didn't expect it to be so late, I was getting worried and couldn't relax so I ended up calling at 11 to see what was the deal. I felt bad, but I was going crazy so ... oh well he seemed to understand.

Today he is quiet, I said I needed him to talk to me some, I said I was sad and scared and just needed a little slack, I couldn't help it I cried a bit, not a lot, but some, he came and gave me a hug, and held me for a tiny moment. It helped, he said he is trying, he just looks sad. But then that is what happens. He had a counseling session last night, he generally is pretty quiet after those.

I had a good cry on the phone to my Mom and was finally able to kick myself in the butt and when he came home from an early chore I was doing something constructive, a good thing I think.

He wants to take the kids to a movie this afternoon, he asked if I minded if he took them alone, and I said no, that was fine. I guess I have to just accept that he wants some time with them with less pressure from the whole relationship thing.

I really wish I knew what made him change, he seemed better a couple weeks ago, then the OW contact and now he is doubting things again so much. I really thing the "arguement" he had with her sent him reeling. We haven't talked much about it.

I am trying hard not to freak out and look sad and such.

Tomorrow we are going to take the kids to a water park, so that will be a good distraction.

I hope I am not making things worse, I have to let go, I have to stop reading something into every move and I have to not hoover waiting for something. I am going to try really hard to not ask questions about his motivation to take them someplace alone. Part of me is scared he is going to say something to them like Daddy isn't happy, but I logically doubt he would do that because last time we did it together and we know that we have to do those things together, and we parent really well together.

I have to remember when he was steadfast in his thinking that we were going to divorce and he was planning on moving out, I was okay, at least I got to that point, I got to a place where I felt like I could handle the situtation and was feeling better about myself. I have to remember that I got there and that I can go there again if I have to.