... H: I don't want to do anything I'm afraid, I'm going to go have something to eat, I'll give you call when I'm feeling better, Sunday or Monday (sounding like it would be Monday). I just want to relax and stuff. M (pause) - I'm sorry, I'm really sorry M: Why do you keep saying sorry? H: Because I've upset you, I can hear it in your voice, I know I'm upsetting you M: But I didn't say anything then! Am I upsetting you then? H: No! Not at all (sweet again) Categorically not M: Well its a shame as I was going to cook you dinner and we could have rented a film and just relaxed H: I'm sorry, I know its probably not what you want to hear, but I just want to be on my own a bit, just want to be by myself. M: What all weekend? H: Yeah, that's fine by me. I just really feel like, I don't know, like I want to close the doors, really just want to totally veg M; We've been really close and you talk to me and as long as you're ok and theres nothing you’re not telling me? H: I just feel grumpy and poorly and crappy and crabby M: Really? But from my point of view, the things you say about how you're feeling, especially when you’re drunk are quite upsetting and .. H: Oh, no, I'm ok I'm not gonna do anything mad, I just feel quiet though (obviously got what I was implying here)
And at that we said goodbye. He asked me earlier what I'd been up to and if I'd seen some people and I said yes, but I got a little frustrated and said, but its not about seeing others and he said I know, I'm just interested. I also told him I missed him and he just did more apologising at that point I think.
I didnt give up, I kept asking, but he just kept deflecting it. Me saying, I havent seen you for a while and him answering, yeah Ive been busy havent I...is not the reason is it, and he knows that I guess.
In answer to your questions, I guess I have to give up, get on with my own life now. So yes, annoying that I didnt get to see him face to face and point out, but you have been hanging out with me for the past 6 months, why have you stopped? He never lets me have a voice!!!! For a year...no arguments, no discussion, not before when we were together I'd say whats wrong?? And he just said, I'm tired.. and then when he was making his decision he said he didnt want to discuss it and after he left and I tried to talk to him, he said, I dont know what I can say, you'll probably never understand. And he never would verbalise WHY he kept phoning me every night and he wont now tell me why he has stopped. AVOIDANCE !!! I'm so mad. And upset of course. I'm annoyed at myself for not being more direct with him too.
Its his birthday next week, we do have to sign this lease (I could post it to him but I wouldnt trust him to return it, he hasnt checked the bank accounts like he said he would and he apologised for that too). I have a pressie to give him too and then, I guess I wont see him.
